Scot McKay – Page 3 – The Official Blog Of Scot McKay

Pushing Each Other’s “Hot Buttons”

The Big Red Monster We’re all familiar with the whole concept behind “hot buttons”. Usually, when the topic comes up in conversation it’s in the context of complete exasperation. Some people really just know how to set us off…and the craziest part is that it’s typically the people we know best.

If you grew up with siblings, that was likely your initiation into this whole reality…whether your buttons were being pressed or you were doing the pressing.

Personally, I was the oldest of three by five and seven years respectively. Geez, did my kid brother and sister ever know exactly how to make me mad.

And given the fact that they generally got away with their shenanigans while I got blamed for whatever mayhem ensued made things all that much worse for me and hilarious for them.

Yep…they knew exactly what buttons to push in order to get the desired (i.e. highly entertaining) results.

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Top 10 Songs That Are Guaranteed To Make Her Hot For You

This Is Only How It Starts... I was recently asked during a media interview what my favorite “love song” was.

My first “knee jerk” reaction was, well…NO reaction.

I mean, I’m a guy. Who asks a dude a question like that and expects an answer any different than, say, “Let’s Get Drunk And Screw” by Jimmy Buffett? I mean, it’s just begging for a sarcastic retort, at best.

But your boy–being the mature type such that I am–took the high road. I asked for a few seconds to think about my answer, and I gave one. It was a REAL good one, actually (see #1 below).

And the more I thought about it, the more I came to the realization that all of as guys really should give more thought to that question. It really is an excellent idea to have some really amazing “love songs” in mind…you know, should the need for one ever arise.

Here’s the thing though. I suspect that a lot of y’all are like me. You hear the term “love song” and immediately think of something sappy and wussified like “You’re Beautiful” by James Blunt or “She’s So High” by Tal Bachman.

Heck, even most of the old Motown classics like “Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch” and “Ain’t Too Proud To Beg” are lame because they’re needy as all get out (whatever that means).

But hold your horses, my brethren.

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Is It A Bad Thing For Couples To Argue?

Enjoy The Argument...Especially The Part Where You Make Up At The End If you’re like me, you’ve seen your fair share of couples talking on TV or whatever about how happily married they are.

Maybe they’ve been blissfully married 50 years, etc., etc.

Have you ever noticed how often they talk about how LITTLE they’ve argued over the years?

I mean, my own parents have rarely—if ever—argued with each other, at least in front of us, their offspring. And yes, they truly have been blissfully married for over 50 years.

I’ve really never met two people who agree on most everything the way they do.

For what it’s worth, the foundations of what I’ve learned about what a great relationship should look like were formed at a very young age. My parents have always been a shining example of that.

But hold on a second.

Despite the evidence I’ve seen at home and on TV, is how much or how little a couple argues really ALWAYS such an effective barometer of “relationship health” as we’ve blindly given it credit for being all these years?

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Adventures In Relationship Management

Don't Freak Out...It's Just A Lizard Today, with the long weekend approaching I wanted to take a break from the dating advice stuff per se and tell you what happened here at El Rancho McKay this morning.

As she often does, Emily held one of her now infamous “Estrogen Fests”.

Actually, they’re not really called that. That’s just what I refer to them as. The real name for the daytime version of such an event is a “Play Date”.

You see, Emily is the queen of the local MeetUp group for stay-at-home moms with pre-schoolers desperately in need for someone to play with. (I’ll let you decide for yourself whether it’s the pre-schoolers or the moms I’m referring to there.)

For what it’s worth, the nighttime version of the “Estrogen Fest” is called “Mom’s Night In”. The kids don’t show up for those.

One night I somehow got blindsided by a “MNI” and was therefore at home when the “festivities” started. As it so happened, I was booked as a guest on a national radio show that same night. During a commercial break, I conspired with all twenty or so young mommies to shout “hello” in unison to the show’s host right after we got back on the air.

I didn’t give details of how or why there was literally a crowd of women at my house on a Thursday night. The show’s host never asked. Beautiful.

Anyway…this morning’s edition was the “PD” version, of course.

I used to get the heck out of Dodge when these things were scheduled to happen at our house. But sooner than later, I decided I actually enjoyed the idea of a bunch of young women running around my house in the morning barefoot and giggling with each other.

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5 Questions That No Dating Coach Can Answer

There Are Some Questions I Really Can't--And Shouldn't--Answer
Now, you see…before I even write a single word of this post, you’re probably already gearing up for the challenge of finding some OTHER dating coach to answer the questions I’m about to list, just because I said it can’t be done.

Well, so be it…but fair warning: once you see the list you might actually agree with me. That’s because the title of this post should probably have been, “5 Questions No Halfway Decent Dating Coach Should Presume To Be ABLE To Answer”.

