It’s such a shame, really. Sometime back in the pickup artist era it was decided that whenever women casually bring up sex during first date conversation—or friendly chit-chat, even—it must be some sort of “test”.
The assumption there is she’s evaluating how we deal with the “hot potato” she’s suddenly dropped in our lap.
If we overreact with excitement and/or shock, she’ll assume we’re undersexed, inexperienced and desperate. Losing our cool is an epic fail, openly demonstrating we’re not in her league.
But if we remain composed and casually engage in the conversation as if it’s no big deal, then we score big points.
On the surface, this might appear to be a reasonably accurate assessment of such a situation and how we might potentially handle it as guys.
But what if it’s not a “test” at all? I’d contend it’s more of an invitation to join in the mating dance.
Unfortunately, most guys take an exhilarating opportunity like that and squander it. They sense they’re being “tested” and fall into self-preservation mode instead of reaching for high gear.
No, you don’t shy away from the conversation. But nor should you simply keep it casual and matter-of fact. That’s mere survival, not glorious victory.
Remember, she started it. Go forth boldly under such circumstances.
Go ahead. Say the first part of the subject line out loud. Do it briskly enough so you can hear what’s REALLY being said.
In other words, don’t give it a half-fast effort.
So gentlemen, what does a clever motorsports phrase like that have to do with women?
Well, I’m about to pull the blanket off of one of The Most Interesting Man’s more infamous pronouncements: “I assure you, most women would not consider speed a virtue.”
Now, while I wholeheartedly agree with that statement in context (speed dating)—as well as in the bedroom and during the whole seduction “dance”, for example—I’m convinced that there are absolutely other times where if you’re slow on the draw you’re going to LOSE, big time.
Here are my five (and a half) situations where you’d better be fast, lest you be half-fast:
The following e-mail was sent by a woman named Christine in response to the latest newsletter titled “The Day The Real Men Showed Up”. I’ve received several messages very similar to it, but there are a few very specific things Christine mentioned that inspired me to post this particular message. Read on…
Scot,
I will admit, I don’t read ALL the “guy emails” you send, but click on ones with pertinent titles. It never ceases to amaze me how RIGHT you are about women, ALL the time!!! 😉
I have been casually dating a “nice guy” for 5 months. On paper, this guy had it all right – the career, the stability, the friends, the great family, the hobbies, the interests, etc. But he had no game, no “leading man” skills whatsoever. I kept giving this guy a chance because he had all the other qualities I was looking for.
I kept waiting for “the man” to show up. He never did.
And it was a *total* attraction killer for me. Now that I look back, it was so obvious, right from the first date.
If this guy did “have game” he would be a total catch for any woman. My ex husband was a man with a lot of leading man skills, but not a lot of the other qualities that are attractive to women. I now know that the leading man skills were the biggest reason I married him, even when the other qualities were less than stellar.
Without those leading man skills, a guy can be no more than a friend to a woman. It’s the ugly truth.
Even worse, this guy calls to tell me how much he likes me and wants to have an exclusive relationship, and THEN admits to me that he knows he does not have “woman skills” but he doesn’t know how to fix it!!! Ugh! Ask me how much I wanted to email him your website link!!!!! My goodness, he has not even kissed me yet! It has been 5 MONTHS!
So, I am moving on, looking for the guy with the right amount of “leading man” combined with the all other qualities. I will not settle this time. And I will not waste 5 months on the next “no game” man like this, you can be sure of that.
Keep doing what you do, maybe I will come across one of your students yet. 🙂
Friends,
Christine!
Ocean City, MD
Man, I miss summers in Ocean City, MD. That was the good life.
But more importantly here, a lot of us as guys are missing the point.
The “Big Four” (masculinity, confidence, inspiring confidence and character) are foundational to attracting high quality women. But it truly is leadership that surrounds the “Big Four” and grounds it in objective, tangible reality for a woman.
That’s why when we produced a complete system on relationship management, we named it The Leading Man.
So sure, Christine’s ex-husband compelled her with pure leadership…even without a complete representation of “The Big Four”. This happens all the time, since women naturally respond to a confident man’s lead. Welcome to a key reason why women often end up with a guy who isn’t good for them. Sometimes confident leadership is all it takes to get a woman to hang out with you.
That’s right…much of what causes Idiot/Jerks to end up with the women we want is that they simply were confident enough to lead. Does everyone in such a situation ultimately “live happily ever after”? Of course not, but that’s the “hidden” part of the equation that we don’t often notice.
So fast forward to the present. Christine’s got a guy who seems to have “the whole package”–at least on paper–but who won’t (or can’t) step up and lead.
He admits to her he needs help in his skills with women, but shows little initiative with regard to getting his shop in order. To top it all off, he fails to even step up to the plate and kiss her after five months…even though she clearly wanted that to happen.
Failure To Deploy is failure to lead. Plain and simple.
So the moral of this story? Being a “Big Four” man is the foundation. Leadership is the fuel that sets it all in motion. That’s what the “whole package” really looks like.
It’s such a shame, really. Sometime back in the pickup artist era it was decided that whenever women casually bring up sex during first date conversation—or friendly chit-chat, even—it must be some sort of “test”.
Go ahead. Say the first part of the subject line out loud. Do it briskly enough so you can hear what’s REALLY being said.