How To Reconcile With Your Dad (And Why You Should Bother To)
Posted on May 17, 2012
Filed Under Life, Pillar Articles, Relationship Management, Uncategorized | 13 Comments
The more guys I talk to the more it really hits home how many dudes out there really have a hard time relating to their dads.
And by “relating” I mean either identifying with OR communicating with…and in a multitude of cases BOTH.
For so many, the old adage that “you’ll end up just like your parents some day” seems more of a threat than a promise.
That’s too bad.
In a world where over 50% off all guys report having NO male role model to speak of, fewer and fewer men can honestly say they look up to their father in that regard…obviously.
Honestly, a huge number of boys grow up without a father figure in their life at all. So obviously, if there IS no dad it’s impossible to “relate” to him.
But even when you know exactly who your father is and where to find him, the relationship can go awry.
Never mind the fact that the father’s role in child development has been marginalized nowadays, leaving many men convinced that their presence just doesn’t matter in their kids’ lives.
(Well, either that or it helps them justify their pure laziness and/or apathy towards their sons and daughters.)
Where the rubber often meets the road is that we as sons and daughters instinctively (as in “innately”) have high expectations for our dads.
We are born in need of a hero to look up to, but that isn’t always the reality.
Not every dad is Ward Cleaver.
Alcoholism is one of many destructive forces that drives a wedge between fathers and the rest of their families.
Other dads are in serious need of “anger management” classes.
A much larger number of fathers, however, aren’t exactly violence-prone psychopaths. They simply have a bad habit of letting their kids down…over and over again.
Broken promises. Bad examples. Double-talk. Consistent inconsistency. Awkward embarrassing moments. Even irritating habits.
When you pour all of those factors into a bottle and shake it all up, it’s easy to get a volatile mixture.
Young children develop resentment—possibly exacerbated by fear—early, and once habits are formed within the culture of a particular family it’s hard to break them.
Children turn into adolescents, and ultimately grow up to face adulthood and yes—parenthood—in their own right.
But the wounds never get healed. The resentment continues.
At worst, some people go for months or even years without so much as even speaking to their fathers.
Yet for most, the disconnect between father and adult offspring is deceptively subtle.
As it turns out, it’s easy to go those same months or years (or decades) simply being “cordial” with one’s father, being careful never to talk about anything deep lest “old wounds” be opened.
It’s as if there’s a long-term tentative “cease fire” in effect.
So then, what of “making peace” with one’s father instead?
Your first question might be—and legitimately so, “Why should I even bother?”
The answer to that is simple. This matters because you have the chance to be a HEALER in your family, and therefore establish yourself as a LEADER.
Implicit there, of course, is that as one of your Dad’s now fully-grown “children”, you don’t have to remain passive. You CAN take the bull by the proverbial horns and make the difference.
The dating coach in me wants to remind you, gentlemen, about how attractive courage and leadership are to women. I trust I don’t have to explain the significance to a woman of having a solid, healthy relationship with your father.
And ladies, I also assume that it’s unnecessary to explain to you how your relationship with your dad affects the quality of your relationships with boyfriends and potential husbands.
But overarching ALL of that is the simple truth that restoring peace to your family will restore peace to your soul.
You will feel as if a massive burden has been lifted from your shoulders. You may even feel as if you’re suddenly, as if by magic, somehow better equipped to face parenthood yourself—free of the nagging fear of “screwing up”.
So then, how do you make the reconciliation happen?
The first step, naturally, is to realize and admit that you are NOT helpless. If you are reading this, both you and your father are adults. As such, it’s perfectly reasonable for you to have an ADULT conversation with him—if for the very first time in your entire life.
The next step is to recognize that your father may or may not even understand there to be a NEED for “making peace” with him. It’s altogether possible that he may have been going along his merry way all this time somewhat, if not completely oblivious to your true thoughts and feelings toward him.
That’s a sobering idea, I realize…but one you must consider.
Next, it’s helpful to gain a grasp of what so often goes through the heads of men who tend to have problems relating to their children in a healthy manner.
Let me guess…your dad has never once admitted he was wrong about ANYTHING, let alone ever apologizing for what you perceive to be clear shortfalls.
