“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
–Anais Nin
Congratulations on making a decision that will transform your life.
Seriously, congratulations. You may think “I haven’t done anything, I just got tired of spending Saturday nights playing Minesweeper/staring at the lobotomy box/nervously gawking at hotties from across the bar.”
But you’ve decided to master your own life and stop wallowing in a septic tank of self-pity. How many people have come to the same realization as you and decided to do nothing, or worse–whine and yowl about it?
And let’s not forget the second part of that sentence—”…making a decision that will transform your life.” It’s not just about your ability to date. That extra confidence will show on the basketball court, in the client’s office, and at Thanksgiving dinner with your own family members.
Now, the first step of the journey is to take a long, hard look into the darkest corners of your brain.
Why do I want to do this?
Repeat after me. “My happiness is a worthwhile end.” In modern American society, we are called selfish for working towards our own happiness.
Crush that notion like a wine grape.
Are you doing this to prove something to your “PUA” friend? If he’s a true friend, he already supports and appreciates you. He’ll be flattered to have another friend with a common interest and eager to share his knowledge. You don’t need to prove anything to him.
What about the high school linebacker who gave you an atomic wedgie while making out with Ms. 36-24-36? He probably forgot about you, and grew up anyways. He may have even parlayed his bullying ways into a felonious assault charge—in which case he’ll envy anyone on the other side of the sentry towers and concertina wire.
What about your mother who keeps wondering when you’ll give her a grandkid or two? She has no right to run your life.
Peel away every external motivation. You will realize that they are either nonexistent or unreasonable. In the end, everyone in your life will appreciate a more confident, newly–improved you.
Where do I want to end up?
You can’t get where you want until you have an idea where you want to be.
Do you want a permanently revolving door at the entrance to your bedroom? One great woman to spend the rest of your life with? A period of dating a lot of women in order to understand what you’re looking for? What is your time frame?
Make a clear goal to work towards. Accept it as legitimate (see the first section). One caveat, also accept that your goal will change over time.
Today’s rake and PUA may someday want to settle down with a wife, 2.5 kids, a dog, and a house with the white picket fence. The hopeless romantic may realize he’s not ready to commit just yet and needs to play the field.
Where does this fit in with the rest of my life?
If you haven’t had much experience with the opposite sex, dating/sex is probably high on your list of things to get handled. Still, it’s just one aspect of your life. There are zero (as in “0”) documented cases of someone having a fulfilling long-term love life if the rest of his or her life is in ruins.
Take a piece of paper and write down 25 things you want to do before you die (credit to Scot’s Ten-Plus initial assignment for this). Do you want a $500,000 salary, a corner office, and a company BMW 7-series? Do you want to travel to Australia, Brazil, and Germany? Do you want to marry the greatest woman in the world and have three kids? Do you want to bench press 300 pounds and dunk a basketball? Write a great science fiction novel? Repair relationships with your family or old friends? Open an antique furniture repair shop? Be specific.
Get some perspective. Realize where dating/sex/pickup/seduction/”game” fits in with the rest of your life, and never lose sight of that. Commit to bettering your ENTIRE life.
What are my strengths and weaknesses?
No one is watching you make this list. If you don’t feel an avalanche of emotions, if you are dividing your attention as you write this list, if your breathing doesn’t stagger and your heart doesn’t race, you’re not being fully honest with yourself. If it moves you to tears, congratulations—you are showing more inner courage than 99% of men out there.
How intelligent, attractive, confident, street-smart, and driven are you compared to your peers? Are you an introvert or an extrovert (see Chick Whisperer #22 – this is “do you feel energized by social situations”, NOT “am I afraid of social situations”)?
What life experiences have contributed to each attribute? In which situations do you function best? Worst?
You will find that the sum of your life experiences is unique and attractive, and will find a social “style” that suits you. You will realize that you can’t slavishly mimic a dating guru and expect success.
What are my pre-existing beliefs about dating?
When I was in high school, dating was either 1) a socially awkward, exploratory activity between pimply faced teenagers, or 2) an immoral activity for jocks and “players” that pulled teenage girls off of their pre-imagined pedestals (Note: I am not endorsing either of these viewpoints—in fact, shelving them was an essential first step in my own metamorphosis).
Think about this: What are appropriate “date” activities? How many people is it appropriate to date at once? What adjectives would you use to describe women as a group? What do you hope to give and get out of a romantic relationship with a woman? How should you treat women?
What are my pre-existing beliefs about sex?
You have been more heavily influenced by outside sources than you may believe. Religious beliefs, parental beliefs, experiences of friends and older siblings, societal taboos, past relationships. Whether you’ve accepted these beliefs or rebelled against them, you are subject to influence. It says something that what is arguably the most obscene word in American English is a vulgar synonym for sexual intercourse. Still, no cuss word in America carries quite the same reputation as the mighty “F-bomb”.
Think about this: What is the appropriate level of physical intimacy at a given point in a relationship (one date, three dates, steady gf/bf, engaged)? How do you perceive men who have had many sexual partners? Women? How long is it appropriate to date before going steady, getting engaged, or getting married?
In conclusion…
Once you can answer these questions with full candor and honesty, you’re ready to start working towards your goals.
Chin up, and get out there!
–Joe
Some very important questions asked here…. definitely plenty of food for thought for people who are starting up.
I’d like to comment on happiness though. From my experience and from the scientific research I saw, our happiness is not connected with achieving a certain goal, but rather just with our willingness and decision to be happy at any given time. Too many people think: “I’ll be happy when I get my dating life sorted…” And it’s impossible to force your way into happiness while being unhappy. Conversely, decide to be happy now and then the dating success will come to you more naturally, because people are attracted to happy people.
S.
Good point, Dr. Sasha, that’s definitely correct. I’ve been there (i.e. thinking that I’ll be happy when I accomplish A or B), at several times ending up more miserable after accomplishing A or B.
My point was not that dating success is a prerequisite for happiness, but that many people (particularly men with overbearing MOTOSes/bosses/other demands on time in their lives, significant family/work obligations, etc…) are guilted into thinking that time/effort spent on themselves is selfish. This feeds back on itself…he’s unhappy, he decides to work on himself, this triggers feelings of guilt and makes him even more unhappy. Once the feedback loop is broken, it stops being a source of stress.