Here is some Q & A that went on recently between a reader and I. While there are some key general principles in there about setting up oneself for success on first dates, the greatest takeaway is the reader’s date idea itself. Read on.
Hi Scot:
I just thought i would email you to see if you have an answer that you could give to me advising me about going on a date with this beautiful girl.
I have had the date set up for a couple of weeks and explained to her that because of Christmas I had no money, setting a date in January (well next Friday).I’m planning on taking her ice skating and then for a nice meal. But I found out that she has another date tomorrow night (Sunday) and I was just wondering what your advice would be about this–whether to keep the date as I do really want to take her out, but I just don’t know as of [learning about her going] on this other date.
Also any tips you could give me that would really give me a good chance to get a second date and take her out even more.
I have my hopes up about this date as I don’t have much luck with the ladies but I am hopefully changing this over the next year.Many thanks,
Colin (United Kingdom)
Hello Colin:
Well, first of all I wouldn’t have told her that I needed two weeks to plan the date because I had no money.
Second of all…I wouldn’t have needed to have any money anyway.
Third…I would have recognized that a truly sharp, worthwhile woman cares more about my interest in spending time with her than how much money I’m spending. And I would have made plans for a LOT sooner…if just to go Christmas shopping together or to see the Christmas lights downtown. Whatever.
That she has a date with another guy tomorrow is in and of itself immaterial. That’s the bed you’ve made by empowering her to explore other options during the interim between when you asked and when your date actually happens. If after that date she likes him more than you, that’s the way it goes. On the other hand, if he blows it for himself as many guys do (either by being too sexually pushy and or…wait for it…by trying to impress her with how much money he spends on her) then you may actually be handed an opportunity on your evening with her to show her how a real man operates.
As an aside, the fact that she TOLD you about the other date is likely a sign of interest in YOU rather than him. Think about it. Yet you are asking me questions as if you feel you’ve already “lost” before you’ve even gone out with her. Success with her and with women in general has to start with the confident mindset of a man who is a winner and assumes rich options with women.
If you haven’t told her about the “nice dinner” after the ice skating plans, I wouldn’t. I am also assuming you know how to ice skate decently (not necessarily like Sidney Crosby or anything, but at least as well as she’ll be able to) and therefore can demonstrate confidence and leadership.
That said, ice skating sounds like an exceptional first date idea. There are built-in ways to be “physical” together that are quintessentially perfect for sending the right messages. You can hold her hand, skate arm-in-arm if she’s a beginner, and physically help her up after a fall (not by the arm like an NBA player, please).
You can even perform the all-powerful “out of context dance twirl” a time or two when you’ve stopped skating and are ready to step off the ice (or already have). All of these examples allow you to show that you can lead physically WITHOUT coming off as a horn dog. Note the distinct difference between what I’m talking about here and “escalating kino”, which is how sex-focused men try to manipulate women whom they assume–and typically mistakenly so–aren’t wise to what’s going on.
Ice skating. Good call. Most Definitely.
Pick her up for the evening and take her skating. Don’t plan on this lasting for any longer than an hour and a half or so because it gets old (and cold) faster than you think–especially if there’s a lot of falling going on. Believe me when I tell you a nice restaurant is not going to fit the texture of the evening after that anyway.
Assuming you two are having fun, then you announce that it’s time to go grab a bite afterward. Choose somewhere that’s inexpensive and with a lightweight atmosphere. It is imperative that this be about continuing to spend time together now that you’re hungry having ice skated for a while. You are not attempting to impress her with dinner here. Then, continue the fun conversation making best use of the doubtlessly humorous or otherwise talkworthy stuff that happened while you were ice skating.
Getting this right isn’t difficult, my good friend. I can guarantee it’s at least easier than learning to ice skate was.
Oh…and lest I forget. Watch for the perfect first-kiss moment, which could come at any time. If you help her up after another slip up on the ice and she stays close to you and looks you in the eye rather than skating off right away, PLEASE kiss her…briefly but effectively. If you don’t, every woman reading this will come to your door and go “Ruth Buzzi” on your happy beating you over the head with their purses.
Assuming the best in the above scenario, when you take her home after dinner, walk her to her door, tell her you had fun and that you’ll call her. Then LEAVE. No more kisses. Get this last step right and the guy from the date before yours is in BIG trouble. She won’t be able to stop thinking about you. And please don’t wait “three to five days” to call the poor chick, will you?
Enjoy.
Be Good,
Scot
