Guys: Have you ever been in a relationship with a woman who, perhaps even subtly, is putting the pressure on you to marry her?
If the relationship had been going on for a matter of months (or even years) without you ever mentioning anything about “future plans”, let alone putting a ring on her finger, you may have been accused of being a “commitment phobe”.
Perhaps even MORE frustrating to women is when we as guys do talk about the possibility of getting married to them someday, but with a decidedly “open ended” twist to the conversation.
Maybe you’ve been there before. Heck, maybe you’re there right now.
So what’s the deal? Does she have a point? Are men naturally wired to be mortally afraid of getting into a committed relationship with a woman?
Let’s go ahead and open up that can of worms, because I’m not sure I’ve ever known anyone to have the guts to actually address this topic with some real truth.
Okay ladies, this is the thing. You may have a boyfriend who you’ve been dating for a while, and yes…you may find he’s not asking you to marry him. And it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen anytime soon.
But my challenge to you is this: Is he really a “commitment phobe” in general, or is he simply terrified of committing to YOU?
By now you should know that both my wife Emily and I are “equal opportunity” dating coaches. Together we pull for BOTH genders to succeed in dating and relationships. That also means we issue “tough love” to both men and women as necessary.
And ladies, it’s time for some “tough love”.
Have you ever known a man to finally break up with a woman he had been dating for a long time but “afraid” to commit to, yet who was engaged to the very next woman he dated after a just a few WEEKS (or so it seemed)?
I’ve got news for you. He didn’t experience a “miracle cure” for Commitment Phobia.
I can assure you with nearly 100% certainty he simply found a woman who made him WANT to marry her.
There was no “miracle cure” because there was never any disease. He was mis-diagnosed from the very beginning.
What’s the diff between women who date “commitment phobes” and women who rarely, if ever see any verifiable evidence of this ailment?
If you’ve got an open mind toward considering that YOU may have some real, actual control over how things turn out for you in your relationships with men, I can show you TWO very simple distinctions.
1) Women who men want to keep around long-term are trustworthy
If a man isn’t at all sure that he can trust you, he’s NOT going to marry you. It’s pretty much as simple as that.
We as guys really don’t appreciate being humiliated by anyone, let alone by the woman in our lives who allegedly loves us more than any other.
Trust is called into question whenever a woman embarrasses a man in public, perhaps by starting quarrels around other people or openly questioning his judgment.
Women who operate as if there’s a “double standard” between what’s appropriate behavior for a woman as opposed to what’s acceptable for a man also undermine their own trustworthiness.
For example, is it okay for you to flirt with the waiter because “you’d never actually cheat”, but he gets a rolling pin upside the head whenever you even suspect his head just swiveled at the shopping mall…because “all men are dogs”?
If you answered “yes” to that question, it could be the most significant question you’ll ever have the opportunity to answer “yes” to, if you get my drift.
A man’s worst fear is getting married to a woman and having her be unfaithful to him…resulting in a long, drawn-out and very expensive divorce suit.
If that’s what he sees coming, suffice it to say he’ll NEVER go there.
2) Women who men want to keep around long-term GIVE at least as much as they expect to receive
It’s absolutely true that men want to be solid protectors and providers for their families.
But the key is that we want to be duly appreciated for our efforts.
Nearly all the women’s dating advice we’ve ever seen focuses on getting women to see themselves as “divine goddesses” who can do no wrong in a world where everything is some man’s fault.
I realize this sells books.
But ladies, it won’t ever get a man to take you seriously.
The selfish mindset proffered in the form of the exhortation to “get what you want” out of a relationship seems to completely overlook the common, basic fact that it takes TWO PEOPLE to form a relationship.
It straight-up doesn’t make a lick of sense to expect that someone is going to come along who is all about meeting all of your needs without expecting any joy and/or fulfillment in return.
Can you imagine the disaster that will ensue if TWO people try to build a relationship on such a shaky foundation?
Oh wait…it happens all the time, unfortunately.
Both men and women want to derive some benefit from a relationship. If a man can see NOTHING about being your future husband that holds any potential for personal satisfaction, then he will NOT marry you.
