Lately I’ve been coaching more guys on how to succeed at online dating than ever before, and time and again I encounter something that amazes me.
I think we could all agree that using cheesy pickup lines are decidedly not the best strategy when it comes to approaching women. In fact, they’ve kind of become a running joke.
But when our attention turns to the online dating world, something fascinating happens.
Most of what guys are being taught in terms of sending first emails to women seems oddly familiar.
Yeppers…you got it. “Cut and paste templates designed to promote banter and therefore create rapport” is really long for “pickup lines”.
After all, isn’t that the theoretical idea behind a pickup line?
“Hey baby, you’re legs must be tired…because you’ve been running around in my mind all night.”
Without citing any “trademark” examples, is that really much different than any pre-packaged “online opener” you’ve ever read?
Of course it isn’t.
But here’s the funny part. Sometimes women actually respond to them. And I’ll tell you what, if you’ve blown a couple hundred unreturned “Mr. Nice Guy” missives into a black hole, “sometimes” starts to sound good after a while.
And it’s not a long while.
So yeah, man. You go ahead and try a pickup line…errr “template” first e-mail to a woman that you hope didn’t get hurt too bad when she fell down from Heaven.
And she responds with a giggle, or at least an, “Uhhh…I didn’t get it. Was that supposed to be funny?”
You get all warm and fuzzy because you received some blessed approval…from a real woman.
So you banter some more, possibly asking her opinion about “who lies more” because that’s what’s next on the checklist.
She answers. “Um…women lie more, I guess.”
Then you ask her if she got that dress in picture #4 at a tablecloth factory. Or you ask her if she’s really lying about her age because she looks about 14. Or you start running “The Cube” on her.
Then…nothing. Dead air.
“Hey, what’s wrong? Are you too shy? Are you playing hard to get?”
Nice try, man. But what we’ve got here is a FAILURE TO DEPLOY.
I know what you’re saying. “But Scot, all these templates and openers work for the other guys!”
Maybe.
But here’s the telling part.
Based on my experience, the second most cited online dating issue (behind not getting any responses at all) is that women fall off the map after the second or third e-mail, never to be heard from again.
Why?
Simply put, the lack of authenticity catches up with you sooner than later.
Make no mistake. Even if you are successful at getting some chick to respond to your first “cut and paste” e-mail (which is growing less and less likely by the minute, as women get wiser to all of this) you’ve still got to separate yourself from the pack.
My suggestion? Instead of continuing the Playful Banter Strategy without a hiccup, try building in some depth to your second or third e-mail.
Try shifting gears by mixing in something more philosophical, romantic or even intellectual…all depending on how your personality and hers are appearing to intersect.
This is what separates you from other guys, gets her thinking about you all the time and puts you at the top of her “must meet ASAP” list.
A caveat, though. This is not to be confused with becoming an entirely different person than you were for the first couple of e-mails. That’s seriously creepy.
So what about the “playful banter” thing? Should we just bury it.
Absolutely not, man. Banter your brains out.
But here’s the thing: Realize you’ve been given a massive gift in the online dating world.
She has provided you with a whole profile full of ideas for you to riff on…or at least we hope. If you are dealing with a chick who has nice pictures and “Holla at ur grrrl” for a profile narrative, be sure to watch my last video blog.
This means if you can find two points of interest in her profile and interrelate them in a creative manner, or if you can even find one statement in there you can find irony in, then you can custom-craft a unique first e-mail that makes her smile while–importantly–demonstrating you actually read her profile.
As always, nothing long or drawn out is necessary.
Basically, your goal is to continue a conversation she is already having with you by virtue of having posted her profile. And sure, you can even ask her a question after dropping an irresistible witticism on her.
After all, it’s no longer a “pickup line” if SHE started the conversation, is it?
Be Good,
Scot
i find it’s the blokes “dropping off the map”~ usually after i answer the question: “Are you up for some fun?” with “Well~ there are no guarantees”.
funny that 🙂
thaiyellow’s last blog post: Another Personality Test: Your Answers Indicate A Hare Role
Are there EVER, thaiyellow? Only time can tell when you’ve never even met in real life before. [laughs]