More On “Reverse One-Itis” And Falling In Love Too Fast

Posted on March 4, 2008
Filed Under Letters From Readers, Men Attracting Women, Newsletter Follow-Up, Relationship Management, Women Attracting Men |

If you receive the X & Y Communications newsletter, you just read my answer to a man who has a woman in his life who is expressing clear emotional attachment early on in the non-exclusive relationship.

If you don’t receive the X & Y Communications newsletter, that problem can be cured by using the form of a the top of the right-hand column over there. –>

As promised, here is another similar question from Sander in Atlanta (which if you’re from Boston, rhymes.) This time, there’s the added complication of him wondering how not to fall into a similar situation himself.

Read on…

—–Original Message—–
From: WITHHELD@bellsouth.net [mailto:WITHHELD@bellsouth.net]
Sent: Friday, February 29, 2008 5:02 PM
To: questions@xandycommunications.net
Subject:

Scot,

I want to thank you for your super clear and ultra practical advice for men. It is really refreshing and down to earth. Thanks.

Scot, I would like your viewpoint on the psychology and the healthy perspective for a man, who hadn’t really dated so many women at once, all of a sudden getting multiple offers and is not quite sure on how to deal with these emotionally.

In other words, what kind of perspectives and reasoning should I be having and looking at this?

How do I not get them to not fall in love?

How do I not fall in love?

Is there a way for this to be enjoyable for all?

I don’t care for being a ‘player’,but I love women’s company.

In other words, it’s all about emotional attachment I think, and what kind of levles there may have to be to do this and still have fun and feel good about experiencing it.

I am a bit more savvy that I describe here, but I am in these somewhat early stages and honestly have not finalized and ingrained a certain ‘Playboy’ mindset yet.

It’s true that I’m sought after by women, Scot. But I have, I guess, an image of myself that’s not yet handling all this attention well.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this.

Thanks in advance for all your help, Scot.

Sincerely,

Sander (Atlanta, GA)

Well, Sander, this is all about being COMPLETELY TRANSPARENT with women about what your intentions are and what the design of your ideal dating life looks like.

For example, if you are interested in dating several women at once to help you sort out what it is you want in a woman, you TELL WOMEN THAT. And then, as a masculine man who is true to his character, you stick to your guns.

If they fall in love, that’s beyond your control. But at that point you need to be compassionate enough to not string them along if they are not going to be “The One”.

Falling in love isn’t such a bad deal for you (contrary to what much of the Seduction Community would tell you), as long as you’ve been careful to not fall in love with someone toxic.

If you make such a decision, and do so from a position of STRENGTH (e.g. being a man with many options, who has enough experience dating numerous women to know exactly what he wants) then you’re basically in a position to have what most men truly want: A stable future with the greatest woman you’ve ever known.

“Wait”, I heard someone say. “Fall in love? A DECISION? But you can’t DECIDE who you fall in love with, can you? At least that’s what I’ve always heard.”

The foundation for making sure you do the right thing here is by DECIDING your absolute dealbreakers BEFORE you’ve met someone. You should have this list and check it twice. Then, you can know exactly when to end relationships before YOU get emotionally involved…and shouldn’t have.

That’s how YOU DECIDE who to fall in love with. It’s in your control.

It’s enjoyable for all when you are honest with everyone, and are a man who truly likes having women around for reasons other than sex. This is actually the third e-mail in a row I’ve answered on this particular theme…strange.

Not really my style to make direct sales pitches in my e-mail answers, but “How To Manage Your Wildly Successful Dating Life” would be the best $20 you ever spent. I literally talk about EXACTLY what you are facing in that book. It’s like it was written for you.

Actually, the free month of Power Sessions would be a good deal for you also because I’m talking about phone and texting, which is PARAMOUNT to get right when you are living the life you are talking about.

www.wildsuccess.net if that sounds good, or you can get it from the store.

Cheers,

Scot McKay

=====

OK, here’s a SURPRISE BONUS…yet A THIRD e-mail on dating multiple women and how to tell them so, from just this afternoon:

—–Original Message—–
From: Danny [mailto:WITHELD@yahoo.com]
Sent: Monday, March 03, 2008 1:40 PM
To: info@xandycommunications.net
Subject: dating several women

Hey scot, i am writing to you at the moment in a really good mood. but i really need your advice. things are going really well at the moment, the girl i met the other week, we went on a 2nd date and had a good time, she brought some friends along (my guess was to check if i was ok) and they seemed to be helping the interaction along. long story.

so that was great and i am hoping to see her again soon. yesterday morning on the train i managed to meet and get the number of a girl who is a professional dancer and a bar chick at one of Sydney’s highest quality bars, where all the beautiful people go, and the even more beautiful people work. so i will be trying to set something up with her, on the train on the way home yesterday i also met this really attractive American women, will try to organise something with her too.

my question to you is how and when do i disclose to these women that i am seeing multiple women? i never ever thought I’d get to this situation, i just didn’t think it possible. also i have noticed that my standards have increased. i used to approach the average women cause i believed the really attractive ones out of my league, however now i realise attractiveness is just genetics, i do (like every other guy) enjoy looking at a beautiful woman, but i can now meet them and treat them like every other woman.

