Dating Coaching – The Official Blog Of Scot McKay

12 Wonders From The Past That Post-Modernity Has Stolen From Us

I was a high school kid in the early ‘80s when the term “digital” gained traction in the public headspace. I specifically remember the very moment I learned what the term meant relative to the analog nature of, well…everything in life up to that point.

As naïve as I may have been, I wondered then what life would be like when everything was reduced to simple ones and zeros. Wouldn’t it all be so finely-calculated to the point of being hyper-sanitary…and boring?

As it turned out, my simple teenage mind was prescient in many ways. In the rush toward digital everything, plenty of what made life interesting—and arguably better—has been lost, probably forever.

Realistically speaking, plenty of what I’m about to throw on the table happened long before “my day”. As such, my intent isn’t to sound curmudgeonly. It’s just that with technology moving at such breakneck speed toward The Singularity, I haven’t seen much written about what we’ve sacrificed along the way as collateral damage.

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15 Things No Man Should EVER Say

Scot and Emily Most of my online research on the subject du jour uncovered articles by angry women whose baseline vitriol toward men was barely concealed under the surface. Predictably, the vast majority were specifically about what men should never say to women in particular.

I found myself ~~reading~~ enduring endless rants over purely innocent, and in many cases ostensibly innocuous (e.g. “you look beautiful tonight”) alleged mistakes by men who meant well, it’s just that they were apparently ill-equipped to read angry women’s minds Said angry women, in turn not able to read men’s minds, therefore assumed the worst, of course.

Yeah, well…if you’re at all worried this is going to be that kind of post, save your brain cells. I’m not an angry woman, nor have I been hanging out with any lately who could theoretically influence my thoughts.

Rather, this is a man-to-man post with the well-meaning brotherly intention of saving guys from clearly demonstrating they have zero skill with women whatsoever.

That means I’ll be sparing you any semblance of politically correct regurgitation, including but not limited to “dog-whistling” or “virtue signalling”. That said, I make no apologies for “triggering” anyone. After all, Job One here is watching out for your best interests as a man who loves women.

So let’s get on with it, already.

And by the way, I’m not limiting the list to what we should never say to women per se. What follows is a more pure rendering of what should never be said by a man period.

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10 Ways I Knew Emily Was “The One”

Scot and Emily Getting into a committed relationship is scary. As much as we hope the person we’re with is our “one and only”, everybody knows the reality of divorce rates.

Even so, I remain appalled by how many people willingly jump like lemmings off a cliff into an exclusive relationship—or even marriage—with Mr. or Ms. Wrong.

The crazy part is most people who settle are fully aware they’re doing so. Such bad relationship decisions may be driven by a biological clock that’s ticking, ulterior motives (e.g. money, citizenship), low self-esteem or even gnawing loneliness.

But how ironic is it that we have so much trouble positively identifying the right relationship when it comes along? Indeed, I get asked all the time how to be sure one’s significant other is really significant enough.

That’s because, good grief…I’m the right guy to ask. After a turbulent first marriage and a devastating divorce, why in the world would I ever get married again…especially when I had successfully crafted a lifestyle of dating many high-quality women at once?

I had to be sure.

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Top 10 Subtle Signs That Someone Lacks Character

Anyone who is blatantly narcissistic or psychopathic, has a hair-trigger temper, gets their jollies from swindling people, lies even when the truth is easy and/or robs banks is obviously short on character.

And on the flip side, people who have a well thought out belief system that’s the cornerstone of their lives, deliver on what they say they’re going to do, do the right thing even when nobody else is watching and generally believe in leaving the world a better place than they found it are considered to have good, strong character.

All of the that isn’t generally up for debate.

But in the middle there is a massive gray expanse, isn’t there? Nobody can be a paragon of perfection at all times, of course. Nevertheless, here are ten indicators of character deficiency that tend to fly under the radar.

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9 Ways You Ended Up In An Exclusive Relationship Without Even Knowing It

Feeling Pressured Into An Exclusive Relationship You Aren't Ready For?

As far as you were concerned, you’d met someone attractive and interesting and were simply “seeing where it all goes”.

You wanted time to evaluate the possibility of an exclusive relationship. In your mind, going steady with someone implies testing the waters of a long-term committed partnership. You don’t take that lightly, which is wise.

Yet here you are, and there she is.

By way of pure assumption, the two of you are understood to be boyfriend and girlfriend—seeing only each other, hurtling blindly toward a future together.

A huge part of you is left asking how this all happened. You’re scratching your head wondering how you never had any say in this matter. Is this even what you want?

If the situation I just described sounds pretty jacked up to you, that’s because it is. Yet you wouldn’t believe how many e-mails I get from men AND women reporting that it has happened to them, and wondering what to do about it.

