The Guide To Speed Dating Success

Posted on January 2, 2009
Filed Under Joseph Jensen, Men Attracting Women, Seduction, Women Attracting Men |

(This post originated as a correspondence on speed dating between two X&Y team members. I have speed-dated on and off for approximately two years and observed the curious dynamic involved. I have left feeling like I found my “100” and left wondering why I wasted two hours of valuable SportsCenter rerun time. I have attended feeling like I could conquer the world, and attended three days out of the ICU. So without further ado…)

The event…

The format varies by organization–some have longer (8-10 min) vs. shorter (4-5 min) individual dates, some allow one-on-one time with everyone there whereas others will only put you across from a fraction of the ladies present, some have an “intermission” for unstructured interaction, others don’t. You get the picture.

Most events are bracketed by age range (e.g. 25-35) or other demographic characteristics (race, religion, professional status). Age ranges are not absolute but not infinitely flexible—a 37 year old could attend a 25-35 event, a 45 year old is pushing the limit.

Generally, you will want to attend events with more people present–it’s simple math, the more people you put there, the more people you can connect with. Given a choice between more total attendees and more one-on-one time, go with more total attendees. Interact with them outside of the formal event (more on this below).

Conduct at the event…

Arrive early, ideally, 10-15 minutes before the formalities begin. This is your best opportunity to interact with other participants without a stopwatch and whistle controlling the pace of the conversation. Many participants (particularly women) will be nervous about even attending a speed date; they feel they are admitting failure or un-dateability by even going to a speed date. Use your “Big Four”, cocky/funny, confident/masculine, whatever you want to call it to put them at ease.

In the event itself, stay away from the usual “name, rank, serial number” questions. Not only are they mundane and boring, but everyone is asking them. I get quickly bored of telling women where I went to college, what I do now, and what I want to be in 5-10 years. This is not a job interview; don’t make it one. Moreover, don’t talk about the event itself (I’ve blown myself up many times by doing this). Get them talking about themselves and their exciting experiences. Work quickly, create as much rapport as you can within 4 (or 5, or 8, or 10) minutes.

A special note on “getting the digits.” Creating a connection is useless if you’ll never see that person again. To this end:

1) NEVER rely on the e-mail matching system—they may lose interest later, overthink themselves, or “compare notes” with a friend who didn’t like you and submarines your chances.

2) Know the rules of the system—some groups prohibit participants from exchanging contact information—and flout them anyways. Hey, asking her out even when it’s not “permitted” shows a little balls, doesn’t it?

3) Know that many people bolt the event right after the formal speed date is over—get her info THEN AND THERE.

4) If things are going extremely well (i.e. blatant signs of interest, “you’re amazing!”, etc…) then suggest the two of you leave and continue the conversation over a couple drinks. Congratulations, you’ve successfully moved the interaction out of the “speed date” and into the “first date” territory. Go from there.

5) If you didn’t get one-on-one time with someone who you’re interested in, just lay it all out there. “Hey, I know we didn’t get to chat much, but let’s remedy that, (have her punch her # into your mobile or write her e-mail on the back of a cocktail napkin).” I got a woman’s number in thirty seconds while sprinting for a train this way.

6) If the event host is cute, single, and interesting, she’s fair game too. I’ve done it twice.

Problematic characters…

There are a couple “problematic characters” you may run into at the event.

· MALE – You’ve heard (and read up on how to deal with) the “AMOG”, but some speed dating events attract the “BMOG.” They are awkward guys, either socially inexperienced, approach-anxious, or just trying too bloody hard, and think that a speed date provides them with a rare opportunity. They may perform a laundry lists of seduction “don’t”s—they hover around attractive women, they supplicate, they interject just to qualify themselves—and take women out of a “dating” mood. If confronted with a “BMOG,” either try to put them at ease or just move the conversation elsewhere.

· FEMALE – Many women are there just to entertain themselves on the weeknight or support a friend who is too insecure to attend on her own. Similarly, there are “poisonous friends” who will try to sabotage you. Keep your cool, and above all, if you have a connection, get her number then and there. If you think that “friend” can sabotage your chances at the bar, how much more time will she get on the train ride home or at the bar that night to convince her friend out of seeing you?

Last words…

All in all, speed dates are a blast—nowhere else do you get the chance to meet upwards of ten eligible women in the span of an hour or less. If nothing else, you get practice, and multiple chances to “try something new”—a new look, a new bar. Either way, keep your chin up and get out there!

Cheers,

–Joe

joseph@deservewhatyouwant.com

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• Scot McKay is a professional dating coach and founder of X & Y Communications.

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