And i believe i have finally worked out “igniting femininity” with this Laos girl. it always seemed a bit of an arbitrary concept, but i believe i have cracked it… or at least scratched the surface.

massive thanks.

Danny (Sydney, Australia)

Hey Danny.

OK, now you’re on to How To Manage Your Wildly Successful Dating Life stuff.

Ironically, I answered the exact same question from another VIRTUOSITY guy in Australia yesterday morning.

This is a very simple answer: You are honest about it.

You tell women you aren’t interested in settling down into an exclusive relationship yet and that you take such things very, very seriously. You are interested in finding out exactly what you want from a woman.

Now, it’s critical to remember that most women will tell you they “hate competition” (and they do) and some will even tell you they are walking away.

You must let them walk if they so choose. You either get to date as many women as you want, or you get to give in to the one who gets you to commit to her. It’s one or the other. If you tried “both” you would be just a common cheater (which you aren’t, I don’t think) and the house of cards will crumble sooner than later.

But here’s the thing. If you are calm, cool and collected about wishing them well if they cannot handle the fact that you are not exclusive (especially after very few dates and little time knowing each other), then you may be in for the shock of your life. Probably over 50% of the time these women will call you back in a few days, more willing to see things your way.

Great men are hard to find, and you’re one of them. They understand you aren’t so easy to catch, and they’re going to see you as worth the effort.

BTW, this is when you start building a “harem” of women who are loyal to you even as you date them all. This isn’t something you ask for, it’s simply a by product of being worth competing for in the minds of women.

And hey, if one of them “wins”, so be it. Emily caused me to have no need for the other women in my life, and I still feel that way. That’s called making an “educated decision” when it comes to a long-term relationship

Be Good,

Scot

P.S. Congrats on getting how to “ignite femininity”. It’s disarmingly NOT complex, right? Wait until you start understanding what women want better. That’s when the true illumination happens…and it’s amazing.

=====

And here’s follow up from later this afternoon…

—–Original Message—–
From: Dave W [mailto:wedgetaileagle@yahoo.com]
Sent: Monday, March 03, 2008 2:03 PM
To: info@xandycommunications.net
Subject: RE: RE: dating several women

ok, so when would be the best time? when i first meet them and get their number, after the first date? after a couple of dates? also how should i go about saying it, i honestly cannot come up with any way of saying it, my first thought would be to be sitting with her and say “just so i am not stringing you on, i am not after a monogamous relationship” but i don’t know how that will go down. how have you done it in the past. i know learning scripts aren’t good, but if you could tell me how you did it i can get the gist of what you’re saying and modify it for my own uses

D

There is no set time and set script for this. You just have to go with the flow.

I mean, it’s downright arrogant to say to her early on, “Hey babe, I know you are totally into me here and all, but don’t get any ideas…I’m not into an exclusive relationship.” She’ll be like, “In your DREAMS anyway, bonehead.”

Then again, if she’s CLEARLY all over you and wanting you to make her your girlfriend, yet you duck the issue, you’re a weakling (at best) and downright disingenuous (at worst).

Ask her what she wants out of a relationship on the second or third date, and then share your opinions after she shares hers. If she says, “I definitely don’t want anything serious”, then tell her that’s cool and maybe even tell her you’ll take her at her word on that…but still keep a close watch. Many women are rightly guarded about telling men they want serious relationships early on.

Avoid the word “monogamous”. That’s implies sexuality for some odd reason, whereas “exclusivity” seems not to, necessarily. If you say you’re not “monogamous”, what she’ll hear is that your banging several women at once.

If women you are not interested in an exclusive relationship with press you too hard and/or seem too emotionally involved, let them walk. If the one who presses too hard comes back several days later seeing things your way, then so be it.

But when they are too emotionally involved and you don’t have any interest in them long term, you must let them go on to another man who will appreciate them more in the way they desire to be appreciated. And someone will.

Be Good,

Scot

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• Scot McKay is a professional dating coach and founder of X & Y Communications.

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