And I can imagine that you may possibly have never heard him tell you that he loves you.
Did I hit the nail on the head?
Here’s the deal. Men who don’t apologize, admit they’re wrong or say “I love you” are the way they are because they perceive it as weakness to admit such stuff.
Somewhere along the way, they’ve confused the definition of “strong manhood” with “machismo”. This is, of course, an epidemic worldwide—yet in some cultures it’s almost a de facto standard.
So then, as much as it may take your breath away to imagine it, your father may very well have thought he was demonstrating a solid, valid example of manhood for you all these years—even though the actual effect was disastrous.
The crazy part is that it may very well have occurred to your Dad somewhere along the way that he should change his ways, yet he didn’t.
That’s because what’s commonly known as “vulnerability” invokes feelings that most guys probably don’t understand fully, so they bury it. It’s a “comfort zone” thing.
Such guys are VERY good at deflecting the uncomfortable stuff back to what they understand and relate to best—be that a sense of humor on one end of the spectrum, to sullen grunts accompanied by shoulder shrugs and far-away glances, to derisive insults and chiding laughter at the other end of the spectrum.
But the fact remains. Regardless of where your Dad’s head is on all of this, you’ve GOT to see it as YOUR responsibility to initiate the reconciliation.
You’ve probably figured out that if your Mom could help, or was willing to, that would have happened ages ago.
So how do you break through?
Know this up front…you may not be able to. After all, there’s another autonomous human being involved here.
But if you do it will be because you looked him in the eye and boldly, courageously faced the fear of his potential response and…went first.
Tell him you love him. Admit you made mistakes of your own—including letting this conversation wait too long—and apologize.
Say what’s on your mind confidently, without wavering. This is especially important to you guys who are reading this, because you’re seeking to represent the strong, masculine side of showing love, owning up to mistakes and seeking to make them right.
Doing your part will lift a burden off of yourself for sure, and it may compel him naturally to match you.
After all, as your Dad he instinctively feels as if HE should be the one demonstrating leadership to his son.
So when he finds you so obviously leading, the same pride that previously silenced his love, his humility and perhaps even his ability to BE loved is suddenly turned around.
In a flash, it becomes apparent that loss of fatherly dignity could come at the hands of his continued stone-cold silence.
So he meets you half way…and the breakthrough occurs.
Having explained all of this, I sense that it’ll all sound rather simplistic to some.
Rest assured that the process itself really isn’t complicated at all. But man, it’s actually cutting through the pride, fear and “comfort” of resentment that tends to be so very hard.
But once the ice is broken, taking that leap of faith into the “vulnerability” zone may very well reap rich rewards.
And regardless of what ultimately happens, you can at least rest a bit easier knowing you stepped up and did your part.
For what it’s worth, don’t be completely shocked if there’s a “delayed reaction” from your father that’s more favorable than his initial one.
Remember, old habits die hard and it may take minutes, hours or even days for him to recognize the importance of the conversation you sought to have with him, or indeed the power in it.
So what do YOU think? I was sort of shocked by how little info there is on the Web on this subject, so I’d love to hear your thoughts and your stories. I’m sure MANY of you have some solid input to add to this conversation.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
P.S. What would you think of me putting a program together on how to be a great father to your sons and daughters? The few people close to me who I’ve mentioned that to have responded cynically, as if most men wouldn’t give a rat’s hindparts. Yet, a part of me really believes that there are a ton of guys who’d really love to have a resource like that. Let me know what you think.
Thank You For Your Contribution To Limiting Global Population Growth
Posted on January 3, 2012
Filed Under Dating Coaching, Hilarious, Men Attracting Women, Women Attracting Men | 2 Comments

[Ed. Note: Fair warning, what you are about to read is a mostly
satirical piece. You’re going to need to activate your sense of
humor before proceeding.]
Hey you know, with the global population now estimated to be at
about six-and-a-half billion (and growing), it’s become critical
that we as a human race do SOMETHING to keep the population from
exploding at an even greater rate than it has been lately.
What with people living something like twice as long on average as
they did roughly a century ago, the need for this is even more
apparent…as anyone can plainly see.
The formula I propose goes something like this:
It’s A Girl!
