Now, you see…before I even write a single word of this post, you’re probably already gearing up for the challenge of finding some OTHER dating coach to answer the questions I’m about to list, just because I said it can’t be done.
Well, so be it…but fair warning: once you see the list you might actually agree with me. That’s because the title of this post should probably have been, “5 Questions No Halfway Decent Dating Coach Should Presume To Be ABLE To Answer”.
But that’s too many words for a blog post title, really.
Never mind all that. Here’s the blasted list already.
Just to make it easier on everyone, I’m presenting the questions from the male perspective. Rest assured, however, that none of what we’ll discuss here today is gender-specific.
1) “Why Don’t Women Like Me?”
I get this one all the time…at least three or four times per week. Simply stated, unless I’m somehow able to stake you out in person and in real-time like a private investigator would, I have NO earthly idea why women don’t like you.
If you want, you can get on the phone with me. Better yet, send me a video of you out interacting with people socially. I just might be able to detect some things you can improve upon that way.
But I can’t answer a five-word e-mail like that and expect to do it any justice. There are just too many variables.
But if I DID answer it, my first two guesses would be it’s because you’re either creeping them out or coming off as neuter. Just sayin’…
2) “Why Did She Behave Irrationally?”
There’s a hard, fast rule when it comes to trying to rationalize the behavior of irrational people: You can’t.
Believe me when I tell you I’m the Grand Master of having tried and failed repeatedly at this.
As much as you’ve read about how women think and the established patterns of successful interactions with them, every one of them is an individual. It’s a dangerous thing to ever assume that EVERYONE (of either gender, frankly) will act or react in a certain, highly predictable way.
Now don’t get me wrong. If you’re talking about reasonable people of sound mind here, you can get darned close to predicting behavioral outcome pretty consistently.
But when they’re completely erratic? Forgettaboutit.
3) “What Did I Do Wrong?”
The story could be that the dude was out with a certain woman and out of nowhere she just went “cold” on him.
Or maybe he thought the date went well, but she never returned his calls afterward.
Sometimes, believe it or not, I get no details whatsoever.
But unless I get a LOT of detail, I really have no definitive way to answer the question.
Literally ANYTHING could have gone wrong. And face it, there are about 1000 things that CAN go wrong.
Here’s the clincher, though. It’s very possible the dude could have done NOTHING wrong. It could all be HER problem.
She could have a boyfriend and suddenly became overwhelmed with guilt.
She may have robbed a bank and gotten locked up between the first date and when he called her next.
She may have talked herself into believing she either didn’t deserve him and/or he was just going to break her heart like the last guy did.
It could be ANYTHING.
4) “How Do I Get [Insert Specific Person’s Name Here] To Go Out With Me?”
One of the truths I figured out very early on in my coaching career was that I really, truly cannot coach a third party indirectly.
In other words, don’t expect to get on the phone and conspire with me about how to affect change in someone else.
Everyone has free will, and ultimately they’re going to do what they want to do.
Granted, I’m nothing short of a miracle worker when it comes to helping people become more attractive to MOTOS (members of the opposite sex).
And yes, I might even be able to decode some of the messages you’ve been getting from the woman who you’ve got your eye on.
Generally speaking, yes…I can maximize your chances.
But I can’t MAKE anyone do anything.
5) “What Should My World View Be?”
This, perhaps, is the question that shocks me the most. I literally get my fair share of questions from people asking me what I think their belief system should look like.
I can never really be sure whether to take the question at face value, or instead simply read it as a hopeful request for me to validate what they THINK they already believe.
Either way, the bottom line is this: You’ve got to decide for yourself what you believe about life, love, the world and everything beyond it. Otherwise, it’s just not going to be genuine.
And if it’s not genuine, it’s not going to help you build real, authentic CHARACTER that’s attractive.
Now, before you pass it off as preposterous that anyone would ask me such a thing, consider this. The VAST MAJORITY of people really haven’t actually decided for themselves what they believe.
Rather, they fall into the system that they’re born into and never question it. Either that or they’re discouraged from asking questions due to social pressure.
I’m honored when people tell me they admire how Emily and I focus on having a cornerstone belief system to build character upon. I fully understand that not many other dating and relationship coaches underscore that.
But seriously…only you can figure out what “truth” means for you, and what principles will guide you in pursuing it.
So what do you think? Am I being too conservative in pronouncing these questions “unanswerable”? Do you think there are some ninja answers for one or more of these that could be 99.9% correct almost every time?
And while you’re at it, do you have any other examples of questions that probably can’t (or shouldn’t) be answered? If you’ve got some, let’s play “stump the dating coach” and see…
Be Good,
Scot McKay
I love everything I read of yours! Character, polarity, integrity – ahhh, beautiful! Wise, every time! Alice
Thanks, Alice. I’m glad you are enjoying.
