Consider two separate dates with two different women:
Scenario 1: It was a gorgeous Wednesday before a long weekend. I awoke from a full night’s sleep ready to conquer the world by lunch, and cure cancer by dinner. And I did (almost), giving a very well-received client presentation and setting a personal best on the bench press that morning. The winds of fate were at my back—if I didn’t have a very intriguing first date that night, I should have hit Mohegan Sun’s blackjack tables.
Scenario 2: Weather.com predicted scattered thunderstorms all week—I chose Tuesday because it was one of two free nights in the next two weeks. The PowerPoint slide swam before me, as last night’s four hours sleep were catching up to me. I had tried to hit the weights, but the mental haze was just too strong. I compromised my form on an overhead press and tweaked my trapezius muscle hard. I couldn’t hold my neck straight. I adjusted my collar in the mirror and a zombie stared back. How was I going to make it to—let alone through—that night’s date?
It wouldn’t follow logically that Date #1 ended with a tepid hug, while Date #2 with a passionate sunset kiss on Boston Common and an enthusiastic request for a second date, would it?
But that’s exactly what transpired in the real-world.
The difference between Date #1 and Date #2 was that physical discomfort kept me out of my own head.
“This is your pain. This is your burning hand, right here!”
–Brad Pitt, “Fight Club”
In Fight Club’s famous “chemical burn” scene, Edward Norton tries to zone out the burning pain of caustic lye. Similarly, many men try to zone out the nervousness associated with meeting a new woman, the tension of a potential romantic/sexual interaction, even the giddiness of unknown potential. They overthink and overanalyze the conversation, at the expense of participating. In doing so, they come off as aloof, disinterested, or creepy. Date #1 was full of awkward silences and “analysis paralysis.”
We don’t want that.
Brad Pitt refused to neutralize the burn until Norton stopped thrashing about and embraced the pain of the moment. On date #2, I couldn’t zone out, drop conversational non sequiturs, think about the upcoming weekend or worry that I forgot to e-mail back an overzealous client. I couldn’t worry if she noticed a couple hairs sticking up, or a couple wrinkles in my shirt. I hurt too much to babble or show off.
At the same time, I could appreciate my date even more deeply. I noticed how she told amazing stories, the tempo of her voice, the way she brushed a lock of hair over her left shoulder, the way a cardinal perched on the stone wall caught her eye, the way she inched closer to me and touched my shoulder. And the amazing kiss made me forget about my strained neck.
This isn’t about the two women—several friends and I have reported the same results through injury, sleep deprivation, jet lag, and severe sunburn. But suffice to say, this is a painful way to go through life, and women don’t fantasize about a yawning man with a bright crimson face.
Now how does one stay in the moment?
1. Raise your heart rate. I LOVE active, tactile dates—a long walk through the city, a trip to the water park, even a game of miniature golf will force you (and her) to pay close attention to your body (bonus points if it lends itself to physical contact—dancing, showing her how to hold a golf club or tennis racquet). If it’s a coffee or drinks date, work out beforehand. Even three pushups on the office floor can bring you into the here-and-now and out of your head.
2. Listen to music. Listen to whatever song represents the best you, the you that you want to portray. I visualize myself as a UFC champion strutting down the entrance ramp as my theme blares throughout the arena—I am full of energy, “pre-approved,” and ready to dazzle.
3. Interact socially. Don’t make your date the first social interaction of the day. Call a friend, call a family member. Go to the drugstore and strike up a conversation with the clerk. Get yourself in the mindset of brightening someone’s day, and away from your personal concerns.
4. Above all, be full and flow over. You are sharing the gift of YOU with this woman. You will bring excitement and joy into her life while you are with her. Bring all of yourself to the date, allow her to experience the joy of being with a man, and let her miss you when it’s time to go. She can’t miss you if you don’t show up!
So until we meet again, keep your chin up.
–Joe
Isn’t it cool also how a great woman overflowing with feminine joy and pure energy can really make you forget about a bad day? It’s like a “miracle cure”.
You know, I think some women actually are very much in tune with their power in this area, and genuinely LOVE to work it’s effects on guys who are stressed out.
Maybe you didn’t wear it on your sleeve on Date #2, but maybe the woman was really energized by the fact that her feminine gifts were so well appreciated.
That’s some solid advice, Joe!
I’d also add:
5. Listen to what the woman has to say, both with her words and non-verbal signals.
I find it’s much easier to focus on the interaction when there’s no internal dialogue in my head. To suppress any internal dialog, bring your tongue where the roof of your mouth meets the top of your teeth. You can also imagine holding a drop of olive oil at the tip of your tongue. This has been scientifically proven to reduce any internal dialog, thus bringing you more into the moment, and allowing you to listen better.
Sasha
Actually, I think #5 is more the result of having done the others. I was talking more about putting yourself in a physical state where you can listen without internal distractions.
How does the drop of olive oil trick work? I’m curious.