Posted on December 22, 2011
Filed Under Announcements, Being Cool, Cool Stuff | 5 Comments
Sarah Victoria Annabelle McKay arrived on Monday, 12/19 at 9:50 pm CST. Both Emily and the baby are doing fine.
Here’s a pic of her when she’s literally less than 5 minutes old.

Here’s another when she was a few hours old.

…And another taken just this afternoon.

The No-Nonsense, Non-”Metro” Guide To “Manscaping” Your Nether Regions
Posted on December 2, 2011
Filed Under Men Attracting Women, Newsletter Follow-Up | 1 Comment
The term “manscaping” tends to inspire a bit of “metrophobia” in most normal guys.
But hey…all we’re really talking about for the purposes of this blog post is what’s going to be MORE attractive to feminine women, not less so.
So there’s really no good reason to “fear the ‘scape”. Every man should give some normal, rational thought to it.
This all means that at the VERY LEAST you want to keep your “nether regions” trimmed. If it’s a jungle” down there, it discourages women from performing oral sex.
The big question though, of course, always comes down to whether or not to go for it and just shave yourself clean down there.
This isn’t for everyone, but if the idea intrigues you here’s what you’ll need to think about.
The Chick Whisperer #48 — Dating Again…For The Very First Time
Posted on October 7, 2011
Filed Under Podcasting/New Media | 1 Comment
Here we go again…it’s time for another episode of The world-famous Chick Whisperer podcast.
This one is called “Dating Again…For The Very First Time”, and my guest is none other than Bobby Rio from TSBmag.com. He’s a completely authentic, down-to-earth guy who I’ve hung out with in person and really like. That pretty much makes him the perfect cat for this particular show.
This show is specifically for you guys who are either young and just getting started out, coming off a long-term relationship and jumping back into the dating world or simply flat-out late to the party.
I wouldn’t exactly call it “The ‘Newbie’ Episode” because I firmly believe that NONE of us are exactly NON-experts at appreciating women…which is 90% of the whole idea when it comes to succeeding with them.
But I WOULD say this show will give you an EXCELLENT head-start on the fundamentals to actually getting started and–more importantly–getting BETTER with women.
Plus, Bobby and I answer a terrific voicemail from Austin in San Antonio (try to wrap your head around THAT idea, fellow Texans out there) on how to meet and attract high quality women at college. More great stuff for you younger guys out there, for sure.
As always, The Chick Whisperer podcast has “iPod friendly” titles and newer and “friskier” album art, so finding it amidst the thousands of other files on your 64GB MP3 player is just about as uncomplicated as listening to it.
The iTunes page for The Chick Whisperer podcast is linked to above and from the graphic at the top of the post. If you’d be willing to leave a review on iTunes I’d greatly appreciate it. Send an e-mail to me at scot@deservewhatyouwant.com when you will, and I’ll send you the 9 “retired” episodes of the show for free.
And if you’re the type of guy who just isn’t so into iTunes, then no worries. There’s always that old standby, the RSS feed. You can click on the link below to subscribe over there:
Be Good,
Scot
About FHM’s New List Of The “100 Sexiest Women In The World”
Posted on May 11, 2011
Filed Under Cool Stuff, Men Attracting Women, Women Attracting Men | 3 Comments
Several days ago FHM released their annual list of the women their editors consider to be the 100 sexiest on Earth.
The key words in that last sentence were “their editors consider”.
As is typically the case when FHM, Maxim and/or AskMen publish lists like this, the comments pour in by the bucketload…mostly from guys who are shocked and appalled by some of the choices. Invariably, they also have a few ideas of their own on who should have been included.
As for me? I pretty much take it for what it is–an opinion piece–and move on. I mean, this latest FHM list was released five days ago and I just now figured that out…accidentally.
But I do think there is one MAJOR takeaway available from lists like this: The truth is that even if some magazine considers a certain woman to be among the 100 hottest on Earth, there’s someone else out there who thinks she doesn’t deserve to be on the list.
In fact, I’ll take it on step further for you. Invariably, whenever lists like these come along I can rifle through the “winners” or “inductees” or whatever you want to call them and find at least half of them utterly unattractive.