Well, the best course of action is always to have “The Talk” with everyone you’re dating, asking what they’re looking for from their dating life at the moment and telling them where you stand. Ideally this happens on the second or third date, and definitely before intimacy. But better late than never, regardless.

No matter what your long-term strategy is, however, what are the more subtle tactics that your would-be significant other might use to rope you into an exclusive relationship sooner than you’d like?

Here are nine of them to look out for:

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6 Incredibly Hot Things To Say When She Casually Brings Up Sex

Under The Table And Out Of Sight It’s such a shame, really. Sometime back in the pickup artist era it was decided that whenever women casually bring up sex during first date conversation—or friendly chit-chat, even—it must be some sort of “test”.

The assumption there is she’s evaluating how we deal with the “hot potato” she’s suddenly dropped in our lap.

If we overreact with excitement and/or shock, she’ll assume we’re undersexed, inexperienced and desperate. Losing our cool is an epic fail, openly demonstrating we’re not in her league.

But if we remain composed and casually engage in the conversation as if it’s no big deal, then we score big points.

On the surface, this might appear to be a reasonably accurate assessment of such a situation and how we might potentially handle it as guys.

But what if it’s not a “test” at all? I’d contend it’s more of an invitation to join in the mating dance.

Unfortunately, most guys take an exhilarating opportunity like that and squander it. They sense they’re being “tested” and fall into self-preservation mode instead of reaching for high gear.

No, you don’t shy away from the conversation. But nor should you simply keep it casual and matter-of fact. That’s mere survival, not glorious victory.

Remember, she started it. Go forth boldly under such circumstances.

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The Lost Art Of Writing Love Letters

Should You Write Her A Love Letter? I recently got a call from a guy who couldn’t wait to share his latest success story with me. Suddenly, his new girlfriend was more adoring and affectionate than ever, which boosted his confidence to new heights and thrilled him to no end. What’s more, even the woman’s mother was now completely won over, telling him that she had thought such wonderful men didn’t exist anymore.

So what had triggered this bonanza of euphoria all around him?

He had hand-written his girlfriend a love letter.

He described it as a simple one, one page front and back. In it, he expressed how magical his time spent with her had been thus far and talked about a future full of exciting travels and boundless adventure together.

After sharing the details with me, he paused briefly before suggesting in a quieter, almost reverent tone that he had stumbled upon something really big here. In his words, “a type of wild card to solidify a relationship, or maybe a way to help a guy get the girl he’s been dating for a while to fall in love.”

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7 Women Who Are Probably Dateless (And Will Stay That Way)

Hi There. Avoid Me. Whenever I set out to write a post like this, I’m tempted to lead with a disclaimer.

This time I’m going to indulge.

If you’re familiar with my writings, my general philosophies and especially the strength of my relationship with my wife Emily, you already know that I genuinely adore women.

What you ALSO fully realize is that both Emily and I take an “equal opportunity” approach to doling out what’s commonly known as “tough love”.

Yeah, well…what follows is one of those “tough love” posts.

So fair warning: It’s either time to buckle down or bring your sense of humor, one or the other.

That’s because I’m about to throw down a full-on rant about the seven types of women who shouldn’t even THINK about blindsiding some guy with their crazy, possibly sociopathic tendencies.

But to be clear, every bit of what I’m about to say is NOT gender-specific. Guys for whom the shoe fits are likely to get the short end of the relationship stick also, no doubt.

It’s just that 90% of this blog’s readership is men, hence the context.

Enough already. Let’s get on with it…

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7 Bad-To-The-Bone Skills That Women Love

Get Your Game On I’m not sure what it is lately, but I’ve been getting more than my fair share of e-mails from guys saying something to the effect of this:

“But Scot, I’m incredibly useless/boring/average and there’s nothing about me that a woman would be attracted to, especially compared to other guys out there.”

My knee-jerk reaction is to encourage men who think that way to stop comparing themselves to others and take control over their circumstances instead. Thankfully, we can DO SOMETHING to change the way things are if we just don’t feel like we’ve got a whole lot to offer a woman. That’s what deserving what you want is all about.

But I have to be honest with you. My knee-jerk reaction has to yield to a gut-level hunch in this case. That’s this: I’d be willing to bet that you ALREADY HAVE some pretty badass skills in your toolbox. The problem is that you simply aren’t leveraging them.

Here are seven examples of common skills that thrill women to no end. You may already possess some of these, but the reason I’ve selected them in particular is because they can be acquired with a modicum of effort:

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That New Bud Light Commercial Where They’re On A First Date

If you’ve been watching the NCAA tournament at all this year, you’ve probably already seen this commercial about three dozen times:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wMExuin6U-c

Considering that it centers around a first date between two people who’ve met online, I figured it would be fun to talk about it some…especially since I haven’t broken down any TV commercials around here lately.

So let’s get into it.

