A Dirty Dozen Examples: What To Do When She Does You Wrong

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Men Treated BadlyI’m disheartened by the number of truly angry guys there are out there.

Nonplussed by the trend toward female empowerment at the expense of the male gender, more and more men are “going their own way”. They’re saying they just don’t need real, live women anymore.

You need only rifle through the hundreds of comments on this other post to sense the raw force of the vitriol out there. The prevailing question is, “Why endure losing half of my wealth and sanity in divorce court to a woman who only bitched and complained anyway…assuming she didn’t flatly reject me before any of that could ever happen?”

With the availability of on-demand video porn in HD and even lifelike rubber dolls nowadays, these guys are wondering why anyone would even bother trifling with a real, live woman. Hell, I’m taken to task (or even burned at the stake) for actually liking women and having the audacity to encourage other men to do the same.

No good deed goes unpunished, apparently.

But yes, I actually still adore women, even though I could be easily led to believe I’m in a rapidly dwindling minority. I honestly believe that most women want to treat a good man right, and my life purpose remains promoting solid, healthy male/female relationship.

Still, the idea of whether women ultimately want to love us or destroy is is NOT the black-and-white issue that some would make it out to be.

I’m neither naïve nor foolish. Some may not know that I’ve experienced more than my fair share of tough breaks at the hands of poisonous women. So yes, I fully realize that women aren’t necessarily all smiling angels of mercy and perpetual blow jobs.

But here’s the thing. I present for your consideration what I believe to be an evolution of thinking on this whole topic.

 
Make Her Want To Do Anything For You

 

What if it’s really, seriously true that women do indeed respond to our lead, as I’ve been on a soapbox about for over a decade now?

What if the #MGTOW guys really are contributing to their own mess by reactively lashing back at the most vocal “man haters” out there, as opposed to proactively bypassing women we don’t even desire anyway?

Could it be true that the women of character out there are simply avoiding the men who they know lack respect and goodwill toward them? That seems like a rhetorical question, at least from my vantage point of living a life where the vast, vast majority of women I encounter are sweet and adorable.

You see, I think both men and women can have black-hearts OR golden-hearts.

But I think that MOST of us, regardless of gender, are more “gray hearted”. We are imperfect mortals, alternating between shining flashes of glory and sick, twisted moments of infamy.

Really, the way the pendulum swings depends on a number of x-factors, including strength of emotion, the power of provocation, firmly held beliefs, intangible hunches, the controlled substances we’re on or even if we’ve had lunch yet or have had enough sleep lately.

Which brings this discussion back full-circle to leadership.

Yes, women CAN do you wrong. And you can bet that they WILL on plenty of occasions.

But it’s proactive handling of those incidents that separates the men who succeed with women from those who habitually retreat to their man caves and rub one out.

With that in mind, and in the interest of turning a subjective discussion in a more objective direction, I offer for your reading pleasure a full dozen different scenarios. Accompanying each is my first impulse on how best to handle them on the fly as an optimistic man of character who appreciates women and ultimately expects the best from them.

Fair warning: In the name of being succinct these may come off as simplistic. But after all, this is a blog post not an e-book. Nevertheless, I fully understand that my thoughts are likely to trigger a multitude of questions, opinions and follow-up suggestions.

Hey, that’s what the comment section below is for, so let ‘er rip.

 

1) Flaking

Women who are popular with men are infamous for canceling dates or even no-showing. What’s often going on there is they’ve double- or triple-booked, ultimately selecting the option they like best when the time comes.

Note here that once men get good with women, they can most certainly run the same scam.

That said, the reason women seem to play these games more often is we as men have basically trained them to believe it’s okay. In other words, a legion of needy guys out there will tolerate this bad behavior with smiling faces, begging for her to reschedule.

After that happens several dozen times, the conditioning is complete.

Ironically, however, desirable women will NOT respect any man who capitulates to her flaking.

That’s why you want to be the exception. Tell her up front that you’re a man of character who shows up when he makes firm plans and you only spend time with women who are the same way. When she agrees, she’ll have made a pact with herself at that point, which feels that much slimier to break…even for a narcissist.

If and when she flakes anyway, simply don’t put up with it. Put fear of loss aside and tell her there’s no second chance, unless she has a REALLY, REALLY good excuse that includes no chance of her giving you any more advance notice. At that point you might be surprised when she scrambles to set the makeup date herself.

