Go ahead. Say the first part of the subject line out loud. Do it briskly enough so you can hear what’s REALLY being said.
In other words, don’t give it a half-fast effort.
So gentlemen, what does a clever motorsports phrase like that have to do with women?
Well, I’m about to pull the blanket off of one of The Most Interesting Man’s more infamous pronouncements: “I assure you, most women would not consider speed a virtue.”
Now, while I wholeheartedly agree with that statement in context (speed dating)—as well as in the bedroom and during the whole seduction “dance”, for example—I’m convinced that there are absolutely other times where if you’re slow on the draw you’re going to LOSE, big time.
Here are my five (and a half) situations where you’d better be fast, lest you be half-fast:
1. When you see a woman you’ve never met who you’d like to approach
Pick-up artists famously refer to this concept as the “Three Second Rule”, and I couldn’t agree with it more.
Simply stated, the longer you thumb wrestle with your imagination over whether or not you should go talk to an attractive woman, the greater the likelihood that you’re going to WIMP OUT.
Hyper-intelligent, left-brained guys who tend to analyze anything and everything to the point of logical oblivion are particularly notorious for being mortified at the thought of approaching a woman.
If you happen to be one of those guys, you should limit your internal civil war to a mere three-seconds instead, which is only slightly longer than it takes the synapses in your mind to register “female hotness”, yet slightly LESS time than necessary for your amygdala to process the self-perceived mortal ramifications of that.
For what it’s worth, the same rule applies to bunji jumping. The longer you stand on the platform, the worse it’s going to get for you.
2. Making a move when she gives you “permission signals”
If a woman is issuing unmistakable hints that you need to kiss her, already, then you’d surely better not delay making a bold move.
To clarify, “fast” may be a relative state in this particular scenario. After all, a slight amount of lead time for teasing and ramping up delicious sexual tension might serve you well.
But even then, you’re talking about five minutes to a half-hour MAX. You can NEVER, EVER leave a sexually excited woman hanging until the next time you see her.
Tickle-fests, pillow fights, undone bras in the middle of “back rubs” and even Pulp Fictionian “foot massages” all count as physical “permission signals”. You are assured a clear path to touching her in the same way she touches you, and/or where she’s physically inviting you to.
If you don’t kiss the girl when both of you should instinctively know it’s time, she may have to haul off and drop the “smart bomb”: “How long are you going to make me wait, big guy?”
Now if you hear that “mating call” in the wild, you’d better answer to it in a jiffy. Either that, or the next sound you hear might be your front door slamming in anger.
3. Moving her OFF the dating site and onto the phone
You know me by now. I had so slip an online dating reference in here somewhere.
But yeah…the most “half-fast” mistake guys make online is to keep e-mailing women back and forth ad nauseam, with no end in sight.
As I’ve said before, “online dating” is not to be confused with “dating online”. The point is to actually MEET women, not become their intergalactic pen pals.
And what’s arguably even worse than “talkmatching” each other into submission? That’s an easy one…actually getting her number, only to start TEXTING her instead of actually calling her. I see guys doing that all the time. What have you actually gained there? You’re still typing.
The bottom line is this: When two people are actually interested in each other AND they have nothing to hide, they gladly move the process along. If a woman pushes back when you suggest a phone call or face-to-face meeting, go ahead and call her out on the strong possibility that she’s not who she’s representing herself to be.
You’re welcome to blame any ensuing awkwardness on me, McKay. Feel free. Oh, and by the way…have that little “talk” sometime BEFORE you Paypal her $1000 because she’s “stranded at a beauty contest in Nigeria.”
4. When a woman you like finally breaks up with a boyfriend
Back when I was in college there was this little transfer-student chick who hit campus in September and pretty much cashed in my one-itis chips on the spot. The problem was that there had been an orientation weekend before the rest of us got there, and some dude working it sort of, well…worked it.
Holy mama. Those two were already joined at the hip by the first day of classes. That’s dirty pool, man. (Well, either that or perhaps there’s actually speed situation #4 ½: “Act fast instead of half-fast when a new hottie hits your social circle”.)
Whatever. I had to wait until freaking February for those two to split up.
But I’ll tell you what. The very moment I saw her alone I was talking to her three seconds later. (See what I did there?)
I kept getting dirty looks from dudes I didn’t even know for WEEKS after that victorious moment.
Perhaps not coincidentally, exactly eleven months later some other guy performed the SAME MOVE the morning after I had broken up with her on the phone in a momentary fit of immature insanity. The new guy was faster than my half-fast apology, for sure.
They got married and are still together to this day. I wonder…was she EVER at any time in her life without a boyfriend for more than 24 hours?
5. Whenever you’ve “lost a point”
Emily loves to tell the story of when we first met at the IHOP on 1604 and 281 here in San Antonio (at precisely 8am on Saturday, February 11th 2006). Weirdly, her favorite part tends to be when she “lost a point”.
Weighing in at about 109 pounds, Emily ordered whatever they’ve got that’s the functional equivalent to Denny’s “Mega Super Grand Slam Smorgasbord For Four”.
I was floored. Unable to restrain myself, I wondered aloud how she could eat like a “Hoover sister” and still look so, well…you know…good.
“Oh, it’s okay,” she casually replied in that cute voice of hers that I already loved. “I can eat however much of whatever I want and never gain an ounce.”
Such a breakfast as hers would have had to have come with a warning label and a side of Lipitor were I to attempt to consume it. In my mind the words “country” and “breakfast” juxtaposed together were (and still are) every bit as fearsome as “IRS” and “audit”.
I instinctively switched into Double Your Dating autopilot mode.
“That’s it. You’ve lost a point.”
She giggled in delight, thinking that was hysterical. The DYD autopilot’s idiot light reading “She loves you” lit up like a Christmas tree.
I found out that morning that Emily’s favorite meal of the day is breakfast. Well, that and she had much nicer boobies than she ever let on in her Match.com pictures. Two points were scored there.
What do you know? I apparently love to tell that story too. But I digress…
The real point here is that if you EVER find yourself in an awkward or regretful situation with a woman, seek to MAKE IT RIGHT immediately.
You may be thinking, “Well, duh.” But no kidding, I can’t believe how many guys would ostensibly rather stick their heads in the sand, if not summarily run away and hide.
If you’re lacking courage and she’s rolling her eyes at you, reach down and find your stones.
If you blurted out something mean to her, man up and admit you were wrong. Be the first to diffuse any hardcore negative emotions and apologize. For what it’s worth, apologies are only weak and wimpy when you DIDN’T do anything wrong. If you legitimately owe someone an apology, the real man in you will deliver accordingly.
The only alternative to making things right is letting her attraction toward you sprout wings and fly away. Know this: The breach won’t “disappear with time”.
All things considered, I’m reasonably sure the Dos Equis guy would agree 100% with my exceptions to his guideline.
But what do you think? Am I on point or completely off base here?
And what’s more, did I leave out any other valid reasons to feel the need for speed?
Let me know what you think by leaving a comment below. It can be quick, just as long as it’s not “half-fast”.