But that’s too many words for a blog post title, really.

Never mind all that. Here’s the blasted list already.

Just to make it easier on everyone, I’m presenting the questions from the male perspective. Rest assured, however, that none of what we’ll discuss here today is gender-specific.

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What The Heck Is A Man’s “Feminine Side”, Anyway?

What Does 'Getting In Touch With Your Feminine Side' Mean?
First of all, before we get into this you have to know how impossible it was to find a decent pic to go along with this post. Just about every potential image I initially thought would be clever turned out to be nothing short of creepy.

Maybe there’s no coincidence there. Perhaps talking about men as having a “feminine side” is inherently creepy to begin with, it’s just that nobody dares say anything because the idea of “getting in touch with one’s feminine side” has become such a cliché over the years.

And like most clichés, people tend to use that particular one conveniently when it seems to fit the situation…without really giving much thought to it.

But what in the world does it MEAN for a man to “get in touch with his feminine side”? And is it a good thing to do so? Geez…do we even HAVE a “feminine side”?

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Cheating Or Not: What Does “Being Faithful” Actually Mean?

How Do You Define Cheating? How come this topic hasn’t been discussed more frequently? I mean, there’s zero doubt that infidelity is a factor in countless broken relationships.

Perhaps we encounter so little elaboration on the subject because each of us believes we have a firm grasp of what it means to be “faithful” to a significant other.

But do we really? And what’s more, does our PARTNER believe the same way WE do? You just can’t make that assumption by default, or else serious trouble will be looming sooner than later.

Clearly, the key is open, honest communication early on.

So why do so many couples leave this topic “open ended”? The problem arises when neither partner wants to come off as overly jealous or insecure, or when one partner fears that opening such a “can of worms” will actually trigger jealousy in the other.

Nevertheless, if you care about a relationship, both of you have got to set expectations for yourself and for each other, and agree to them together.

Here are four particular areas that can help focus the somewhat nebulous topic of “fidelity”, making it easier to talk about and simpler to define.

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Are We Guys Really The “Commitment Phobes” Some Women Think We Are?

Are Men Afraid To Take The Plunge? Guys: Have you ever been in a relationship with a woman who, perhaps even subtly, is putting the pressure on you to marry her?

If the relationship had been going on for a matter of months (or even years) without you ever mentioning anything about “future plans”, let alone putting a ring on her finger, you may have been accused of being a “commitment phobe”.

Perhaps even MORE frustrating to women is when we as guys do talk about the possibility of getting married to them someday, but with a decidedly “open ended” twist to the conversation.

Maybe you’ve been there before. Heck, maybe you’re there right now.

So what’s the deal? Does she have a point? Are men naturally wired to be mortally afraid of getting into a committed relationship with a woman?

Let’s go ahead and open up that can of worms, because I’m not sure I’ve ever known anyone to have the guts to actually address this topic with some real truth.

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10 Simple Tests Of Whether You’re A Wimp Or Not

By now you know all too well that being a “wuss” is not attractive to women at all.

The very essence of what ignites femininity is directly tied to facing fear with courage, coming up with a plan when crisis hits and being a protector when danger and uncertainty loom.

And, well…you just can’t be ANY of those things if you’re a “scaredy-cat”, now can you?

Most of us will never be faced with storming Bin Laden’s camp in Pakistan, landing an airliner in the Hudson River or fending off a pack of wild tigers in the Sri Lankan jungle.

That’s all well and good, but you WILL need to be able to get through normal, everyday life in post-modern culture.

For better or worse, life in that context really does present nearly constant challenges to “man up”…even if they’re small or even subtle ones.

Nevertheless, you can bet your bottom dollar that women are watching.

With that in mind, I hereby present to you ten very basic, simple tests to tell with almost 100% certainty what kind of man you are.

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The Weird Pattern To Questions We Get

Given what Emily and I do for a living, as you imagine we’ve probably heard just about everything.

And truly, there’s no limit to the potential topics of discussion when it comes to matters of men relating to women and vice-versa.

Maybe that’s why it’s so blasted curious to me that about a quarter to a third of the questions we get follow a certain pattern.

It’s a very definable one, too. Here are just a few examples. See if you can pick up on what I’m talking about:

“Hey Scot, lately I’ve been completely unmotivated and even scared to ask a few women out. Yet they seem to flirt with me all the time. Should I man up and flirt back, or am I doomed to never having a girlfriend? Thanks, man.”

“Yo man, whenever I meet girls I try to ‘escalate’ as quickly as possible so I can ‘get the lay’. But the same thing always happens—they always tell me I’m a little too ‘intense’ for them and that they don’t want to go out with me. Should I stop pushing for sex so soon?”

