Given what Emily and I do for a living, as you imagine we’ve probably heard just about everything.
And truly, there’s no limit to the potential topics of discussion when it comes to matters of men relating to women and vice-versa.
Maybe that’s why it’s so blasted curious to me that about a quarter to a third of the questions we get follow a certain pattern.
It’s a very definable one, too. Here are just a few examples. See if you can pick up on what I’m talking about:
“Hey Scot, lately I’ve been completely unmotivated and even scared to ask a few women out. Yet they seem to flirt with me all the time. Should I man up and flirt back, or am I doomed to never having a girlfriend? Thanks, man.”
“Yo man, whenever I meet girls I try to ‘escalate’ as quickly as possible so I can ‘get the lay’. But the same thing always happens—they always tell me I’m a little too ‘intense’ for them and that they don’t want to go out with me. Should I stop pushing for sex so soon?”
And then there’s this sort of thing…which is way, way too common:
“Hello Scot and Emily. I live with my boyfriend, but he leaves me alone for most of the night and when he comes home drunk beats the heck out of me. He doesn’t have a job and spends most of what little I make on cocaine and gambling. Oh, and he slaps my two children around also and calls them names. Should I marry him?”
See the pattern yet? I realize that’s almost a rhetorical question at this point.
Nevertheless, yes…we get dozens upon dozens of letters asking Emily and I for our advice on questions that the answer to is COMPLETELY OBVIOUS.
Often times, there aren’t even two viable options to choose from. The correct answer would beat anyone asking such a question over the head with a stick and make ‘em call it “Daddy”.
Yet, the trend persists.
What’s going on there?
Well, let’s make one thing perfectly clear. Neither of us believes for a second that anyone writing to us with questions like that doesn’t already KNOW the answer.
Rather, what they’re REALLY asking is for one of three things:
1) They want a bit of a “head check” from someone like us just to make sure their logic is correct. After all, it’s really not always as easy to see things so clearly when they’re happening to YOU, is it?
2) They’re looking for a “pep talk” to gather up the strength and courage to do what they already know they need to do.
3) They’re in search of relief from a “guilt trip” being laid on them by the manipulators who’ve been taking advantage of them all along and now need to be kicked out of their lives forever.
What I’m going to say next might surprise you, but it’s based on years of immersion in the world of dating and relationship advice.
Not only do we UNDERSTAND why we get e-mails that follow the pattern I just described, we expect to KEEP GETTING MORE of them—even after exposing what’s going on in this very e-mail.
That’s because the underlying need behind all of them is VALID, even if the objective question being asked only has one reasonable answer.
Oftentimes, doing what you already know in your heart NEEDS to be done is NOT easy…and it’s even harder when you feel ALONE.
What it comes down to is finding personal strength and power. Whenever you are faced with a difficult question of what to do when relating to MOTOS (members of the opposite sex), ask yourself if you’re in any condition to handle things logically.
Remember, I recently wrote to you about how we as humans tend to make EMOTIONAL decisions and then back them up with logic…ANY “logic” that would support them.
As it turns out, then, it’s no surprise that if our emotions are about to send us either hurtling over a cliff or suffocating in our “comfort zone, our logical minds may sound the “red alert” on us.
Sure, we feel that incongruence between emotion and logic when it reaches a very real “tipping point”, don’t we?
Doing what’s RIGHT often therefore seems very, very difficult to do…because we’d have to let go of an emotional attachment that’s stronger than Crazy Glue.
Take that third example above. If only I had a dollar for every time Emily’s obviously correct advice in such cases to “dump him immediately and never, ever look back” elicits a simple four-word response: “But I love him.”
Love really isn’t always enough, just like it isn’t always so important that you remain “comfortable” in your cocoon of “the way things have always been”. And a small amount of patience really does go a long, long way in this culture of “immediate gratification”.
But you already knew everything I just wrote in that last paragraph.
The first step to making wise relationship decisions is to REMEMBER all of those things the next time they apply to you.
The second step is therefore to act boldly in the same manner you’d recommend to somebody else were they to find themselves in a similar position.
Or hey…you can always keep asking us and we’ll have your back.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
I think your take on it is right on the money.
But there are situations that “muddy the waters.” I’ve very often dismissed blatant flirtations and indications of interest from women who I simply thought were unavailable because they were — to the best of my knowledge — married or had a boyfriend. I thought they were just being friendly. Then a few weeks or months later I see the gal with someone else.
I’ve figured the only way to handle this is if I think the gal has potential is to communicate a bit better and find out what’s going on before dismissing or running with it.
I absolutely agree even if many won’t or can’t admit that to themselves. Good job! And thanks to both of you for the very different (as in non-mainstream) yet dead on accurate advice. I’m already a bit of a rebel so something different is perfect for me. And although I’ve already been blessed to find the love of my life I still love to read both you and Emily’s emails. God bless you both 🙂
I myself was in a relationship with an alcoholic for years. I chose not to see the truth. But this year when the pain got to be more than I could handle I ended it. It wasn’t easy. I’d been with the man for 10 years but I knew I couldn’t afford any more time with him.
It was horrible, I felt alone as we didn’t have a bad time together, it was the actions that were happening like not paying the bills etc which broke me. I missed the nice side of him but it was easy to also remeber the bad stuff.
Now I’m loving being sinle again. I’m turning 50 now and I realsie that there’s men all over who seem attracted to me. The best part is it’s so good to know I have a choice and I don’t need a man just for the sake of being in a relationship.
Hey Emily and Scott keep on, I love your stuff!