Now, I can already hear somebody asking, “Yeah, well…I’m having sex with him. Isn’t that a ‘benefit’?”
Sex should be a MUTUAL benefit, as opposed to a “reward” to a man in return for giving a woman whatever else she wants.
If it’s ever occurred to you that “cheap sex” isn’t fulfilling, then it’ll make sense to you that true fulfillment in a relationship comes with much greater depth.
A man wants a woman who supports him in his dreams and ambitions, who brings him comfort and who adds fun and joy to his life.
If all he encounters is an “entitlement mentality” without any reciprocation of his generosity in the form of feminine gifts, why should he be excited to be with you long-term?
The best you can expect is for him to stick around for the “cheap sex”…all the while waiting for a “better option”, even if passively.
Is that last sentence hard to read? You betcha. But it’s the honest truth.
And equally true is this: When that “better option” comes along, he just might marry her…and fast.
Just like we’ve all known at least one couple who finally broke up after YEARS of dating, we’ve all probably also known a woman or two who couldn’t go out on third dates without men proposing to her.
I’ve just told you the “secret” difference between those two types of women.
Gentlemen, I know you’re reading this. I’m not going to deny that some of you just aren’t ready to get married yet. But if that describes you, I’m all but sure you’re not getting roped into multi-year exclusive relationships…um, right?
If you’ve actually found that you lack the guts to break up with a woman you should have cut things off with long ago because you either feel like you lack options, fear her emotional response and/or you “feel sorry for her”; I say it’s time to “man up”. Not only have you strung her along unnecessarily, you owe her a contrite apology.
But if, on the other hand, you’ve got a girlfriend who is pressuring you to marry her but you’re just not “feeling it”, I’d encourage you to examine closely whether there’s really anything to all this “commitment phobe” stuff.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
P.S. Okay, let’s hear what you have to say. Ladies, do I have a point or am I way off? Gentlemen, did I hit the nail on the head here? Anything important I left out?
Great!
Thank you Scott. I think this is all true.
RE: ……”reciprocation of his generosity in the form of feminine gifts.”
What are these feminine gifts you are referring to?
Is it love and appreciation?/ Are these feminine gifts intangible or do they need to be tangible?
Aside from the fact I think it’s foolish for anybody who expects to live much longer to get engaged, let alone marry, until the initial flame (i.e., infatuation) wears off, Scot makes a great point.
There’s a HUGE difference between being commitment phobia and commitment to the wrong person and/or under the wrong circumstances phobia.
To the point of wrong circumstances, I’ll add it’s false to assume a man is not interested in marrying even if he’s been dating you a long time and is not ready to marry.
Maybe his life itself is a work in progress and he wants to get some things sorted out before dragging you into it, just to cite one example among an infinite number of possibilities.
You hit the nail on the head in all points! Way to go &thats coming from an open minded woman’s perspective 🙂 My fiance’ is a perfect example of what many women would call a commitment-phobe. The last girl he dated was for 7, yes Seven, years.She griped about marriage and commitment and was quite jealous and insecure from what I gather. I’m naturally the opposite in those respects although I’m not perfect. He asked me to marry him within a year and a half 🙂
I’ve read enough of your posts and products to know that if there is a hesitancy to commitment, notwithstanding taking the proper time to get to know one another, it is likely a lacking in one of the ‘Big Four’ on either side of the line. Like you said, she could not be demonstrating trustworthiness. He could be lacking leadership by procrastinating in the name of comfort with the way things are.