The way I like to describe this phenomenon is as follows. “If [insert name of anorexic, surgically-enhanced, horse-faced model whose face looks like a boy’s with too much makeup on here] showed up at my door buck naked with six-pack of Spaten Optimator I don’t even think I’d get aroused…at all.”
Now don’t get me wrong. The other 50% of the women on the list are probably well-deserving in my opinion…except don’t get me started on AskMen’s choice to term their respective list the “Most Desirable” when so many they “enshrine” are known viragos with recurring addiction problems. If you’re going to use the word “Desirable”, there has to be a talent contest and a thought question round to go with the swimsuit competition. It can’t just be a beauty contest.
In any case, it’s worth serious consideration that OVER HALF of the “Sexiest Women In The World” aren’t all that sexy…not to me or to a dogpile of other guys, for that matter. And believe me, I’ve run this experiment with dozens of other dudes who end up laughing to themselves in agreement with me.
To be clear, that percentage of women who are NOT perceived to be all that sexy by a certain guy may vary, as will the exact women on his list.
Actually, though, that’s the beauty of it (if you’ll pardon the pun).
Here’s the bottom line. No matter WHO a woman is, and no matter HOW MANY guys think she’s attractive–or even extremely so–there’s ANOTHER cadre of dudes out there saying, “Meh…”.
Even if she’s on the freaking “Top 100″ list.
So here’s where I throw you a curve.
Let’s turn our attention from FHM’s list of women to YOU now.
If the “100 Sexiest Women On Earth” are subject to debate, then there’s NO WAY, NO HOW that ANY of us can expect to be attractive to 100% of every member of the opposite gender we strike up a conversation with.
But based on how much of a whammy the whole idea of “rejection” lays on so many of us, you’d think virtually none of us had figured that out yet.
In fact, I dare say most of us HAVEN’T.
But here’s the truth of the matter. No matter WHO you are, if you let the opinion of ONE PERSON shape how you feel about your own ability to attract MOTOS (members of the opposite sex) in general, then you’re barking up the wrong tree…completely.
In fact, I don’t even care if you’ve been “rejected” hard–complete with direct insults–by several women, gentlemen. Those few DO NOT speak for the many.
If you do the best with what you have and use “the four-letter word women wish men would use more often” (i.e. soap) then you CAN attract women. Not ALL of them…but MANY of them.
And ladies? Don’t think for a minute that skinny “supermodels” with no hindparts whatsoever are universally attractive to all men. They’re not.
In fact, I’ll be completely honest with you. Maybe I’ve been hiding under a rock (in fact, I’m sure I have…I don’t watch much TV or whatever) but I’ve never even heard of the chick that FHM voted #1 on their list. And guess what? I’m not the only guy who isn’t even attracted to her, according to the comments. But someone obviously disagreed…a lot.
All of that said, however, I don’t care who you are. If Lady Gaga and Miley Cyrus belong among the “100 Sexiest Women In The World” then you’d better pack your things…the world is about to end.
But ironically, I don’t think they OR any of the other women who I don’t think belong on the list REALLY CARE what I think. They’re not going to feel “rejected” because some dating coach in Texas isn’t so impressed.
After all, they didn’t get on that list for no reason at all. SOMEONE voted them on. The fact that it wasn’t me is really irrelevant. I think just about all the women on the list are doing just fine when it comes to finding some other guy to go out with.
Be Good,
Scot
P.S. Waiting on my graphic artist to finalize some BRAND NEW album art for both of our main podcasts. Then I’ll roll out new shows for y’all…
Women Really Are BORED…And They’re Waiting For YOU To Approach Them.
Posted on May 8, 2011
Filed Under Dating Coaching, Letters From Readers, Men Attracting Women, Pickup, Seduction | Leave a Comment
If you subscribe to my newsletter, which you should–especially if you’re a guy, then you probably caught my bit a week or so ago about how women are generally a lot more BORED on a regular basis than we think. Even the most attractive ones.
When you get right down to it, if and when you get over yourself and say hello to a woman you find attractive you’re very likely to find that she’s THRILLED you showed up. No kidding. She probably hasn’t had anything that exciting happen ALL DAY.
