Many guys spend way too many hours every year catching public transport, trains, buses, subways, ferries, etc. I used to have a 45 minute train trip every day to get to work, and 45 minutes on the train getting home.
That’s a lot of time.
On many of my trips I would see beautiful women, and I am sure you are in a similar situation. The question that was always on my mind was “How can I go and talk to her?”
Well I’m going to try to break it down for you guys today.
First, read back to my first post on Personal Brand Identity. This should help you get all your things in order.
The first thing that I needed to get over was the thought that everyone on the train was watching me. The thing to remember is that they are. Everyone is watching you. To them it’s like a daytime soap opera happening before their very eyes.
Interestingly, when I started doing approaches on the train I thought people were against me–that they would jump up and defend this woman I was hitting on, as if it was me versus everyone else.
However this couldn’t have been further from the truth. In actual fact, people either don’t care about the outcome, or they are on your side.
In one instance, after I got the phone number from a woman, she got off the train and I got a thumbs up and a cheeky grin from an old grandma who had been watching and listening in on the whole interaction. So you could call this method “grandma approved”.
OK, so once you’ve gotten over the fact that it feels like you’re on a stage what do you do next?
I had made it a rule for myself to not try any pickup in the mornings. The reason for this was that I caught the same train every morning and I got to recognise the same people every day, actually making some good train friends from it. So by doing this at night there was very little chance of getting a reputation, either good or bad.
Now, let it be known that I’m not a big fan of canned openers or routines, but I will give you a couple that you can use on the train. They aren’t terribly clever or deceptive, and they will absolutely help you get into a conversation.
The precise opener you could use depends on what time the train is. If it’s normal time that you catch the train–peak time at about 6pm–you could use “have a hard day?”.
If you’ve worked late and you’re catching a train later than usual, say around 9 or 10pm, you could use “Do you normally work this late?”
Both openers are exceptionally low pressure–on her and on you. Each allows you to get talking about where she works, if she likes it, what else she may want to be doing, if she’s studying and/or what she is studying. All sorts of conversation threads can come from that. At the end of the day, your opener really doesn’t matter. What matters is how you present yourself.
Now after you’ve got the conversation starting, you need to work out how much time you have left. Saying something like “Do you have a very long train trip ahead?” or “So where are you getting off?” work very well. I am sure if you’re a regular passenger you know the stops off by heart, and you can work out how much time you have left before needing to go for the number.
This factor normally decided how I constructed the interaction. If I didn’t have much time, I would go more direct. If I had plenty of time I could afford to be more playful, and really just have more fun in the interaction.
When you’re about 5 minutes away from her stop (or your stop) Its time to go for the number, a lot of guys put pressure on getting the number, like its a finish line or something, in fact, it’s just a way to continue the interaction.
The way I would do it was I would pull out my phone, hand it to her, and say something like “Hey pop your number in here, I’d like to take you out”. I’ve actually had this commented on by one of the women, saying that that was the reason she actually gave me her number…because I did it so well.
One key thing to remember is that women are very perceptive of their surroundings, at least initially. They may feel like it’s a setup, or that they are on a stage. But if you’re just cool, relaxed, and masculine; she will pickup on your vibe and begin to feel more and more relaxed in your presence. You can actually see this as it happens.
When you give her a call the next day or whenever you told her you would call, (e.g. “I’ll call you tomorrow at about lunchtime to organise the details.”) be sure to keep the same energy you displayed when you first met her. If you were cool, relaxed, and low energy; when you call her don’t be super high energy. It will freak her out.
If you have any questions on this topic, or you need some advice on a particular interaction please don’t hesitate to shoot me an e-mail at dave@deservewhatyouwant.com
Now, here’s a bonus. 3 tips to the female readers who want to be more approachable when on the train:
1) Remove your headphones.
It makes starting a conversation really difficult as we feel that you don’t want to be talked to
2) Stop frowning.