Out of all the gurus out there I think you Scott make the most sense. I also like how you don’t encourage sneaky behaviour or learning party tricks but instead developing a character of integrity. Thanks for what you do man
You’re quite welcome. Rock on!
Hi.
Just a couple of thoughts.
I came to realise many years ago that you can’t ‘make’ someone like you.
What you can do though is put someone off you who does maybe like you in the beginning but, by behaving like a dipstick because you, knowing she likes you, & you just take it for granted, you suddenly turn into exactly the kind of guy ( like all the others!!)she doesn’t want to be with!
Be cool !!
You would think that would be true, right? Unfortunately, however, I’ve seen some people continue to pretty much worship someone who not only has zero interest but treats him or her poorly as well.
I think the answer to the first one is “because you want women to like you.” That messes me up every time.
Well, we all want women to like us, right? The problems start when we’re needy as opposed to perceiving ourselves as having options.
Still, there are MANY other ways to turn women off.
Re ‘There’s a hard, fast rule when it comes to trying to rationalize the behavior of irrational people: You can’t.’
Well said. As someone who has a long history of mental health problems (read: whole life, pretty much), many have tried to question or figure out why I may think or not think certain ways.
A family member says it this way: There is no reason to stress, worry or even bother trying to understand it, because YOU think rationally about [x,y,z]. So how could you figure out the irrational thinking ?
That isn’t exact words, but it is similar to what you said, and that is exactly it. It isn’t only for mental health, it is for anything. If you are 100% sure someone is being irrational and you are 100% rational, you won’t be able to understand it. How could you?
Um..what kind of woman should I marry?
Is another one
Actually, I can answer that one:
http://archive.aweber.com/emily/LAjZw/h/_X_Y_Emily_The_Big_Four_Traits.htm
Usually the main reason I’m not interested in a man is his personality is cheesy and/or lack of depth
I totally get why Adam Gilad nicknamed you captain America dude marvelous.
Ha…yes. Adam’s a good guy. I had dinner with him last night, actually.
For a lot of the questions I know you can answer because I can and I am not that good at teaching people how to date but when I was messing up with a girl I Asked myshelf the first 3 questions the other 2 before I started if I knew the girl before we started dating. If you know enough about the person who asked those questions you can give pretty accurate answer sure if they just ask but don’t tell you anything else they are unanswerable. Those number 4 and 5 they need to answer themshelves without any outside help.
Yes, certainly. If I’m able to observe in person or even via video I can get a lot more insight into it. But when the simple question is asked in an e-mail there’s not a reasonable way to provide a real, meaningful answer.
First, Scot, you rock dude. I really admire you for spreading your message, WHICH I FEEL IS IMPORTANT for people to hear/read/whatever. There is a plethora of so-called “dating coaches” out there who will never give it to you straight: be the best person you can be, deserve what you want, and you’ll be a HELLUVA lot more likely to GET what you want. TRUTH.
Second, my attempt to “stump the dating coach” follows:
I suppose most of your questions above can be answered, given enough background information/context. So, falling in line with that – Is my girlfriend cheating on me? :P.
You’ve given me nothing to go on, but I can actually answer that one.
Time and again, I’ve observed that when people who are typically of a reasonable, sound mind and not pathologically jealous suspect their significant other is cheating, they’re usually right.
Here’s some more illuminating info on cheating:
http://ezinearticles.com/?Infidels-And-The-Cheaters-Who-Love-Them&id=250310
Also, what do you tell these people when they ask you such questions?
I’d probably go with something like this:
“42, but you asked the wrong question.”
Its awsome! but I gotta question? U mention to hit U up with another one, if I can find one out, so here it is… If U planning to marry some one, how do U know, she’s “The ONE”?! and when U do, how U know the best time to do it???
Thanx.
I can answer that one also:
http://ezinearticles.com/?How-Do-You-Know-When-Its-Time-To-Get-Married?&id=299653
Numbers 1,3, and 4 basically come down to the impossibility of giving a good answer with insufficient information to go on.
You hit the nail on the head regarding the futility of explaining irrationality in rational terms, which reminds me of what Carl Sagan said about it the futility of attempts to reason somebody out of points of view that weren’t based on reason in the first place.
As for the last one, is this for real? As I see it one of the key markers of being a person who has it together is to be true to YOUR core principles — which I find among the best people includes being open-minded toward the points of view of others, unless their points of view are based on closed-mindedness and bigotry.
As for me, I don’t believe in anything. I consider the truth or falsehood and qualities of things based on my observations and the evidence I see.
Nothing to do with “belief,” which is too often spun to justify closed-mindedness and bigotry. Not to be confused with faith, which is a different thing, as in faith in a person you trust or faith in your abilities.