And then there’s this sort of thing…which is way, way too common:

“Hello Scot and Emily. I live with my boyfriend, but he leaves me alone for most of the night and when he comes home drunk beats the heck out of me. He doesn’t have a job and spends most of what little I make on cocaine and gambling. Oh, and he slaps my two children around also and calls them names. Should I marry him?”

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Three Little Words (No…Not THOSE Three Little Words)

It was my oldest daughter who started it.

Back when she was about two she started saying, “I like you” to me.

Of course, we told her we loved her all the time.

But she was the one to take the initiative to take things a step further. Even though she was so young, she recognized that saying “I like you” is different than saying “I love you”.

Upon first consideration, you may perhaps think of “I like you” as somehow junior to its heavier “I love you” relative.

Indeed, many of us think of—and even joke about—“I like you” as kind of “ILY Lite”, possibly reserved for when someone we’re dating drops the “ILY” bomb on us before we’re exactly willing or ready to reciprocate.

Her: “I love you.”

Him: “Uh…I, um…LIKE you too.”

While I fully get the dynamics of such an unfortunate conversation, I think it’s a mistake to automatically relegate “I like you” to the realm of the relatively trivial.

That’s because when used effectively, the phrase can convey as much, if not MORE power than “I love you” can.

Even at age two, my daughter realized that.

The secret to making “I like you” count is using it proactively instead of reactively.

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How To Reconcile With Your Dad (And Why You Should Bother To)

The more guys I talk to the more it really hits home how many dudes out there really have a hard time relating to their dads.

And by “relating” I mean either identifying with OR communicating with…and in a multitude of cases BOTH.

For so many, the old adage that “you’ll end up just like your parents some day” seems more of a threat than a promise.

That’s too bad.

In a world where over 50% off all guys report having NO male role model to speak of, fewer and fewer men can honestly say they look up to their father in that regard…obviously.

Honestly, a huge number of boys grow up without a father figure in their life at all. So obviously, if there IS no dad it’s impossible to “relate” to him.

But even when you know exactly who your father is and where to find him, the relationship can go awry.

Never mind the fact that the father’s role in child development has been marginalized nowadays, leaving many men convinced that their presence just doesn’t matter in their kids’ lives.

(Well, either that or it helps them justify their pure laziness and/or apathy towards their sons and daughters.)

Where the rubber often meets the road is that we as sons and daughters instinctively (as in “innately”) have high expectations for our dads.

We are born in need of a hero to look up to, but that isn’t always the reality.

Not every dad is Ward Cleaver.

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Thank You For Your Contribution To Limiting Global Population Growth

[Ed. Note: Fair warning, what you are about to read is a mostly
satirical piece. You’re going to need to activate your sense of
humor before proceeding.]

Hey you know, with the global population now estimated to be at
about six-and-a-half billion (and growing), it’s become critical
that we as a human race do SOMETHING to keep the population from
exploding at an even greater rate than it has been lately.

What with people living something like twice as long on average as
they did roughly a century ago, the need for this is even more
apparent…as anyone can plainly see.

The formula I propose goes something like this:

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It’s A Girl!

Sarah Victoria Annabelle McKay arrived on Monday, 12/19 at 9:50 pm CST. Both Emily and the baby are doing fine.

Here’s a pic of her when she’s literally less than 5 minutes old.

Turn OFF The Bright Lights...Geez!

Here’s another when she was a few hours old.

Zzzzz...

…And another taken just this afternoon.

Zzzzz... (redux)

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The Chick Whisperer #48 — Dating Again…For The Very First Time

Here we go again…it’s time for another episode of The world-famous Chick Whisperer podcast.

This one is called “Dating Again…For The Very First Time”, and my guest is none other than Bobby Rio from TSBmag.com. He’s a completely authentic, down-to-earth guy who I’ve hung out with in person and really like. That pretty much makes him the perfect cat for this particular show.

This show is specifically for you guys who are either young and just getting started out, coming off a long-term relationship and jumping back into the dating world or simply flat-out late to the party.

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About FHM’s New List Of The “100 Sexiest Women In The World”

FHM's List, Not Mine Several days ago FHM released their annual list of the women their editors consider to be the 100 sexiest on Earth.

The key words in that last sentence were “their editors consider”.

As is typically the case when FHM, Maxim and/or AskMen publish lists like this, the comments pour in by the bucketload…mostly from guys who are shocked and appalled by some of the choices. Invariably, they also have a few ideas of their own on who should have been included.

As for me? I pretty much take it for what it is–an opinion piece–and move on. I mean, this latest FHM list was released five days ago and I just now figured that out…accidentally.

But I do think there is one MAJOR takeaway available from lists like this: The truth is that even if some magazine considers a certain woman to be among the 100 hottest on Earth, there’s someone else out there who thinks she doesn’t deserve to be on the list.