Still, a number of you chose to e-mail me with your doubts. In fact, enough of you still believe that every remotely attractive woman out there must be living like a “rock star” that I felt compelled to post a few of the responses to that newsletter that I got from various WOMEN who read it.
So that’s exactly what I’m about to do. Read ‘em and weep…or be massively and powerfully encouraged. Your choice.
“Bored? So very true. I’m totally sick of men looking and not touching. What I mean is men who look like they want to say something but don’t do anything about it. Lots of times! I mean there are some duds mixed in but there are some men I see that are right up my alley. I am DYING for some excitement or some sort of diversion from my day. But to no avail.”
“OMG Scot!!! You are soo right, us girls are soo BORED! We just want a man to pay us some attention in an interesting way but the majority of men these days need a bomb underneath them to make a move. Whats wrong with men today? They dont know how to be men anymore or know how to treat a woman.”
“I read your previous posting about ‘bored’ women and I thought you got that exactly right as I saw myself in the hamster wheel you described: work, come home, eat, go to bed, repeat. UGH! It’s a good reminder to me to get out do some things I enjoy. With that said, I’m looking forward to meeting a real man with, what I think you call, the Big 4. Thanks and keep up the great work!”
I left their names off on purpose for anonymity reasons, but to be honest it doesn’t matter anyway. I have no idea who any of these women are or to what degree they’re “considered attractive by their friends”. Nonetheless, you can easily infer that all three of them have been disappointed by men who Failed To Deploy.
One guy wrote me claiming that it wasn’t up to us to deliver women from boredom. According to him, women should find something exciting to do on their own before they should even be considered “interesting”.
I get his point, but in the real world women still LOVE a man who leads. Meanwhile, life happens…and it tends to consume not only our long-term dreams but our short-term capacity to have fun. This problem is PANDEMIC…so much so that it even affects beautiful women.
The practical truth remains the same, and it is what it is: Women ARE bored, and if you represent a solution to that it starts looking VERY masculine–and therefore VERY attractive–VERY quickly.
Be Good,
Scot
P.S. A new episode of The X & Y On The Fly Dating Podcast is coming…along with some brand-new “album art”.
The Chick Whisperer #42 — How To Make Women Laugh, And What To Do When They Cry
Posted on February 26, 2011
Filed Under Dating Coaching, Men Attracting Women, Podcasting/New Media, Seduction | Leave a Comment
Man, if there’s anything that tends to completely vex guys all over the world, it’s got to be the whole concept of making women laugh.
Deep down, we know women find men with a sense of humor irresistible.
But wait a minute. Do we really have to actually make women bust their gut laughing all the time in order to come off as having a “sense of humor”?
That’s not only a really good question, it’s the question that my co-host Elaine Davis and I break down the answer to on this latest episode of The Chick Whisperer podcast.
If you don’t know Elaine, she happens to be the only dating coach I know of who’s also a professional stand-up comedian (as in, with paid gigs at places like The Laugh Factory in LA, and all that). Having heard so many stand up comics moan about their dating lives in their acts over the years–and suspecting it was all rooted in fact somewhere–I’ve been utterly fascinated by the apparent disconnect here.
I mean, which is it? Do funny guys attract women, or not?
As it turns out, you can’t be just “funny”. And that’s where you think it would get complicated. But no worries…after you dig in to this episode I think the true dynamic of what really turns a woman on relative to the whole “humor” thing will be crystal clear. And guess what? You’re probably already much, much farther along the road to getting this right than you think.
Plus, as a weird ironic twist to things, Elaine and I also handle a voice mail from a listener on what to do when women play the infamous “crying card” during disagreements. You just gotta love the fact that I reserved that one for when I had a lady co-host, huh?
As always, The Chick Whisperer podcast has “iPod friendly” titles and album art, so finding it amidst the thousands of other files on your 64GB MP3 player is just about as uncomplicated as listening to it.
The iTunes page for The Chick Whisperer podcast is linked to above and from the graphic at the top of the post. If you’d be so kind as to leave us a review, we’d be much obliged–and we’ll send you the 9 “retired” episodes, too. Your input really does influence iTunes rankings.