 
2) Blaming

Don’t let any woman paint herself as a victim at your expense, especially when you’ve done nothing to antagonize her or make her life less enjoyable.

Boldly but calmly announce that both of you are adults, which means you’re responsible for your respective decision making skills—or lack thereof.

If you did her wrong, apologize accordingly and make it right. But if she’s offloading unjustified fault onto you, it’s SHE who is in the wrong.

 
3) Man-Hating

Is this just a convenient dagger to throw based on a fleeting mood swing, or is it really her deep-seated world view?

Chalk the former up to a temporary lapse of reason. Run away from the latter…permanently.

 
Make Her Want To Do Anything For You

 

4) Ghosting

This is a low-character move and it indeed sucks. And yes, this complaint is probably registered by as many women against men as vice-versa.

I mean, why can’t people just tell you what’s up rather than straight-up disappearing off the face of the planet?

In the case of male “ghosting”, it’s usually because we’re too chicken to deal with a woman’s emotions should we hurt her feelings by bailing on her.

That can be the case for women also, but there’s usually a different twist to it.

Sometimes women think twice about a guy they’ve shown interest in previously, perhaps because they have an uneasy feeling about him. For that same reason they “disappear” rather than risking a potentially unpleasant confrontation.

When you understand that women may feel the “butterflies” of attraction in the moment they’re with you, that emotional high can very well be tempered by logic after you’re out of sight and out of mind. This is especially true if she doesn’t know you.

The simple (but not necessarily easy) solution, of course, is to intentionally focus on comfort and security when meeting women and seeking to make plans with them.

There’s a lot of talk in pickup about getting women’s numbers quickly, but on the other hand, you don’t want to jump the gun without establishing that you’re a solid, normal guy with good intentions (which you are, right?)

 
5) Flirting With Other Guys

People who respect the basic humanity of others simply do not flirt with other MOTOS (members of the other sex) when with a significant other.

If you’re in a relationship with someone who has a habitual problem here, reconsider getting into a long-term relationship with her. That especially holds true if she runs a double-standard whereby you’re punished for even looking at another woman.

Nevertheless, sometimes women can flirt with other guys early on as an intentional tactic. It’s a sign to you that they’re desirable by other men and/or that they’re playing “hard to get”.

This drives us nuts, of course, because if you complain you look insecure or needy…yet if you remain passive you look like a doormat.

What you can do is matter-of-factly suggest that she doesn’t need to try to impress you. You only date women who are desirable to you already.

See how that demonstrates that you’re used to the company of high quality women, even as you keep your masculine power and composure?

 
6) Cheating

First of all, make sure you have your facts straight. Women will often fold when confronted with allegations of cheating.

If you suspect she’s cheating but won’t admit to it, try changing the subject right after she denies it. Cheaters will be more than happy to talk about something else, whereas people who aren’t cheaters will NOT let that water go under the bridge so quickly. They’ll need to know more about where the allegations are stemming from.

All of that said, none of it is relevant unless you’ve clearly defined the nature of your relationship with a woman. If one of you thinks you’re exclusive and the other does not, trouble will loom on the horizon.

 
7) Baiting And Switching

Let’s say she made a promise and isn’t making good on it. For that matter, consider any incidence of saying one thing and doing another.

While a predictable pattern of such behavior reflects bad character, even well-meaning people occasionally try to fudge on previous commitments, for whatever “innocent” reason.

If you’re dealing with a reasonable woman, solving such issues typically involves nothing more than calmly and objectively calling her on the carpet. Clearly state your desire for her to stick to her word.

 
8) Presuming

Sometimes women will assume you’re in the wrong without definable evidence to support it. These “knee jerk” reactions are, again, not a gender-specific phenomenon.

You can carefully address her lack of logic without losing your cool if she’s a reasonable woman for the most part.

Do be careful to watch for women with an unnaturally strong jealous streak, however. For instance, if you’re accused of sleeping with another woman having been out to the corner store for ten minutes, you might think about walking away from such a relationship.

 
9) Projecting

Even well-meaning women can fall prey to general warnings about “men behaving badly”.

