Dealing With Breakups: Ending A Long-Term Relationship [Part Four Of Four]

Posted on April 13, 2008
Filed Under Pillar Articles, Relationship Management |

For this fourth and final installment in our series on breakups, we’re going to deal specifically with what may be the absolute most difficult situation that anyone who is single ever has to face: breaking off a relationship that has gone on for a long time.

For the sake of clarity here at the beginning, this post is not about how to deal with divorce. As originally stated back in Part One, the concept of ending married relationships is replete with it’s own set of complications and therefore will be considered a wholly separate subject above and beyond what this series has been designed to cover. We’ll limit this particular conversation to ending long-term dating relationships.

So to kick this all off, let’s get a handle on exactly what such long-term dating relationships might look like.

There are as many reasons why two people would remain together for a long time as there are grains of sand on the beach, really. Some long-term relationships are casual or even “off and on” gigs that have carried on for months or even years, no doubt. And as long as both partners are honest and remain uncommitted to anyone else on a monogamous basis, this can be fine for everyone involved, of course.

But clearly, when one partner finds someone else OTHER than the casual partner whom he or she wants to be monogamous with, such casual relationships should end. But man is it difficult to simply cut ties with someone who has been there for so long, even on an offhand basis.

Truly, for many such a scenario represents “crunch time” insofar as deciding what it is he or she wants in life. Is it going to be to have a casual long-term relationship (or several), or go for stability with one person long-term? Unless an open long-term relationship with a primary partner is an option for you, you’ve got to be comfortable with “retirement” from casual dating if you decide to become monogamous with someone. Otherwise, your integrity (and your character, which is one of the “Big Four”, remember) goes down the drain.

The problem with this whole scenario is that when long-term casual relationships end, it often comes out that one partner actually was holding onto unspoken hopes for something more.

Whether we like it or not, in the real-world it’s exceptionally difficult for two people to be together romantically without deep feelings developing. It’s just human nature when attraction is involved. The longer that attraction incubates, the more likely it is to become unconditional love over time.

So notwithstanding something heinous happening, which we’ve already covered, the simple truth is that when a long-term relationship comes to an end one or the other of the two people involved probably had living “happily ever after” in mind. And someone is going to get his or her heart broken as a result.

The surprising and even disarming concept at play here is that virtually all long-term relationships that end likely could have been called off much, much sooner had more open and honest communication taken place. Yes…the heartbreak could usually have been avoided, or at least severely lessened by calling things off much sooner.

But as I’m on record as saying even recently, breaking up with someone you really like simply because you are afraid of ‘getting hurt’ is not a healthy way to operate.

So that’s where the “money question” comes into play, typically but not always asked by women: How long is “long enough” to date before having to come to grips with the fact that the relationship will likely never progress to marriage?

I mean seriously. What’s the window of time for giving someone a chance to figure out what he or she wants from life?

The answer there is purely dependent on two discrete factors.

First, are you and your partner communicating? I remain flabbergasted by the number of couples who never get around to talking about anything of substantial depth, even after dating for a considerable length of time. You can enjoy the first few dates without broaching “heavy” subjects, but don’t let this become a long-term habit. You’ve got to make sure you are on the same page as your partner as soon as possible on major issues like children, religion, life-goals, etc. or else you are simply prolonging the inevitable. In all too many cases, I’ve seen breakups of long-term relationships happen that are months or even years overdue…all for this reason.

Following logically from the first factor is the second. Are you and your partner on the same page with regard to marriage plans? If one partner would love to be married and the other could theoretically put it off indefinitely, then there’s a serious disconnect which typically can only result in “settling” or a bitter breakup.

Ultimately, I’m reticent to slap an arbitrary time line on this process (as noted in the 8-part mini-course we send out to all of you who are subscribed to the newsletter).

But that’s not to say there aren’t objective indicators to look for.

If you have heard promises from your partner that aren’t being fulfilled upon, you are likely getting strung along. Again, this is not a gender-specific scenario. I met one 35-year-old woman who had just broken up with her boyfriend of seven years because “she wasn’t ready for a commitment”. Similarly, if your partner avoids the issue altogether or always seems to be postponing the conversation, you should take this as a clear message that he or she is not thinking “marriage”.