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7 Clues That You’re Being Too Picky

Be Selective, Not Picky If you’ve been reading this blog and/or my newsletters for some time, you already know how much I tend to harp on “settling”.

Essentially, I firmly believe that we shouldn’t allow ourselves to get into a long-term relationship with ANYONE who isn’t really who we want.

That’s all well and good.

But a couple of days ago, someone wrote in and basically asked this:

“Okay, smart guy. It’s loud and clear by now that I shouldn’t ‘settle’. But wait a minute, Trigger. How am I supposed to know if I’m being TOO picky?”

Interesting. On the surface, one’s knee-jerk reaction might be to assume that if “settling” is such a dirty, forbidden state of affairs then there would theoretically not be any such thing as being “too picky”.

But as it turns out, you really CAN cross the line if you’re not careful.

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5 Questions That No Dating Coach Can Answer

There Are Some Questions I Really Can't--And Shouldn't--Answer
Now, you see…before I even write a single word of this post, you’re probably already gearing up for the challenge of finding some OTHER dating coach to answer the questions I’m about to list, just because I said it can’t be done.

Well, so be it…but fair warning: once you see the list you might actually agree with me. That’s because the title of this post should probably have been, “5 Questions No Halfway Decent Dating Coach Should Presume To Be ABLE To Answer”.

But that’s too many words for a blog post title, really.

Never mind all that. Here’s the blasted list already.

Just to make it easier on everyone, I’m presenting the questions from the male perspective. Rest assured, however, that none of what we’ll discuss here today is gender-specific.

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Cheating Or Not: What Does “Being Faithful” Actually Mean?

How Do You Define Cheating? How come this topic hasn’t been discussed more frequently? I mean, there’s zero doubt that infidelity is a factor in countless broken relationships.

Perhaps we encounter so little elaboration on the subject because each of us believes we have a firm grasp of what it means to be “faithful” to a significant other.

But do we really? And what’s more, does our PARTNER believe the same way WE do? You just can’t make that assumption by default, or else serious trouble will be looming sooner than later.

Clearly, the key is open, honest communication early on.

So why do so many couples leave this topic “open ended”? The problem arises when neither partner wants to come off as overly jealous or insecure, or when one partner fears that opening such a “can of worms” will actually trigger jealousy in the other.

Nevertheless, if you care about a relationship, both of you have got to set expectations for yourself and for each other, and agree to them together.

Here are four particular areas that can help focus the somewhat nebulous topic of “fidelity”, making it easier to talk about and simpler to define.

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Are We Guys Really The “Commitment Phobes” Some Women Think We Are?

Are Men Afraid To Take The Plunge? Guys: Have you ever been in a relationship with a woman who, perhaps even subtly, is putting the pressure on you to marry her?

If the relationship had been going on for a matter of months (or even years) without you ever mentioning anything about “future plans”, let alone putting a ring on her finger, you may have been accused of being a “commitment phobe”.

Perhaps even MORE frustrating to women is when we as guys do talk about the possibility of getting married to them someday, but with a decidedly “open ended” twist to the conversation.

Maybe you’ve been there before. Heck, maybe you’re there right now.

So what’s the deal? Does she have a point? Are men naturally wired to be mortally afraid of getting into a committed relationship with a woman?

Let’s go ahead and open up that can of worms, because I’m not sure I’ve ever known anyone to have the guts to actually address this topic with some real truth.

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The Weird Pattern To Questions We Get

Given what Emily and I do for a living, as you imagine we’ve probably heard just about everything.

And truly, there’s no limit to the potential topics of discussion when it comes to matters of men relating to women and vice-versa.

Maybe that’s why it’s so blasted curious to me that about a quarter to a third of the questions we get follow a certain pattern.

It’s a very definable one, too. Here are just a few examples. See if you can pick up on what I’m talking about:

“Hey Scot, lately I’ve been completely unmotivated and even scared to ask a few women out. Yet they seem to flirt with me all the time. Should I man up and flirt back, or am I doomed to never having a girlfriend? Thanks, man.”

“Yo man, whenever I meet girls I try to ‘escalate’ as quickly as possible so I can ‘get the lay’. But the same thing always happens—they always tell me I’m a little too ‘intense’ for them and that they don’t want to go out with me. Should I stop pushing for sex so soon?”

And then there’s this sort of thing…which is way, way too common:

“Hello Scot and Emily. I live with my boyfriend, but he leaves me alone for most of the night and when he comes home drunk beats the heck out of me. He doesn’t have a job and spends most of what little I make on cocaine and gambling. Oh, and he slaps my two children around also and calls them names. Should I marry him?”

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Three Little Words (No…Not THOSE Three Little Words)

It was my oldest daughter who started it.

Back when she was about two she started saying, “I like you” to me.

Of course, we told her we loved her all the time.

But she was the one to take the initiative to take things a step further. Even though she was so young, she recognized that saying “I like you” is different than saying “I love you”.