I could write a book on this subject. Too many women are more interested in a guy committing than they are. The sorry fact is many women do not know the meaning of committment. They only want a guy to parade in a church in front of their friends and family so they can basicly say to everyone, see, “I managed to get this sap to marry me”. They are more in love with the idea of having a wedding than the hard work to make a marriage work. When the marriage becomes too much hard work for them they will be the first to bail out of the marriage. As for the sex, the sorry fact is, they use it as a tool to get some guy to marry them, after the wedding the sex will drop off to almost nothing or
nothing. Another sad part a woman will promise anything that she will do if they get married, after the wedding the promise is quickly forgotten. The guy will feel like he was tricked into marriage with her. I once let a woman pressure me into marrying her. She was not a good house keeper and sometimes not the most pleasant person to be around. After the wedding the house keeping got very bad, I expect her to keep the house up while I was at work
supporting her because she did not work. She always had some excuse for not getting a job to make ends meet. She always complain that there wasn’t enogh money to do things. The sex drop to almost nothing, the only reason is wasn’t nothing was because I complin very loudly to her about it. As for her pleasantness that went out the window also. I once had another woman who wanted me to marry her. I did not want to because she made me feel not acceptable at times. What she would want is to tell me how to dress, how to act and how to talk. I never felt she accepted me for me as I am. I would have married this woman if she had accept me as me, she was a barrel of fun to be around. A woman wants a
guy to be forgiving of her faults, but is she forgiving of his faults, NO FUCKING WAY IN HELL. Another bad thing with women, they will always remember what you did not or forget to do for them, BUT, they NEVER ever remember what nice things you do or have done for them. There has been many a times I think why the hell should I even bother with a woman because of her bull shit, a whore would be a lot cheaper and a whole lot less trouble. Maybe I had better stop this because I am beginning to talk myself out of reading your posts and wanting to get involved women again. I have often said this about women, if they were half as smart as they thought they were, we men would be the sex objects wearing the frilly clothes
Will
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I thoroughly agree with the article, but there ARE commitment phobic men out there. I’ve been seeing one for 18 months and he’s absolutely adorable, the most wonderful, romantic man I’v ever met.
How do I know he’s a commitmentphobe? He’s in his early 60s, he’s never been married and has the ability to hold women in perpetual girlfriend status for years, even decades. Of course I had to find out what that’s about. I did.
4 months into WOW, he broke up with me, complete with 3 hour good-bye kiss. 3 weeks later we were seeing each other again. I had already begun dating others, and I have continued dating.
The push/pull behavior, playing me as if he’s trying to set the hook in a big ol’ rainbow trout doesn’t work so well when I have other options. No, I don’t rub his nose in it, but I don’t hide and sneak when I date. It’s a small town. He gets quite spun out about it. He tried to make me jealous by pretending he was seeing someone else. He didn’t get the reaction he wanted.
I have not asked for a commitment, not even hinted. He’s brought up “The Talk.” I refuse. The man is capable of deep intimacy and he’s talked about his fear of failure in a relationship. If he ever overcomes his fears and asks me to marry him, and I’m not holding my breath on that, I would say yes.
In spite of him not being reliable committed romantic relationship material, I trust and respect him as a man, a friend and a neighbor. When I do find a man I wish to make a commitment with, I won’t be giving up this friendship.
Awesome. The nail has been smashed on the head with those points and tough love is always appreciated whether it’s for men or women.
@Flower I use the phrase “feminine gifts” to mean that which ignites masculinity. Joy, fun, playfulness, hospitality, comfort, nurturing, supportiveness to name several examples. I personally believe they can be intangible (e.g. “feminine energy”) or tangible.
@DSDF That’s a solid point about needing to get life circumstances sorted. The only thing is that I would imagine that kind of thing wouldn’t (or at least shouldn’t) be a mystery to the woman who’s otherwise waiting on a ring. That would be something they’d hopefully be able to discuss openly. “Commitment Phobia” is usually suspected when the guy seems to be holding off for no particular objective reason.
@Jeff I would think that’s because he doesn’t want to marry her. The key differences between women men don’t want to marry and oncs they do are the two I outlined above, no?
@Will Interestingly enough, I just mentioned in an interview yesterday how some women are apparently more interested in the wedding than they are the marriage.
I think we guys are quite easy to please on this front. The de facto “omg well done I’m soo proud of you” with a big enthusiastic hug is a big ego lift for any guy who’s just accomplished something- big or small (atleast in my perspective). I would even propose that men who are more successful in life have a woman who appreciates their ability to provide, protect and chase ambitions. Its almost a pavlovian response, insofar that being ‘rewarded’ with kisses, cuddles, sex and general encouragement makes guys want to achieve more of their goals in order to get the next batch of lovey-doveyness. Being single right now, I have to drive myself to succeed without that feminine support role in my life (except maybe my mum lol). As far as specific examples of feminine gifts, I would suggest anything that communicates “I’m so happy to have a strong masculine man like you in my life, so I’m gonna be real sweet to you because you make it okay for me to be feminine.” When a girl gives a guy the gift of femininity, it re-affirms his own masculinity imo
@Will maybe its this air of negativity towards women thats getting them to treat you so bad. Some women are bitches and some men are pricks, but set aside that minority and there are loads of women who would reciprocate a more positive mindset. Just my opinion I’m not the dating coach here lol.