No matter who you are, if you’ve invested a large block of time in a relationship that you have been perceiving to have “forever” potential when the partner was merely along for the ride, the inevitable breakup is all the more bitter the longer it takes to happen.

Here it is: If you do not see linear, mutually intentional progression of the relationship toward a common goal of marriage, you simply cannot count on it happening. Attraction should remain even as emotional and even cognitive closeness increases. Without all of that in place, you’re flat-out kidding yourself.

So then, why would that other partner involved hang out in a long-term relationship that wasn’t going anywhere even under pressure from his or her partner to marry? I have “Three I’s” that represent options to theoretically explain why that would go on.

Insincerity could be the culprit, as I’ve personally seen countless instances of one partner enjoying the “convenience” of what the long-term relationship is offering even while actively cheating on the other partner.

Insecurity could also be a factor, hinging largely on the negative feelings associated with having to “start all over again with someone else”.

Finally, Immaturity could be a factor also, characterized by “living in the moment” for weeks that turn into months and years…all with no real idea of what one wants.

And you know, that third factor of immaturity contributes to another possible reason why a long-term relationship would end.

When two people enter into a relationship at a young age, both will undergo massive personal changes on the road to ultimately finding their respective personal identities. As people change, their priorities and attitudes change which in turn have massive ramifications on the viability of a long-term relationship. This is why so few “high school sweethearts” end up happily married forever and ever. And this is also why anyone who is yet in their teens or early twenties should always expect to enter an exclusive relationship with the lights on–constantly in touch with how personal development is affecting things.

Ultimately, however, the fact remains: When long-term relationships end, one of the partners was expecting “forever”, and will walk away with a broken heart.

If you have to end a long-term relationship, do it in person if at all possible, and make it very clear-cut and objective. There’s no need to rant or recite a checklist. After the break up happens, which we’ll assume is the result of serious soul-searching and a secure feeling in the desire to break up, your resolve must be strong. As related in the second part of this series, you’ve got to stick to your guns once you know the decision has been made.

If you are the one broken up with after a long-term relationship, my guess is that if you are honest with yourself you really could have seen it coming. And if not, then you’ve saved yourself a world of hassle later by breaking up with someone who is that controlled by whim and/or with whom you simply cannot communicate openly.

Finally, and significantly, when a long-term relationship ends you can expect a full-on grieving process to ensue. Anyone who has ever studied basic psychology is probably familiar with the “five steps in the grieving process”. And a jilted lover will run the entire gauntlet of denial, anger, bargaining and depression before finally accepting the situation.

What this means is that the partner who is broken up with will not simply “go quietly”. Phone calls as if nothing has happened or even unannounced knocks on the door are par for the course here.

After that stage, assuming the other partner hasn’t capitulated already to getting back together, more emotionally charged phone calls can begin taking place. If someone is hurt enough by what has gone on, you may even need to take legal action in the form of a restraining order in the interest of your own personal safety. I realize this sounds extreme, but after all “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”. William Congreve got that one right, except that he missed the fact that dudes can get pretty pissed off in their own right under such circumstances also.

From there you may get calls laced with grandiose promises, or even handwritten ten page notes. In extreme (and particularly pathetic) instances, the ex may even propose a scaled-back version of the previous relationship as an alternative to flatly breaking up. This can take the form of offers to let the other partner “see other people”, or even to resume the relationship at a purely sexual level.

If you have broken up with someone and encounter this kind of “bargaining”, remain strong and stand your ground. If you have been broken up with, resist the urge to “bargain” as such. Long-term self-respect will serve your emotional well-being better than whatever is achieved in the short-term by making such deals.

When the depression phase kicks in, there may be sobbing phone calls, but more likely a period of “getting over” the other person that is unseen by the former partner. Finally, the good news is that most of us do get over our exes and move on. And in a staggering percentage of cases, we’re glad we did.

If, however, you are still struggling with getting past a major breakup for years after the fact, know that you’re certainly not alone. That said, life is too short to live in the past. Give me a call or drop me a note to schedule some time with me. I can give you exactly the help you need to sort through all of that and move on.

Be Good,

Scot McKay

P.S. This brings our four-part series on breakups to an end. Please offer your feedback below, or drop me a note at smckay@xandycommunications.net. Next time, something completely different…

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• Scot McKay is a professional dating coach and founder of X & Y Communications.

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