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Women Really Are BORED…And They’re Waiting For YOU To Approach Them.

She's Bored To Tears...And We Hate When Women Cry, Huh? If you subscribe to my newsletter, which you should–especially if you’re a guy, then you probably caught my bit a week or so ago about how women are generally a lot more BORED on a regular basis than we think. Even the most attractive ones.

When you get right down to it, if and when you get over yourself and say hello to a woman you find attractive you’re very likely to find that she’s THRILLED you showed up. No kidding. She probably hasn’t had anything that exciting happen ALL DAY.

Still, a number of you chose to e-mail me with your doubts. In fact, enough of you still believe that every remotely attractive woman out there must be living like a “rock star” that I felt compelled to post a few of the responses to that newsletter that I got from various WOMEN who read it.

So that’s exactly what I’m about to do. Read ’em and weep…or be massively and powerfully encouraged. Your choice.

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The Chick Whisperer #42 — How To Make Women Laugh, And What To Do When They Cry

Man, if there’s anything that tends to completely vex guys all over the world, it’s got to be the whole concept of making women laugh.

Deep down, we know women find men with a sense of humor irresistible.

But wait a minute. Do we really have to actually make women bust their gut laughing all the time in order to come off as having a “sense of humor”?

That’s not only a really good question, it’s the question that my co-host Elaine Davis and I break down the answer to on this latest episode of The Chick Whisperer podcast.

If you don’t know Elaine, she happens to be the only dating coach I know of who’s also a professional stand-up comedian (as in, with paid gigs at places like The Laugh Factory in LA, and all that). Having heard so many stand up comics moan about their dating lives in their acts over the years–and suspecting it was all rooted in fact somewhere–I’ve been utterly fascinated by the apparent disconnect here.

I mean, which is it? Do funny guys attract women, or not?

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X & Y On The Fly #45 — Open Relationships

It’s true that I don’t blog much anymore at all, let alone every time a new podcast episode hits the street.

But this particular newly-released episode of X & Y On The Fly probably is going to raise some eyebrows, so I figured I’d give you a bit of an idea of what to expect.

You see, here’s the deal. Emily and I are–and always will be for the foreseeable future–completely monogamous. And we like it that way.

As such, it’s it might not surprise you that the whole idea of “open relationships” is one of the very few major headings in the world of dating and relationships that had been conspicuous by its absence from our discussions thus far.

But still, it’s sort of like an “elephant in the room”, isn’t it?

Well, rest assured that Emily and I have been kicking around the idea of doing an X & Y On The Fly show on the subject for quite sometime. And now, for your listening pleasure, we’ve actually gone and recorded one.

To subscribe and listen, you need look no further than iTunes:

Subscribe On iTunes Now

Or if you prefer, you can go straight to the RSS feed:

Subscribe Via RSS Feed

I have to tell you, this may be the very first (and last) time you hear a monogamous couple broach this subject publicly, which is actually a shame. Sort of like how I believe one’s core world view shouldn’t be decided by “accident of birth” but rather by personal choice, how one structures one’s romantic relationships should be decided much in the same way.

Let’s face it. It’s a fear-based reaction to try to prohibit someone who you’d like to believe the way you do from reading literature that conflicts with it, yet that’s what parents and shortsighted faith-based institutions do all the time.

Bummer. Because if you want to be a stronger follower of [insert world view of choice here] instead of a “yes man”, then you should know why you don’t believe in something else.

Here in the US, at least, the core concept of getting married to one other person has pretty much been the de facto standard for, well, ever. We get that this “cultural meme” is pretty much forced on us.

So rest assured you can bet that Emily and I also completely get it if you’re not so interested in “your father’s Oldsmobile”. We understand if you think socialized monogamy is only for the faint of heart and is probably largely responsible for all the cheating and divorce that goes on in these parts.

But here’s the thing. We’ve indeed read and heard all about open relationships…including The Lifestyle, “circles”, even the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy of the rich and famous.

And we’ve still made the choice to be a couple, as in two people together. It’s an informed choice. We’re neither “trapped” nor in “possession” of one another, it’s just that we love each other wildly and wholeheartedly believe in the “one man/one woman” arrangement.

So YES…as you listen to this podcast, you can plan on hearing some very honest musings with regard to all kinds of open relationships. We’ll talk about the pros and cons, and we’ll do so without judgment.

But we’re not pretending to be “experts” on the subject, nor do we have time to cover every single nuance of every single angle. So be sure to cut us a break here. Perhaps more than any other show we’ve ever done, this one is more of a pure social discussion than a “teaching tool”.

In other words, that’s all long for “sit back, relax and enjoy.”

Be Good,

Scot

P.S. By the way, if you get the show on iTunes and you really like it, please be sure to leave us a review. And tell a friend or three. Much obliged.