And if you’re the type of guy who just isn’t so into iTunes, then no worries. There’s always that old standby, the RSS feed. You can click on the link below to subscribe over there:
Be Good,
Scot
P.S. I already have the next episode in the works. Trying to cut the wait between episodes a bit for y’all.
X & Y On The Fly #45 — Open Relationships
Posted on February 16, 2011
Filed Under Announcements, Podcasting/New Media, Relationship Management, Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
It’s true that I don’t blog much anymore at all, let alone every time a new podcast episode hits the street.
But this particular newly-released episode of X & Y On The Fly probably is going to raise some eyebrows, so I figured I’d give you a bit of an idea of what to expect.
You see, here’s the deal. Emily and I are–and always will be for the foreseeable future–completely monogamous. And we like it that way.
As such, it’s it might not surprise you that the whole idea of “open relationships” is one of the very few major headings in the world of dating and relationships that had been conspicuous by its absence from our discussions thus far.
But still, it’s sort of like an “elephant in the room”, isn’t it?
Well, rest assured that Emily and I have been kicking around the idea of doing an X & Y On The Fly show on the subject for quite sometime. And now, for your listening pleasure, we’ve actually gone and recorded one.
To subscribe and listen, you need look no further than iTunes:
Or if you prefer, you can go straight to the RSS feed:
I have to tell you, this may be the very first (and last) time you hear a monogamous couple broach this subject publicly, which is actually a shame. Sort of like how I believe one’s core world view shouldn’t be decided by “accident of birth” but rather by personal choice, how one structures one’s romantic relationships should be decided much in the same way.
Let’s face it. It’s a fear-based reaction to try to prohibit someone who you’d like to believe the way you do from reading literature that conflicts with it, yet that’s what parents and shortsighted faith-based institutions do all the time.
Bummer. Because if you want to be a stronger follower of [insert world view of choice here] instead of a “yes man”, then you should know why you don’t believe in something else.
Here in the US, at least, the core concept of getting married to one other person has pretty much been the de facto standard for, well, ever. We get that this “cultural meme” is pretty much forced on us.
So rest assured you can bet that Emily and I also completely get it if you’re not so interested in “your father’s Oldsmobile”. We understand if you think socialized monogamy is only for the faint of heart and is probably largely responsible for all the cheating and divorce that goes on in these parts.
But here’s the thing. We’ve indeed read and heard all about open relationships…including The Lifestyle, “circles”, even the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy of the rich and famous.
And we’ve still made the choice to be a couple, as in two people together. It’s an informed choice. We’re neither “trapped” nor in “possession” of one another, it’s just that we love each other wildly and wholeheartedly believe in the “one man/one woman” arrangement.
So YES…as you listen to this podcast, you can plan on hearing some very honest musings with regard to all kinds of open relationships. We’ll talk about the pros and cons, and we’ll do so without judgment.
But we’re not pretending to be “experts” on the subject, nor do we have time to cover every single nuance of every single angle. So be sure to cut us a break here. Perhaps more than any other show we’ve ever done, this one is more of a pure social discussion than a “teaching tool”.
In other words, that’s all long for “sit back, relax and enjoy.”
Be Good,
Scot
P.S. By the way, if you get the show on iTunes and you really like it, please be sure to leave us a review. And tell a friend or three. Much obliged.
The Man’s Approach Is Now Available
Posted on September 11, 2010
Filed Under Announcements, Cool Stuff, Men Attracting Women, Pillar Articles, Product Reviews | Leave a Comment
Ask any guy what his #1 challenge is when it comes to women and he’ll tell you: It’s gathering up the courage to actually approach them and start conversations with them.
Indeed, the issue is nothing short of pandemic worldwide, attested to by the ever-increasing number of “pickup artist” training courses available out there.
But wait a minute. What if a particular guy isn’t exactly so interested in becoming a “pickup artist”? What if he’s a pretty “normal” guy who’d simply like to have a great girlfriend, and perhaps even a terrific wife someday?
The truth is if you’re that guy, you’re still going to have to actually meet the woman of your dreams before you can build a relationship with her, right?
Given the obvious truth of that statement, it’s altogether remarkable that there has never been a comprehensive plan on how to meet high quality women in particular, start conversations with them and make plans to see them again.
Until now, that is…
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