Online Dating: The Case For Instant Messaging

Posted on March 16, 2008
Filed Under Inner Game, Men Attracting Women, Online Dating, Seduction, Women Attracting Men |

Some guys believe that instant messaging is to be avoided at all costs when beginning to talk to women we meet online.

I understand that sentiment to some degree, based on the logic that it’s always a good idea to get women from e-mail to phone–and then to first meeting–as soon as possible.

Apart from that, a lot of water starts rushing under the proverbial bridge and we may find ourselves having wasted a lot of time when and if we end up disappointed upon meeting. And no doubt, IM can be a major aggravating factor when it comes to prolonging the pre-meeting phase.

Likewise, the more we talk and talk to women before actually meeting them the greater the probability of slipping into the Dreamscape Effect, which is when we literally invent an image of the “real” woman we’re dealing with without actually having the benefit of knowing yet what reality holds. The longer this goes on, the more damaging the disappointment can be when it happens. We’ll discuss the Dreamscape Effect in greater detail in a future post.

So then, yes…if a woman is using IM simply as a means of protracting the process of getting to the first meeting, then such scenarios are to be avoided. If she repeatedly refuses to escalate to the next level of communication (e.g. e-mail to IM, IM to phone, phone to meeting) but continues to appear interested, then that’s likely what you are dealing with. “Safety” and “taking things slow” makes a good excuse, but very often she’s nervous about disappointing you, and this may be for good reason.

All of that said, here are some great ideas for using IM as an effective tool:

1. It’s Outstanding Practice

David DeAngelo gets the credit for talking about IM (and online chat rooms) in terms of being a “female simulator”. While my own personal style is to always focus on the fact that there is indeed a real human being behind any online interaction, it absolutely is true that IM is a great “proving ground” for fine-tuning your interactions with women.

You get some time to form your words, and you have the luxury of erasing and retyping before hitting “send”. You can’t do that on the phone or in person, huh?

But that part is obvious. What few guys tend to remember is that she is afforded the same advantages..

So look alive, out there fellas.

You just might get the challenge you are looking for from some of the sharper women out there who have some game of their own beyond typing “hi whatcha doin?”.

As you put more time in IMing, you’ll find that your real-time interactions will become more fluid and natural, and you’ll be a bit quicker on the draw. That’s a good thing.

2. You Can Balance Conversations With Multiple Women Simultaneously

In diametric opposition to claims that IM is a “time waster”, I’m here to tell you that IM is pretty much a gift to a guy who is dating multiple women. You can literally carry on conversations with as many women at once as you can handle, even while multi-tasking.

This, of course, is impressively convenient if you work at home or otherwise are required to spend a lot of time on the computer. You can literally be sure to give enough attention to certain women in your life that they don’t feel neglected without having to text message or call them separately.

Just don’t get the windows mixed up. That can suck.

3. Long Distance Penpals Rock

Yeah, yeah. You don’t want to get wadded up in a serious, emotionally-loaded relationship with someone who is hundreds or thousands of miles away. Given.

But if you know how to keep your wits about you, meeting women online from other places–which is especially easy on some of the niche dating sites out there–can be a blast.

And the IM conversations you can have with them are a major reason why.

Something remarkable happens when a woman believes that she has very little chance of meeting you…and therefore little chance of you interacting with her local friends and relatives.

Very often, she loses a measure of inhibition.

In these cases, you can affect particularly hot, sexually-charged conversations much more quickly than you can with women who may actually meet you someday.

Call it less urgency surrounding the “anti-slut defense”. Call it a greater measure of bravado thanks to the insulation of distance. Whatever.

What’s important is that even higher-quality, respectable women who are farther away will engage in more flirtatious and generally hornier conversations MUCH, MUCH sooner than they would if they lived around the corner.

Not only does this make for great fun, once again it seriously helps you develop your game for when the chips are down in real life. And that can’t be a bad thing.

Incidentally, the mechanics of how exactly to get these types of conversations underway is very similar to how it’s done via phone. Phone seduction is covered in step-by-step detail in my new audio program Telecom Game.

And, of course, an especially enjoyable by-product of this whole effect comes from the added dimension enabled by…

4. Webcams

Oh heck yes.

Man, just fifteen years ago the concept of video-conferencing was still futuristic stuff, wasn’t it? I remember setting up massive V-Tel monitors costing thousands of dollars and pixelized, BRI ISDN-driven images back in the day when I first started in the IT world. Crazy.

And nowadays a $20 “eyeball cam” from the electronics store of your choice and the magic of broadband has made it all a reality.

But ironically enough, we have collectively found that we don’t much care for seeing each other when we’re on the phone. Video-conferencing just never became as ubiquitous as we had guessed it might.

After all, it’s amazing how few times we actually feel “presentable” enough to go video when we answer the phone.

So most of us have pretty much learned to overlook video-conferencing as even an option.

But see, here’s the thing. A lot of women still have $20 webcams.

And like I said, when they live thousands of miles away from you, they tend to lose inhibition sooner.

Provided you are man enough to ignite her femininity correctly, and patient enough not to act like a MySpace newbie in Tila Tequila’s picture section, after successfully getting a sexually charged conversation going you may actually find it’s HER IDEA to give you a show.

Don’t push it, just let it happen. If you feel it’s far enough along in the conversation, and she’s showing serious interest in some high-octane flirting to the point of openly sexual conversation, then you can feel welcome to make a subtle suggestion that she’s a whole lot of talk and not enough action. LOL

One caveat. If you think that women are going to be impressed by your sudden, unexpected NIFOC appearance (”naked in front of the computer”) as soon as you fire up the cam, you’ve got a long way to go.

Women are wired differently. Oddly enough, women DO expect NIFOC guys as soon as the cam goes on, so you really aren’t “surprising” anyone. But more importantly, they expect it because they’re used to NEEDY guys who are sex-focused and have no idea how women are wired.

But given solid execution in building sexual tension and what I call “chemical momentum” with women, the possibilities are endless.

5. A Secret Weapon For Single Dads

A shout out to my brethren out there who are single parents. I’ve been there myself, and the specific issues you face are not talked about in the Seduction Community nearly enough.

When you’ve got full-time custody of your kids you’ve got responsibilities so you can’t exactly go out every night.

And more importantly, if you can’t exactly hold proper phone conversations with women in front of the kids, right?

Viva IM.

And, um…I guess if you still live at home with your Mom you can’t exactly have proper phone conversations without stepping outside either. So perhaps this idea has multiple applications.

So there you have it. By the way, make sure your use of “smileys” is judicious. Think unexpected and edgy rather than typical or “nice”. That way you’ll always be sending the right messages. Never use standard smiley or wink emoticons if you can help it. I’m starting to think some guys can’t help it.

A great list of secret “hidden” emoticons for Yahoo IM can be found here. This is always good for catching women off guard. Try “Not Listening” when she’s busting on you, and try “Dancing” after you drop a particularly good C/F line.

So what about you? Got any ideas or stories to tell? Don’t be shy…comment away.

Enjoy.

Be Good,

Scot

Bookmark to:

Comments

RSS feed | Trackback URI

Comments

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.

• Scot McKay is a professional dating coach and founder of X & Y Communications.

Tell A Friend










• Search

• Admin

  • Register
  • Login
  • Wordpress
  • 
  
   
  
   
  
   
  

  X & Y Communications Coaching

  Dating and relationship coaching via Skype on a per-minute basis.

  Call now

  $2.50 Per Minute