Breakups, ending the relationship, moving on–the wild emotional roller coaster ride that follows or ensues during. It can be one of the toughest emotional deals to go through, or at least that is the thought of many while enduring it. I will discuss a few things in the following article of when it is time to break up, and how to move on. My experience in this area mainly deals with the male perspective, yet I am sure both genders can pick up something from this. I will give two scenarios that I am familiar with.
Scenario One Are you now in a relationship where you are constantly questioning whether or not you are happy? At night maybe you are dreaming of that blonde you saw in the park, or reminiscing about your old sweetheart from say college.
Chances are it is time to move on. Idealism and the “Hallmark Fantasy” are what may be blinding you here. By “Hallmark Fantasy” I mean you met this person, and it was great at first, but now it has lost its pizazz.
Hanging on like this is settling. It is also very dangerous. The other party may know the relationship has lost its spark. You have long discussions almost on the verge of heartbreak, yet heartstrings are pulled by the other and no break up happens. The other party agrees to make things better, to try the other’s activities.
Then for maybe a few weeks, you say everything is better, then it goes back into that old rut. The cycle begins again. The discussions, the emotions go up and down.
If you find yourself in this scenario, it is time to move on. The other party is not suited for you. They may be a great person, however they are not great for you.
Men usually hate to lose, and women know how to pull an emotional strings. Men see that happening and do not want to end it. So they keep trying. Stop the torture to yourself and move on. It will be difficult, but you should never settle…and your truly amazing person might be right around the corner.
Scenario Two It is a time of crisis in your life. I mean a true crisis, a death in the family, a horrible medical diagnosis, season ending injury, etc. This is a time in your life when you see your true friends come out and be there for you.
It is amazing though–and I thought I was the only one–but so many relationships go sour during this period.
Lets say a crisis has happened, and before this you thought your relationship was absolutely amazing. You saved up money for the ring, the sex is plentiful, everything is great. Then the crisis happens, your partner gives you the “I am not going anywhere” talk. You are so emotionally vulnerable the words ring strong inside of you. However, as is anyone during such a period you are irritable, you get frustrated, your emotional keel is broken.
Then your partner says you are not the same person anymore, that he/she is unsure of what they want.
Let me spell out what is starting there, M-A-N-I-P-U-L-A-T-I-ON and S-E-L-F-I-S-H-N-E-S-S. Its only going to get worse, and someone who is doing this most likely has a very surgical game of manipulation.
Why is this happening? Because the person in your life is displaying that they have a very low self esteem and an enormous amount of insecurities. Most likely the signs were missed. If you are in this scenario, get out now and do not look back. Take Scot’s well known TGR-R (The Golden Rule In Reverse) and employ it. Would you do what this person is doing to you? Not in a million years, right? Get out fast, and you will be amazed at how your true friends will rally around you and support you. The person doing this to you is highly toxic and you deserve better.
OK, so my next section, the break up has happened. Let’s say you are dumped, or you did the dumping, or you find yourself in a scenario above. I will cover as much as I can here.
First things first, I know and understand the emotional hollowness a break up causes. It’s probably the reason why there are so many great blues songs. You actually feel blue. I am mainly referring to relationships longer than six months, since that is usually when both parties have an emotional investment in the other.
So this is the time when you feel you want to grovel, beg or plead. You have limiting beliefs that there are no others who can satisfy you like that physically or emotionally. Its all a thought, it is created in your mind.
So the key is, respect the decision to break up. Stand by it, and right afte–whether you were dumped or you initiated the break up–keep all contact to a minimum. When you have that urge to call or text, call one of your closest friends. Focus on yourself, engage yourself into your passions and into your friends. Re-discover your social networks, and even work on expanding them.
People go through five phases of “grief” after a break up, 1. Denial, 2. Anger, 3. Bargaining, 4. Depression, 5. Acceptance.
Even a sweetheart will call you with anger. Understand that emotional storms are headed your way. Now if you are in scenario two, or someone cheated on you, end it calmly, and whatever you do, do not speak to them for at least 4 or 5 weeks. At the end of that time you will most likely have realized just how crazy you were to be affected by the other person.
You deserve better. Send them their stuff, move them out and send it to there parents or wherever. Just be ready for an emotional storm of manipulative messages coming your way. You have every right in this scenario to never speak to the other person again. I find if someone fits that scenario two, its like a hurricane is heading your way. Focus on yourself, and just silently brace against the storm.
You will not be able to reason with them, just like you cannot reason with a hurricane. If it is more like scenario one, keep all interactions short, give yourself a day to call back. Just focus on being calm and indifferent in the interaction. Each time you see or hear from your ex will almost be feeling like what I imagine is the feeling of a drug. Each time you speak all the feelings will rush in and overwhelm you, and make it harder for you to go through your stages.
Keep interactions short, be calm. Games will come your way. Focus on you. Go out and be passionate about one of your healthy activities. I also find working out helps, especially for the depression stage. Go out and get some exercise. It will get the endorphins going and be a great outlet.
In the early stages of anger and denial do not take it out on your ex in person. Write it out, listen to some music, and focus on yourself moving on. The most dangerous stage is bargaining, and the sexual kind is very potently dangerous. Resist it, and move on. Do not fall for it, just move on and focus on your life.
Breakups are hard, but usually for the best. Also, in any relationship shortly thereafter, keep things very light. You have to make sure you are grounded again, so that way you do not treat the next relationship as a crutch.
Again, Just focus on your own personal health and learning and growing from your past relationship. You are going to move on to more exciting things with a stronger sense of what you want, and also a stronger sense of how to read red flags.
Enjoy your newfound freedom and enjoy embracing a new dating perspective.
–Jim