If you ever feel she’s projecting that sort of thing onto you, you can stand up for yourself by proclaiming that you’re NOT every other guy, especially those who may have hurt her in the past.

Like her, you’re a human being. Just like she might not have the character flaws that some men believe to be ubiquitous in women, you don’t necessarily fit negative male stereotypes.

 
10) Manipulating

Manipulation is simply a tactic used by someone to get others to do what they want. Guilt trips (“If you love me, you’ll…”), leveraging rewards (I’ll have sex with you if you…”) and/or demonstrating dependent weakness (“I can’t do this and all is hopeless unless you…”) are all classic traps.

Importantly, I’d say virtually all of us can be manipulative at times, depending on who or what is at stake. So unless this is a habitual pattern, don’t sweat it much. And hey…if it IS a pattern, you just might be enabling it by caving easily and often.

Most pathological manipulator types (e.g. Narcissistic Personality Disorder) actively seek out optimistic, overly-generous “people pleasers”, so you chase them off simply by standing up for yourself.

But even in the offhand instances when someone would seek to manipulate you, know the boundaries of your own generosity and practice TGR-R and you’ll never be manipulated again.

 
11) Taking Without Giving

I brought up NPD in the previous bullet point. That’s no joke. Extreme selfishness is at an all time high.

When you’re with a woman, there should be equal measures of give and take on both sides. In fact, if you’re a giving person that leadership should inspire a good woman to give back to you. That’s a solid foundation for a great relationship.

But lately I’ve been talking to more and more guys who are hiring me to coach them on how to make their woman happy (a red flag in and of itself). Nearly always, the simple question of what on earth they’re getting in return from her for all their efforts shocks them to the core and leaves them speechless.

Deserve what you want, yet. But then you should freely expect to get it, dammit.

 
12) Gossiping

Maybe it’s that women believe most of us as guys have thick skins.

Or perhaps it’s because so many of us go around crowing about “not caring what others think”.

But holy mama, is it ever amazing how much private information women freely disclose to their BFFs.

Now, if either you or your girl backstab each other then you’ve got serious relationship issues.

But even adoring women can go too far, especially after a few drinks on Girl’s Night Out.

If anything gets back to you that you would prefer hadn’t been shared, again keep your cool and make your displeasure clear. You have solid point. Nobody else deserve to know the details about what you’re like in bed, how much money you make, etc.

 

Okay, so fair enough? Remember, most of what I just outlined is not gender specific, although some of the patterns are definitely more typical of women.

I know this one is going to spawn plenty of discussion, so let’s hear what you have to say. Do you agree or disagree? What did I forget to add? Any stories to either support or refute my bullet points?

 

Be Good,

Scot McKay

 

P.S. Want to earn the favor of women everywhere? Here’s my best program on getting women to treat you right, and making it THEIR idea.








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Comments

24 Responses to “A Dirty Dozen Examples: What To Do When She Does You Wrong”

  1. Poly Not "Out"

    On point. But flirting is also subject to one’s relationship parameters, as noted about cheating. But then, if flirting is no problem, it takes the BS you’re mentioning here out of the equation.

    Reply

  2. Garry

    I agree with a lot of what you said, especially about being careful to watch for women with unnaturally strong jealous streaks.

    People of character seek it in their partners. People who don’t make it a point to live and act with integrity don’t seek it out and may not understand it if they stumble across it. If a man who keeps his word makes a commitment to a woman and she continues to watch him like a hawk and lashes out over imagined infidelities, it means she doesn’t understand strong character enough to recognize it in him. That wouldn’t be the case if she held herself to high standards in her own life.

    Plus, some women (and some men) fear emotional intimacy and aren’t capable of building a solid relationship. The endless loop of accusation, anger, apology and making up keeps both people from actually taking the relationship anywhere worth going. The whole thing becomes like a plane that spends hours taxing around the airport but never get into the air, let alone crosses an ocean to exciting new places.

    As for flaking . . . what you said about being resistant to giving a flaker a second chance and how that might have her scrambling to arrange a makeup date. Is that really something a man should want? I’m torn on that one. This is 2016, I think everyone, men and women, are more pressed for time than ever before. Maybe as an older, divorced man who wishes there were more hours in the day I look at it differently than a guy in his 20s might, but a simple text early in the day of ‘sorry, I won’t be able to make it’ isn’t that difficult and shows a basic empathy for other people.

