Why Approaching Women Is So Puzzling

Filed Under Being Cool, Men Attracting Women, Men's Issues, Seduction

Putting The Pieces TogetherWe’ve done ourselves a disservice by assuming that each situation where we’re approaching a woman is going to be identical to any other.

But who can really blame us? It seems as if everything we’ve ever read on the subject prepares us for interactions with beautiful but bitchy women, who are typically saturated with “bothersome” male attention and are therefore eager to reject us.

Well, it’s time to tell the truth, once and for all.

The bold reality is that whenever you approach a woman, you’ve got a puzzle to figure out.

And each given scenario will have a unique solution because each woman is different.

In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that if you somehow have fallen into a pattern of encountering ONLY bitchy women who are eager to reject you, the solution might just involve looking in the mirror.

For what it’s worth, that’s good news. That means the future is under your control.

Remember, women follow your lead. Anytime you’re confronted with the same negative reaction repeatedly, the only conclusion that can reasonably be drawn is that you’ve somehow led.

I realize that isn’t easy to hear. Nevertheless, it should empower you. Here’s why.

Meeting Women Is Not A Crime


Positive approaches should lead to positive outcomes, unless the occasional woman really is inherently unfriendly or flat out lacking character. And if that’s the case, you’re better off without her. Think about it…what high-quality, well-adjusted human being (male or female) goes around snapping insults at people who are being reasonably friendly and positive in a social setting?

Honestly, it has been decades since I’ve experienced a rude, scathing rejection from a woman. In fact, I can’t remember if it’s ever really happened to me.

Mind you, I’m not the kind of guy who women would naturally fawn over. Any attention I’ve ever received from a woman has usually been proactively earned.

That’s why I can confidently assure you that if you give women eighteen inches of personal space, enjoy the human side of interacting with them rather than hammering a sexual agenda, and—most of all—come off as a normal human being instead of some sort of psycho you’ll generally find that women are friendly and happy to talk to you.

But nevertheless, every woman you meet will be a puzzle.

For starters, not every attractive woman is the social powerhouse we imagine her to be.

If she seems to be caught off guard when you approach her and failing for words, consider that she might simply be shy and reserved rather than put off by you.

Too many men flip out and back off when they see that reaction, when often a warm assurance was all that would have been necessary to lead into a positive interaction.

No doubt, you might not find any mention of “warm assurance” in old-school pickup manuals. But let’s just say that your typical pickup methods are simply not going to work on every woman.

Women who are shy may actually be EASIER to get to like you, given that they might be getting approached less often, even if the puzzle you have to figure out when approaching them might seem more complicated at first.

And hey, that’s just one example.

What if she’s a stone faced “non-reactor” rather than a bubbly, giggly type? I’m sure it’s not going to surprise you to hear that FAR more of the former type of women come to Emily wondering why men never talk to them, let alone ask them out.

But the crazy part is that we as guys tend to rationalize away approaching women and asking them out REGARDLESS of the situation, often due to fear: fear of loss, fear of the unknown, fear of social backlash, etc.

Even if we don’t fear the approach per se, we assume that if she’s on her own in public we’d be bothering her.

If she’s in a natural position to talk to us–like a waitress, bartender or flight attendant, for example–we rationalize that she’s already got too many guys hitting on her and/or that she’s paid to be nice.

Then if a woman flat-out throws herself at us, we tend to think she’s too easy and we’re repulsed.

NO MATTER WHAT, we rationalize away the opportunity.

Why do we do that? The problem isn’t the women, it’s us.

Rather than pausing, taking a breath and seeking to solve the puzzle before us, we instead fall prey to the puzzle WITHIN us.

And yet unfortunately, most of us are a lot like Bad Bad Leroy Brown: A mixed up jigsaw puzzle with a couple of pieces gone.

What sucks is that this spontaneous introspection causes us to freak out more than ever over what we perceive to be any weakness that’s likely to trip us up: opening, making conversation, kissing, what to do on a date, even penis size.

We avoid the baseline action that would send us hurtling toward our deepest fear at lightspeed. For men, approaching women is that baseline action, even though our true fear could be well upstream.

Here it is: I personally believe that when we view each woman as that SAME potentially bitchy sort who’s eager to reject us, THAT’S when were MOST likely to turn inward…reminded that we might not have all of our own “pieces” together.

Not only is there power in welcoming the expectation—and the challenge—that each new woman we meet will be a puzzle, there’s even GREATER power in turning our attention away from our own selves in that context.

When we openly recognize that ANYTHING can happen—and that’s not only okay, but potentially fun and exciting—we relieve ourselves of the burden of being the only “variable” in the equation.

Yes, you can mess up. But so can she. You can also recover, and so can she. Hell, you can even help her recover, if need be.

Two humans, multiple variables. Suddenly, everything doesn’t hinge on your performance alone, and the pressure is lifted.

Perhaps what I’m saying here sounds too simplistic. Maybe it occurs to you as yet another way to phrase what you’ve already considered before.

But my question is this: Are you DOING it out there in real life?

Does it excite you to treat each approach as a “blank slate” and figure each woman out individually, or are you still left gathering up your own pieces, all under the assumption that you’re going to run into the same-old wall as always?

Just for good measure, I’ve got a report for you that reveals five things women wish you knew when approaching them. Once you know these startling truths, I’m 100% sure that meeting women will magically become easier for you. Give it a look.

Let me know what you think. And ladies, I want to hear from you too.


Be Good,

Scot McKay

Meeting Women Is Not A Crime



Get my quick, 8-minute report.  I’ll send it straight to your inbox.

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4 Responses to “Why Approaching Women Is So Puzzling”

  1. Vincent

    Scot, reading your news letters or articles like this reminds why I’ve enjoyed reading from you over any other guru.
    I still remember years ago watching Mystery’s TV show and thinking “crap, I have to memorize canned openers and make up stories that put me in a dominant light.” When actually it should be as easy as you said. I can’t wait to read what you have to say in The Man’s Approach.


    • Right on, Vincent. When you get right down to it, men and women should have no problem talking to each other. We were literally born to attract each other so there’s nothing to fear but fear itself.


  2. It is not pleasant for a woman to turn down a
    man’s approach. Most women do not want to
    be hurtful. At a dance or party, it works better to wait for a woman’s signal that she is receptive. Have eye contact
    before approaching. Do not approach in lonely
    settings. She will be terrified of you. Friendly
    banter in public places as advised on this site
    is a great way to meet women, but give her
    enough personal information on you and give
    her more informal meetings before asking her
    out. An intelligent woman who values herself
    will not go off with a stranger she knows nothing
    about. Some women will give a trusted friend the
    info on a guy before they go out on a date; some
    want to do background checks.

    So one way to avoid rejection is to supply the
    woman with sufficient information on yourself so
    that, in today’s world, she can feel safe with you.

    I hate making this negative in the blog. But reality is


    • No worries, I appreciate your honesty. To be sure, making a woman feel safe and comfortable is a pillar of my “big four”, so you make a terrific point. I believe a lot of guys are so worked up over getting the process right that they overlook being observant in the moment. As such, perfectly good guys might operate like the proverbial “bull in the china shop” in a way that’s offputting to the woman they’re trying to meet. When she’s overwhelmed, they stick to the script and end up squandering what might have otherwise been a good opportunity.


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