5 Weird Things That Happen To Men After Sex

Filed Under Hilarious, Men's Issues, Sexuality


 
Shocked By SexKnowing you’ve grown accustomed to mostly serious dating and relationship advice around here, I’ve been thinking it’s time to take a break and look at the lighter side.

And what better way to take ourselves less seriously than to turn our attention to sex? More specifically, let’s talk about the strange, crazy things that happen to us as guys after “doing the deed”.

I’ve rattled off five such weird phenomena below, right off the top of my head. In doing so, I quickly realized that I’ve never heard any of these talked about publicly…ever. Yet, I’m 100% sure I can’t possibly be alone in experiencing them.

So here we go… Gentlemen, can you relate to any or all of these, or am I some special sort of “basket case”?

And ladies…did you ever in your wildest dreams realize any of this was going on?

 
Women Want Your Hands All Over Them

 

 
1) No Matter How Much You Shake And Dance, The Last Few Drops Go Down Your Pants

The above saying has long been applied to that uniquely male frustration that occurs after using a urinal. You may even have been tempted to name your unit “Louis Leaky”.

But hold on a second. The same exact thing happens after you ejaculate, doesn’t it? Only then it’s particularly frustrating because there’s a delayed reaction

I mean, you can perform the most immaculate “clean up operation” humanly possible. Go nuts (pun intended). But no thanks to how semen changes to a runnier consistency over a brief but uncertain period of time, there ALWAYS seems to be “run off”.

For sure, it’s going to find its way onto your pants if you’ve already gotten dressed. Bummer.

 
2) Two Streams

Okay, let’s say you have an impromptu session of bleary-eyed morning sex, followed by a half-assed (again, pun intended) wipe down, invariably culminating in dozing off for another hour or so.

You summarily wake up, realize you have to pee, shuffle off to the John and let ‘er rip.

But panic ensues when you realize that the “run off” as explained above in #1 has now dried and partially sealed off the end of your pipeline.

Whoops…your aim is true as ever, but your urine unexpectedly splits off into two separate directions. Invariably, neither direction is anywhere near the toilet bowl.

This, among other similar reasons, is why we don’t have carpeted bathrooms. Let’s just say that your “half-assed” cleanup operation from before has resulted in a much more complicated one later.

 
3) Muscle Strain

Okay, have you ever had that kind of good, hard, raucous lovemaking session that any man could be proud of, only to find out that “round two” becomes payback time?

It’s really bizarre. You can attempt the comeback ten minutes later or like six hours later, and it’s equally likely that your unit is going to feel like it has run a marathon.

We’re talking serious muscle fatigue or even full-on muscle aches down there.

If you think about it, this makes perfect physiological sense. After all, it is your “love muscle”.

But regardless, at that point you have two choices. You can literally massage your meat* back into game shape, or you can wait…whichever course of action motivates you more.

Maybe this is why the ED medications always warn of “erections lasting longer than four hours”.

* Don’t expect a program from Trace Loft anytime soon called “Massage Your Meat”.

 
4) Other Biological Urges Kick In Shockingly Fast

When you’re seriously horny, it practically consumes your imagination whole. Fair enough.

But wow…it’s nothing short of amazing how fast your mind and body can switch gears once you’ve satisfied the urge.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve actually been mid-climax and found my mind registering random thoughts like, “Damn…you know, I’m starving,” or “Geez…I’m all of the sudden so tired I don’t think I’m gonna remember hitting the pillow.”

And no kidding, It happens so fast that it almost pisses you off. It’s obvious you’ve “been had” by your biological needs.

Chalk it all up to what I’ve always said: Horniness is but a dirty trick to get us to procreate, right?

 
5) A Twisted Version Of “Buyer’s Remorse”

I’ve saved the most horrendous example for last, no doubt.

And yes, it’s another case of how our urges betray us.

Basically, not only can lower-level physical urges like hunger or need for sleep kick in after sex, as described above, unfortunately so can LOGIC.

When this happens, it rears its head almost immediately after orgasm, typically in the form of: “OMG…how could I do that without birth control?”, or “Wait…we forgot to have the STD talk”, or “Hold on…is she going to think we’re boyfriend/girlfriend now?”, or perhaps even more bluntly in the form of, “What the hell have I done here?”

Having suddenly removed the blinders deployed by sexual opportunity and raw horniness, the details that seemed trivial a mere ten minutes ago suddenly leap out of the bushes.

Brutal.

 
Okay, so there you have it. Have you ever experienced any of these? What are your craziest and/or funniest stories?