    I know it’s learned behavior on women’s part, as you said. They’d rather not show than risk an awkward phone call saying they’re ‘not able to’, but a text avoids that and gives the guy time to make other plans for his evening.

    My question is this, anything a guy does after a woman flakes that might prompt her to pursuing a makeup date, isn’t that just pushing her buttons and manipulating her to fall into ‘wanting what she can’t have’? Isn’t a man better served by clearing the clutter from his deck and giving priority to women who’re interested in who he is, rather than pushing buttons of women who aren’t? At the same time I can see the merit in doing whatever it might take (within reason) to get that first date so that she can spend a couple hours with him and become intrigued. For every long term couple who look back and say it was love at first sight, there seems to be another happy couple whose story is more ‘first time we met I barely noticed her/him’

    Reply

    • You bring up great points, Garry. The topics of jealousy and flaking are worth separate blog posts, aren’t they?

      I think you’re right on about the correlation between jealousy and character, and that some people just aren’t capable of being one half of a successful couple.

      Basically, the idea on flaking is that most men will kowtow to her after she flakes. By being a man who doesn’t react with fear of loss, you serve notice in a way that might every well perk up her attraction sensors. Therefore, you’re more likely to get the desired result (i.e. going out with her) than other guys would. I do indeed agree that women often solidify their feelings once they’re actually out and comfortable with the guy. In the case of online dating in particular, think about it…she’s never even actually met the guy before.

      Reply

  3. Mike

    Hey Scot,

    Great list and great ideas. My question about the flaking item is, should you contact them after they flake? What has happened to me a couple times is that they disappear maybe 24–36 hours before the scheduled date and then they no-show, never to be heard from again, and this includes texts and phone calls not being answered nor returned.

    (And the frustrating thing about this is as you said–women are imperfect creatures too, who have been led to believe that this behaviour is acceptable, when dealing with someone they hardly know or haven’t met yet. It often can be avoided with leadership on our part, which is why knowing how to handle these situations correctly is a good thing for us guys.)

    I really do like what you say about letting them know upfront good-naturedly that you are a man of character who keeps his word and that you expect the same from her in return.

    Reply

  4. D.

    Some very good points to consider, especially that neither gender is perfect and anyone could fall into these behaviors occasionally.

    My only issue (if you could call it that) is that from my understanding, you’re still sort of shifting blame for the flaking back onto men.

    Obviously, you should have enough respect for yourself not to beg for someone’s time or attention. But I completely disagree with the statement that women are “conditioned” to believe their behavior is acceptable. That’s a cop-out, man. Your bad behavior and lack of respect for others is 100 percent on you at the end of the day.

    You’re clearly not part of that whole “blame men for everything” circle, but that absolutely reeks of it, to be completely honest.

    Anyway, the few times I did run into that issue myself, I told them to get lost in the most polite way possible. It’s not a game I’m going to play with any woman, regardless of how much chemistry we had to begin with.

    Women who engage in that need to grow up and start behaving like adults, frankly. I can’t give them another chance to display what children they really are at heart. I have other options.

    Treating other people (including MOTOS) with baseline respect and manners is not that difficult. And if it is…I have no interest in teaching you something that is to be learned in kindergarten.

    Reply

    • Oh, I completely agree with you. I’m not letting flaky women off the hook by any means. Bad behavior is bad behavior, which is why this is a bullet point in the post. The point is that so many men will chase a popular woman even after she flakes that she becomes conditioned to believe it’s the norm. And again…as stated in the post that phenomenon is NOT gender specific. Chasers of any gender get flaked on by sexually attractive people of low-character. Period.

      Reply

      • D.

        Thanks for the clarification, Scot. Personally, I knew I made progress in this area when I started to not get angry about this type of thing and realize that’s just the world some women (and men) live in, and literally don’t see an issue with. I’ll let someone who’s decided it’s worth the time and effort go for it. The lack of character involved just turns me off on multiple levels. Even on the occasion a woman started blowing up my messages apologizing when I called her on it, it didn’t feel like some big accomplishment. I was annoyed.

        Anywho, informative post. Enjoy reading this blog.

