It was my oldest daughter who started it.
Back when she was about two she started saying, “I like you” to me.
Of course, we told her we loved her all the time.
But she was the one to take the initiative to take things a step further. Even though she was so young, she recognized that saying “I like you” is different than saying “I love you”.
Upon first consideration, you may perhaps think of “I like you” as somehow junior to its heavier “I love you” relative.
Indeed, many of us think of—and even joke about—“I like you” as kind of “ILY Lite”, possibly reserved for when someone we’re dating drops the “ILY” bomb on us before we’re exactly willing or ready to reciprocate.
Her: “I love you.”
Him: “Uh…I, um…LIKE you too.”
While I fully get the dynamics of such an unfortunate conversation, I think it’s a mistake to automatically relegate “I like you” to the realm of the relatively trivial.
That’s because when used effectively, the phrase can convey as much, if not MORE power than “I love you” can.
Even at age two, my daughter realized that.
The secret to making “I like you” count is using it proactively instead of reactively.
In other words, instead of as an “escape hatch” from having to deal with a woman who you think is moving too fast for your tastes, try speaking it as a simple—but powerful—observation.
If you’re having fun with a woman who you’ve only seen a time or two thus far, saying “I like you” serves notice that she can relax. She didn’t mess this one up. Things are going well in your educated estimation.
The elegant simplicity of those three words is so straightforward and basic that it is sure to catch her off-guard.
Why?
Well first, you’ve given her unquestionable approval without GUSHING forth approval…and that’s attractive.
Don’t kid yourself. If you say, “I like you” to a woman in a confident, matter-of-fact way you will come off VERY differently than the needy, desperate chump you may have been told elsewhere you’re in danger of becoming should you EVER give ANY woman a compliment.
You will have presented yourself as a man with a strong, decisive opinion. You know what you like, and by stating so you imply with just enough energy what it is you WANT.
Women crave that in a man…probably more than they even crave the safety and security of knowing they’ve impressed you effectively.
But second, the very concept of “I like you” carries a certain weight that even “I love you” cannot match.
Whereas “I love you” implies unconditional feelings, “I like you” is—by it’s very nature—VERY conditional.
Yes, I understand that “unconditional love” gets a lot of hype. And there’s certainly a time and a place for it.
Similarly, I also agree that “attraction is not a choice”. We don’t exactly CHOOSE those whom we get hot for.
But “like” stands in the gap.
To “like” someone is a conscious decision. We have control over it.
Ultimately, it’s okay NOT to like someone.
But that also means it’s okay TO like someone.
Obviously, being liked feels a lot better to just about EVERYONE, though, than NOT being liked, doesn’t it?
Not long ago I said “I like you” to my younger daughter, who is four months old…just as I had told her about 50 times per day for weeks prior to that.
And indeed, I had spoken the heartfelt truth every time. She’s easy to like. She’s as beautiful as her mama, and smiles just as much. She’s already a fun kid with a great heart just like her sibs.
But something amazing happened that one particular time I told her I liked her: She said it back to me.
It was unmistakable. Even Emily fixed her attention in our direction—eyes the size of saucers.
”Did I just hear what I think I did?”, she whispered…almost reverently.
Indeed she did. And our daughter said it two more times, just for good measure.
Her first words were, “I like you”.
Does this somehow underscore just how meaningful and significant the phrase truly is? I personally believe it does.
That little girl has been on this Earth for a whopping 120 days or so, and she already senses it. Incredibly, the look in her eyes backed up her tiny words.
You can therefore rest assured that the next woman you realize you’re enjoying the company of, considering that she’s at least 54 times older than my daughter, likely will also.
Use the phrase when you mean it. It’s not going to tie you down to one woman forever, it’s just going to make her, well, “like” you more right now.
Don’t lie to me. You know you’d love to hear those “three little words” spoken back to you, wouldn’t you?
Be Good,
Scot McKay
I LIKE YOU TOO.
I agree that liking someone is powerful. Perhaps even more powerful sometimes than loving them (esp. with all the BS about “love” distracting our attention).
In particular, parents may consciously distinguish that they do not currently ‘like’ their child, even when they have full awareness of their concurrent deep love for that same child.
But I’m unconvinced that ‘liking’ someone is a “conscious decision” significantly different than ‘loving’ someone is. There are two “facets” to each and, while one is willful, the other is not consciously chosen by us. I know this for myself because there are a number of women about whom I might think, “geez, I really like that girl, but I’m not *exactly* sure why…!”
Not to worry though, Scot, I’m sure that both sides of me ‘like’ reading and pondering your ideas!
All the best,
JP
You just might be right about that. I was thinking more of “like” as not being unconditional. There’s a reason behind “like”, even if you can’t quite put your finger on it.
Great article Scott! Who knew those three words could be so powerful when used effectively? I certainly overlooked it.
Using “I like you” could possibly be the best way to compliment a woman when she clearly likes you back. It doesn’t come off as too needy and it is not too cliche. It has the right balance when it comes to escalating.
There’s usually more that follows the statement ‘I like you.’ And it should never start with ‘…but’. It’s usually something like ‘because you have guts.’ or ‘you have a good heart.’ Or ‘you’re honest.’ Or whatever quality I’ve noticed she has that I like. And this takes it all further, because it shows her that I know Specifically what I like, that I’m not afraid to declare it, and that I’m paying attention and evaluating and choosing, not just pre-qualifying and settling.
So: I like you Scot. You discuss some excellent thoughts that can really help my dating life on this blog, and get me thinking.
That’s a great point. I think there’s a time and a place in the world for both versions, the general and the more specific.
The last time I used those 3 words, we made love for the 1st time and were married a year later
This was a really good blog Scot. It was really touching, kinda made me tear up there. Good job and good motivational tips.
Your advice is so useful! When I read the first part of this it took me immediately to my 5 year old son. We both say “I love you” to each other all the time. It is almost a reflex response. Every morning before I leave for work we exchange our “I love you” statements. We do the same thing when I get home and when I put him to bed. But when out of nowhere he says, “Dad, I really like you” the feeling I get of warmth and happiness is a hundred times greater. It just seems to mean so much more that he likes me AS WELL as loves me. I never thought to really think about what that meant until I read your post. I obviously never took the time to think about what those 3 simple words could mean for dating and relationship either. Thank you so much for the insight and the enlightened perspective you have given me.
In the song “Counting the Days” by Good Charlotte he says “Four little words are all you said, five minutes later were in bed”. Does anyone know what these four words are or have any ideas? Me and my friend have been trying to figure out for a while!
You misread understood the words. Read the lyrics.