@Tom I was thinking the same thing about his comment!
Yes, Scot, communication is the other half of the jigsaw puzzle left out in my comment.
Also, I know many people who have been in very good, long-term committed relationships without any desire — or even an outright aversion — to marriage. The latter tend to be among those whose first marriages didn’t turn out too well, and have a “been there, done that” attitude.
Will makes a great point at the opening about the difference between commitment and desire to marry. And the sense of a disparity between these in someone who is pushing for marriage, kids, and such is about as big a red flag as there can be.
Hey Scot,
I am a divorced woman with 3 kids, a lovely home, lots of friends, I own my own business, and I have a bit of money in the bank. All I need is a nice man to love me and receive love from me. All he has to do is want to be part of a wonderful family and circle of friends where he would be respected and admired. Sounds easy enough, right? I understand all about feminine energy and masculine energy. I assure you I am very feminine. I would love to meet a man who isn’t afraid of commitment with a woman who could offer him endless praise and encouragement, along with a magnificent sex life. I am fun and smart. I have been told I am very pretty, sensual, and have a great body. Where are the great guys?
Kate,
I believe that you are the kind of woman a good man would commit to. I wish you well!
Right on Bert! 🙂
I love how men can be brilliant at getting right to the point. Bert’s sweet and succinct response is a perfect example of what I’m talking about. Enough said!
@Kate
I got into this threat late, I’m new at this site. I get very poor advice on how women think. My dad for example, says successful women want the men to have all sorts of money to take care of them. Yet, what I read and hear from successful women are not true for the most part. That is not to say, a woman is looking for a bum…lol But I think the reason why your having trouble along with other successful women when it comes to a great guy finding you, to spend your life with along with the rest of your family is because of the lack of communication, and understanding when it comes to connecting with the opposite sex. I’ll bet that if many good guys get to know you, you would get so many proposals because what you say is that simple, people just make it more complex that it really is.
“Where are the great guys?”
Very simple great and smart guys don’t want to commit anymore.
With a 50% divorce rate marrying is way to risky financially for a man. What a man gets after a divorce ? Reduced assets, income, and seeing his children less.
One a man is divorced with reduced income which woman will want do date him ? Almost none as divorce also destroys the emotional life of a man.
2. “Sex should be a MUTUAL benefit, as opposed to a “reward” to a man in return for giving a woman whatever else she wants.”
Actually, it should be a gift that the MAN gives to the WOMAN for being a “good girl” and giving the man attention. This is where most guys get it wrong: they see sex as a reward and attention as the way to get it. Whereas you should learn how to give GOOD sex (that all women crave) and give it to the woman you see fit as a reward when they do something nice to you.
Marriage is
1. A horrible institution that is against both the evolutionary psychology on man and the Bible. Jesus himself renounces it as “not suitable for everyone” in Matthew chapter 19.
and
2. Hideously expensive mentally and financially compared to the benefits. You risk your independence and a lot of your possibilities in life when you undergo such a drastic change. If and when you happen to divorce you’ll lose most of your wealth and your self-esteem. And if you’re planning to make any “conditions” or agreements beforehand it just shows you don’t believe in the whole concept in the first place. It should be only used for raising children period.
@Ardiana
Not sure I see your logic in countering women seeing sex as their “reward” by turning it around in the opposite direction. I personally believe the “mutual benefit” idea is healthier than pronouncing sex as a “reward” given by anyone to anyone else.
As for marriage, I think you’ll be hard pressed to find someone in a happy marriage who agrees with you. But that’s the thing–the sheer number of unhappy ones tends to overshadow the strength of the happy ones.
And unfortunately, the resulting assumption that marriage is a negative often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.