        Reply

    • Garry

      I agree that we’re all responsible for our behavior, and I’ve little respect for anyone who time and time again opts to do something they know is wrong simply because they believe they can get away with it. I also don’t think Scot’s point about flaking as learned behavior is the same as him saying that men are more to blame for it than women are. His point seems to be that popular women have learned that they can get away with flaking. Where did they learn that? They learned it from their experiences with men.

      I’d make an analogy to the Bengals Steelers game Saturday night. ‘Pacman’ Jones cost his team that game with his lack of self control. Coach Marvin Lewis didn’t commit that penalty, but Marvin Lewis allowed an undisciplined culture to exist within the Bengals that supported Pacman in his belief that his ability gave him a free pass on knucklehead behavior that would have gotten a lessor athlete cut.

      There’s a reason a coach like Tony Dungy never lost a playoff game because of back to back bonehead 15 yd penalties and Marvin Lewis has. Lewis has spent 5 seasons enabling Pacman’s act and it bit Lewis in the a** at the worst possible time. It’s like a guy who spends 5 months allowing a woman to be as destructively impulsive and self centered as she wants, sooner or later she’s gonna do something that breaks his heart.

      At least Lewis can argue that he tolerated Pacman because he’s one of the 50 best DB’s on the planet and it’s hard to find someone better.There are a LOT more good women in this world than there are cover corners.

      Reply

      • That’s a brilliant analogy. Spot on.

        Reply

      • D.

        Oh, I see the point he was trying to make, and it’s a valid one. The thing is, it would be much more acceptable, although still immature and irresponsible, to have mistakenly double booked or gone off to do something else, your other plans having simply slipped your mind.

        When you go into this mode of behavior where you habitually break plans at the last minute just because you’ve learned you can often get away it, that’s a much bigger deal.

        To the point here, I don’t really care where it was “learned”. It’s disrespectful as all get-out, and it feels like people are trying to let the person displaying such flagrantly self-centered tendencies wiggle out of it by suggesting the people around them contributed to it.

        I could go around lying to several women I know and probably get them to sleep with me at this very moment, but I’m not interested in them like that.

        Just because I know I could do it doesn’t mean I’d do it and then say, “Well, no one ever called me on it”. I know right from wrong. It doesn’t require a constant slap on the hand.

        Reply

        • Agreed, but this post was specifically about the intentional behavior of treating someone poorly. Notwithstanding that, I’d add here that if a woman forgets about a date with a guy then he didn’t do a very good job of raising interest level/sparking attraction.

          Reply

  5. C

    ‘Most pathological manipulator types (e.g. Narcissistic Personality Disorder)’

    A much, much better example would be borderlines (as in borderline personality).

    Not that it probably matters to anyone but there you have a great example. I can think of other examples but in the end one need not even have a disorder (and/or might simply have traits or similarities for various reasons), as it were.

    Reply

    • Fair point. In fact, many (if not most) medically-defined psychoses are characterized by selfish manipulation. And yes, one need not be psychotic to be manipulative.

      Reply

  6. Sam

    Hello Scot, great blog! I’ve myself been in that situation where i felt mistreated by a woman and wasn’t sure whether i was being insecure and needy
    or simply not being respected. What’s your take about a woman in a committed relationship who brags to her friends about another man? I once overheard my girlfriend bragging about her TA and how sexy she found him. She was drunk and things had been tense between us for the last few weeks. Needless to say, i found that to be a true lack of respect for me on her part and decided to end things right there and then. Did i overreact? She also had a double standard in place which i also consider a type of manipulation…

    Reply

    • Yes, that’s blatant disrespect, Sam. I have no qualms with you ending a relationship on those grounds, as it portends even more profound measures of disrespect.

      Here are 8 other signs to look for, come to think of it:

      http://edumckaytion.com/blog/8-signs-girlfriend-respect/

      Reply

      • Sam

        Thanks for weighing in and including that link, it’s a great addition to this article. A lot of PUAs and dating coaches teach about attraction and seduction. So far, you’re the only one I’ve found who successfully teaches about character, strong values, masculinity and simply put, how to be a real man that most good women out there need and deserve. I always get immense value from your products,emails,podcasts and articles which are much needed in our emasculating cultures with mixed gender roles.. Not kissing ass, just sincerely grateful :)

        Reply

  7. Garry

    I read this list again and realized that the first time through I’d gone right past the one that has been the biggest issue in my life. That’s number 7, baiting and switching.