If you look like you are in a bad mood, no guy wants to be a part of that. He may feel that you will bite his head off if he approaches! A little smile on your face makes a whole world of difference.
3) Sit up straight.
Guys are very visual creatures and by sitting up straight you show that you have self confidence, which most guys find quite attractive.
If you’re doing these things and still not getting approached by the guy you have your eye on, there is no reason you cannot go to him to start a conversation by using the strategies I have talked about here.
–Dave W.
dave@deservewhatyouwant.com
if a bloke approached me in most of these ways i would get a kick out of it.
however, asking which stop I was getting off at would be too much for me…but then I like my space; and i’d be cautious, he could be “a well with lotion in the basket” kind of guy.
i would lie.
i don’t know this guy 🙂 Bundy was a real charmer
so if i was asked “do you have far to travel?” i would feel less pressured to disclose my personal info, and being cautious, i would tell him how “long” i expected to be on the train/bus for.
besides~ he might be chasing, not choosing, and no guy is knowing what i feel is personal info until i’ve decided which way he is “walking”.
thaiyellow’s last blog post: Another Personality Test: Your Answers Indicate A Hare Role
Definitely you have a captive audience in situations like that and as long as you can carry a friendly conversation you do well, just make sure not stare with a gazed look.
Style Habits’s last blog post: What Every Man Ought to Know About Layering Clothes
Key post.
But what about the first sitdown? Many trains, especially the later ones, have piles of free seats. It can seem unusual to sit down next to or across from a girl when there are so many other free seats, like the guy in the restroom with about twenty free urinals who chooses the one right beside you. Any solution?
Sebastian Flyte’s last blog post: Die Well
i would think:
a) he could be interested in me (the approach has started)
b) he may want to sit near another person (we are social beings)
c) he may try and hit on me (he is a “chaser?)
d) maybe he is a serial killer 🙂 (they do take trains)
thaiyellow’s last blog post: Another Personality Test: Your Answers Indicate A Hare Role
Sebastian, that cracked me up.
In that case, I’d just go right up and talk to her. You can’t wait AT ALL in those situations or it really will look creepy.
One of the things that isn’t talked about nearly enough is how most women seriously don’t comprehend the concept of “approach anxiety” in a guy. They really don’t understand why a guy would be afraid to talk to them. Sounds crazy, but true.
As such, if you hesitate you just come off like a creep who needed extra time to plot something evil rather than a guy who needed a moment (or ten) to collect his thoughts. Actually, even if she DID see it for what it was it wouldn’t look good either, right?
Also, Thaiyellow reminds us of a great point–it’s all about safety and security.
i have to say~ i am not put off by a blokes “approach anxiety”~ i find it rather sweet. And I do my best to contribute to the conversation in a fun and light way hoping he takes the pressure off himself.
i have had my own approach anxieties when i spontaneously start chatting to a guy, or ask him out.
but i find the focus on getting to know another over-rides the nerves, cause technically i am not “interested in them” yet; i’m chatting to see if they could be someone i would be interested in (thx scot for validating this approach).
so if the guy gets all full of himself thinking “she so wants me” i can be in my head going “get over yourself- it’s called getting to know someone!” 🙂
thaiyellow’s last blog post: Another Personality Test: Your Answers Indicate A Hare Role
Hey Sebastian, in this situation i would just tap her on the arm (or not) depending on the seating arrangements or whatever and just politely ask (with solid eye contact) “excuse me, is this seat taken” (and a friendly smile) now dont go out and do this in a begging way, cool and confident is what you’re after. She will instantly know you’re attracted to her, which may help the interaction along. Now if she makes up an excuse on the spot why its taken or if she says that there are plenty of other seats spare you could turn it into a bit of a joke and say “ha ha you’re pretty funny, hows it going I’m Dave” and just sit down, now this is where you need to calibrate, if she smiles its ok, if she isnt smiling and looks really uncomfortable, then you need to excuse yourself.
Best of luck mate, let me know how it goes
Dave