Upon first consideration, you may perhaps think of “I like you” as somehow junior to its heavier “I love you” relative.

Indeed, many of us think of—and even joke about—“I like you” as kind of “ILY Lite”, possibly reserved for when someone we’re dating drops the “ILY” bomb on us before we’re exactly willing or ready to reciprocate.

Her: “I love you.”

Him: “Uh…I, um…LIKE you too.”

While I fully get the dynamics of such an unfortunate conversation, I think it’s a mistake to automatically relegate “I like you” to the realm of the relatively trivial.

That’s because when used effectively, the phrase can convey as much, if not MORE power than “I love you” can.

Even at age two, my daughter realized that.

The secret to making “I like you” count is using it proactively instead of reactively.

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Thank You For Your Contribution To Limiting Global Population Growth

[Ed. Note: Fair warning, what you are about to read is a mostly
satirical piece. You’re going to need to activate your sense of
humor before proceeding.]

Hey you know, with the global population now estimated to be at
about six-and-a-half billion (and growing), it’s become critical
that we as a human race do SOMETHING to keep the population from
exploding at an even greater rate than it has been lately.

What with people living something like twice as long on average as
they did roughly a century ago, the need for this is even more
apparent…as anyone can plainly see.

The formula I propose goes something like this:

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Women Really Are BORED…And They’re Waiting For YOU To Approach Them.

She's Bored To Tears...And We Hate When Women Cry, Huh? If you subscribe to my newsletter, which you should–especially if you’re a guy, then you probably caught my bit a week or so ago about how women are generally a lot more BORED on a regular basis than we think. Even the most attractive ones.

When you get right down to it, if and when you get over yourself and say hello to a woman you find attractive you’re very likely to find that she’s THRILLED you showed up. No kidding. She probably hasn’t had anything that exciting happen ALL DAY.

Still, a number of you chose to e-mail me with your doubts. In fact, enough of you still believe that every remotely attractive woman out there must be living like a “rock star” that I felt compelled to post a few of the responses to that newsletter that I got from various WOMEN who read it.

So that’s exactly what I’m about to do. Read ’em and weep…or be massively and powerfully encouraged. Your choice.

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The Chick Whisperer #42 — How To Make Women Laugh, And What To Do When They Cry

Man, if there’s anything that tends to completely vex guys all over the world, it’s got to be the whole concept of making women laugh.

Deep down, we know women find men with a sense of humor irresistible.

But wait a minute. Do we really have to actually make women bust their gut laughing all the time in order to come off as having a “sense of humor”?

That’s not only a really good question, it’s the question that my co-host Elaine Davis and I break down the answer to on this latest episode of The Chick Whisperer podcast.

If you don’t know Elaine, she happens to be the only dating coach I know of who’s also a professional stand-up comedian (as in, with paid gigs at places like The Laugh Factory in LA, and all that). Having heard so many stand up comics moan about their dating lives in their acts over the years–and suspecting it was all rooted in fact somewhere–I’ve been utterly fascinated by the apparent disconnect here.

I mean, which is it? Do funny guys attract women, or not?

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When She Says, “I Have A Boyfriend” + Special Teleseminar Event

With The Man’s Approach ready to drop this Friday September 10th at 11 am EDT, I wanted to be sure to get you up to speed with the goodies I’ve been handing out…just in case you’re not on the info list.

So far there have been two reports, and you can grab both of them once you get on the info list I just mentioned:

Special Report: 5 Things Women Want You To Know When Approaching Them

Special Report: When She Says, “I Have A Boyfriend

Response to those two reports has been nothing short of overwhelming. Even more amazing has been the number of responses we’ve gotten to the quick survey we have at the website. There have been 2090 in just about a week to the main question: “What are your biggest challenges when it comes to meeting women, starting conversations with them and/or making plans to see them again?”

We really didn’t dream we’d get as much input from guys all over the world as we have. While our first thought was to take all the answers and use them to make The Man’s Approach even better, we’ve decided to go ahead and hold a webinar/teleseminar TOMORROW NIGHT, September 9th @ 9 pm EDT.

On that call I’m going to be joined by a few other world-class experts at meeting women and we’re going to cover the solutions to as many of the sticking points guys have submitted as we can in 90 minutes.

Here are the coordinates for the call:

DATE: Thursday September 9th (That’s Tomorrow)

TIME: 9pm Eastern Daylight Time (GMT -4)

ACCESS: Via US Call-In Number OR Worldwide Via The Web

DETAILS: http://bit.ly/TheMansApproachWebinar

That’s all for now. Be sure to get in on the pre-launch info list because I have yet another special report coming tomorrow…just before The Man’s Approach itself launches on Friday.

Be Good,

Scot

The Man's Approach ... Coming This Summer From X & Y Communications