    Some of the others were always easier for me to see right away when they happened to me. Flaking, gossiping, cheating, over the top flirting are obvious when they happen. I haven’t always handled them as well as I should have, but I knew she was doing something that I didn’t like.

    The bait and switch thing, or call it promising and not delivering was harder and might still be if it happens again. A woman I was seeing would paint a picture of how something was going to be and then she wouldn’t follow through and my thinking would be that somehow I’d been the reason she changed her mind. That something I’d done between point A and point B had lessened her interest. That it was my fault.

    It’s a hard one to see clearly. Years ago I was occasionally dating a girl who needed some minor work done on her car. I could do it and save her some money, so the plan was I’d fix her car Saturday morning and then we’d have the rest of the day together. Ended up with her being ‘tired’ and the last half of our plans fizzling. Instead of thinking I’d been used I blamed myself because I’d gotten frustrated with the plug wires and for a short period hadn’t been cool, calm, and collected. Feared afterward it made me look weak and that had deadened her mood.

    Reply

  8. Raul

    O.K., here are some tips about the flaking issue with women from a wanabe pickup artist and from my own personal expirience. And this is specially true is she is s hot young women.

    First, don’t just ask her for her number and runaway the minute she gave it to you. Instead, try to have a mini date with her right here and there when you meet her. And here are some examples for some ocasions:

    If you meet her in a night club, try to stick with her all night and maby kiss her or make out with her a little bite before asking her her number. Better, wive her a chance for her to give it to you. And if not, wait until the very last minute before you go to ask for it. If you just talk to her a little bite and get her number it is almost a warranty she will falke.

    If you met her at the gym, try talking to her a few times and then try to go out with her one day coming right after the gym, without asking her her number. Like you are there with her and suggest going somewhere right now. If she likes you but can’t she will give you her number and suggest other time. If not she’ll say I can’t and live it at that. There is no point in blowing up her phone.

    But regardless of where you meet her, if you are calling her to make a date, try calling them to go out with you today, tomorrow or the day after at the most.

    If you call her on Monday to ask her out of Friday the is like an 80% probability she will flake.

    And yes, she is most likely going out with several different people at once and so should you.

    And if she falkes on you, wich is the most likely scenario at the beginning, don’t get mad, rather, except it. And don’t ever complain to her about it. Instead try contact her a few weeks or days later and just make conversation on the phone or in person if she goes to the same gym or school or class as you do. But don’t ask her out again for a while, just try to make nice conversation with her for a while and pretend the flake didn’t even happen. If she brings it up say don’t worry not big deal, I forgot about it too. And wait for her to ask you out.

    That’s it.

    Reply

    • The “insta-date” is definitely a good plan, particularly if you have the time to pull it off and it makes sense in the moment. You also make a great point about making dates way too far in advance.

      However, I still say it’s good to call women out on flaking rather than simply ignoring it. Believe me, SHE knows that YOU know it happened. If you let her off the hook, you’re giving your power away–even as you perpetuate the cycle of conditioning her that flaking is okay.

      That last point is particularly poignant if you’re an older guy who likes younger women. One time a younger woman (23, I was 38) ran the old-standard “family emergency” excuse on me, which of course is pointless to argue. I granted her the reschedule, especially (and importantly) since she’s the one who suggested doing so.

      On the day we were to have lunch at 11.30 am, she texted me at 11.20 with a message that began with, “Um…” I was already almost to the restaurant. After I answered her text that I was disappointed in her for turning out to be a little girl instead of a woman, she showed up about thirty minutes later. I was already almost finished eating. Nevertheless, I bought her lunch because I had invited her and kept my word. She laughed, giggled, told me how excited she was to meet me and basically adored me. At the end, I told her I wished her well. She was shocked and incredulous. I calmly, casually told her she blew the second chance and I was therefore not interested in anything further. She was indeed extremely cute and sexy, and I honestly believe she had *never* had any man withstand her immature behavior before. The ironic part is that she called me several times after that asking me to “forgive” her, which in and of itself is manipulative.

      Getting over fear of loss is almost always the best way to go when interacting with women.

      Reply

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