More importantly, is there any weirdness that I’ve either forgotten about or have never had the dubious pleasure to partake of? I’d love to hear what you have to add to this (admittedly warped) discussion.

 

Be Good,

Scot McKay

 

P.S. What if you never had to worry about any other “sex issues” ever again? Here’s my best program on bedroom mastery.








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Comments

10 Responses to “5 Weird Things That Happen To Men After Sex”

  1. Fred

    Nah, you’re not a basket case. For the most part. [laugh]

    I can definitely attest to #1 and #2. It’s even worse when I still have an erection. I basically have to do a squat over the toilet to make sure I don’t miss the bowl. Times like that make me wish I had a stand-up urinal in my house.

    I’ve had #3 once or twice. You go at it for so long it gets fatigued and you can’t get it back up for love or money. All you can do is wait.

    #4 mostly involves me just wanting to take a nap. But sometimes the muscle stiffness kicks in the next morning. And yes, biology is all about the continuation of the species. It don’t care ’bout nothin’ else.

    And #5. Boy, #5. If I had a dollar for every logical thought after an orgasm…probably shouldn’t say it but sometimes, rubbing one out is safer. [laugh]

    Oh yeah, one particular weirdness just came to mind. Ever had a haircut? It’s a jarring experience, to say the least.

    Reply

    • Peeing while you still have an erection definitely counts as one. Realizing how badly you have to pee after sex also falls under #4.

      You’ll have to elaborate on the “haircut”, assuming it’s not literal.

      Reply

  2. Pierre

    So true!
    #1 is almost taken for granted, after all there’s a lengthy tube it’s coming thru.
    #2 really pisses me off and like Fred I’ve taken up sitting down to pee, which strangely enough feels really weird…
    #3 happens very soften, partially because of the reasons given, but also the mind start playing tricks, such as “can I do that again or might she want even more?”
    #4 Not so much, but ties in with #5. Funnily enough, it is my wife who completely conks out after orgasm and is in near coma for half an hour afterwards…. Not gender specific as you would say
    #5 I’m happily married, so this doesn’t happen anymore, but did occasionally in the past.

    Reply

  3. Mark

    Yeah so true….

    Also, when you meet a new girl, have sex (ie. no sleep) and then have to go to work the next morning, I find that the general urge to be snappy and irritable outweighs the after-thrill of having hot sex with a hot girl.

    Pros and cons to everything in life, I suppose….

    Reply

  4. Scott Todd

    You’re as normal as can be. Experienced all five. I was going to say 1-4 but not 5 as my wife is the only woman I’ve had sex with, but then I remembered a time about a couple years ago when she said she wanted another baby (she was in her early 50s; me mid 50s- sorry, but I can’t see myself with teenagers after I’m supposed to be retired!) I purposely didn’t have sex with her for some time because of that, then after a good long while gave in to temptation. Was glad when her next period started a few days later.

    Reply

  5. David

    #1 is well-known (also after sex). Fortunately I made it a habit to wear briefs after sex.
    #2 happens, but not only after sex. Also a perfectly normal morning wood can be that annoying…
    #3 is very common (should work out more). Sometimes I’m such swollen there that I’m almost glad about calling it a night.
    #4 is serious. Personally, I think dehydration is the worst because, compared to the others, it can’t really be worked around. Fortunately, it’s the easiest to handle too.
    #5 … fortunately not yet :D But it’s true that one thinks differently about a lot of things (especially about the girl, even if it’s one’s girlfriend) after the act…

    Reply

  6. Priapus

    So do ED meds really cause a 4+ hour erection? Psychotropics have this as a possible side effect only it’s excruciatingly painful; it’s called ‘priapism’ and there is a reason I ‘called’ myself ‘Priapus’. I’ll leave it to you to look it up should you wish (I’ll only say it’s the etymology of ‘priapism’ and involves a certain deity in Greek mythology).

    Never having been with anyone I have some comments on the list nevertheless:

    1. Similar is after voiding (emptying bladder) there is another kind of leak.
    2. Be thankful you don’t have real blockage! Take my word on that; even though in my case it’s urinary retention (side effect group: anticholinergic effects) the scopes (and worse things like urodynamic) are horrible (particularly the following X days).
    3. Inexperienced I’m not sure if you mean you can’t go at it again or if you mean you’re sore (or both); but I would say for the former you can help yourself (I don’t know for certain how much pelvic floor exercises helps on this matter by itself but they’re very useful even besides for sexual performance).
    4. Obviously I can’t comment here.
    5. Same as #4.

    Reply

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