Most of my online research on the subject du jour uncovered articles by angry women whose baseline vitriol toward men was barely concealed under the surface. Predictably, the vast majority were specifically about what men should never say to women in particular.
I found myself reading enduring endless rants over purely innocent, and in many cases ostensibly innocuous (e.g. “you look beautiful tonight”) alleged mistakes by men who meant well, it’s just that they were apparently ill-equipped to read angry women’s minds Said angry women, in turn not able to read men’s minds, therefore assumed the worst, of course.
Yeah, well…if you’re at all worried this is going to be that kind of post, save your brain cells. I’m not an angry woman, nor have I been hanging out with any lately who could theoretically influence my thoughts.
Rather, this is a man-to-man post with the well-meaning brotherly intention of saving guys from clearly demonstrating they have zero skill with women whatsoever.
That means I’ll be sparing you any semblance of politically correct regurgitation, including but not limited to “dog-whistling” or “virtue signalling”. That said, I make no apologies for “triggering” anyone. After all, Job One here is watching out for your best interests as a man who loves women.
So let’s get on with it, already.
And by the way, I’m not limiting the list to what we should never say to women per se. What follows is a more pure rendering of what should never be said by a man period.
1) “She has the ass of a ten year old boy.”
The dozen or so times I’ve ever heard this uttered are a dozen or so too many. Each time I first cringed, then was left slack jawed in embarrassed disbelief.
This could be the creepiest thing I’ve ever heard more than one grown man say.
I mean, who among us is actually checking out ten-year old boys’ asses to begin with, let alone comparing them with grown, adult, sexually-mature women’s asses for the sake of sexual appreciation?
I don’t know, maybe it’s that I have both a ten-year-old son and a grown, adult, sexually mature woman in the house nowadays.
Nah, it’s not that. It’s that this is a completely wrong-headed (ass-inine?) saying that has been weirdly co-opted by socially inept men who overheard it elsewhere and somehow, in some twisted other-verse somehow thought saying it made them sound cool.
What it really does is make them sound like perverse pedophiles.
2) “My old lady” or “my ball and chain”, etc.
What you see is what you get. Either that or what you’re soon going to get, no thanks to your leadership.
Who marries someone they feel this way about?
Even assuming the guy actually loves his wife, it’s not worth repeating these tropes in an attempt to sound funny, cavalier toward one’s marriage and/or like it’s cool to completely disrespect women.
In that way it’s not unlike the next example.
3) “Put a bag on their head, bend them over and they’re all the same.”
Despite the steaming, fetid pile of problems with this statement to draw from, the most pathetic is indeed how men say this in hopes their utter lack of respect for women will make them sound macho to other guys.
But that aside, there’s the simple reality of the situation: The statement itself is dead wrong.
All it really does is blatantly announce how little real-world experience the speaker has with the female anatomy.
It’s not unlike how Steve Carrel’s 40-year-old virgin outed himself by saying that women’s boobies felt like “bags of sand”.
The breathtaking ignorance demonstrated here clearly reminds me of…
4) “…I grab them by the pussy.”
Here it is. If any of you reading this have ever, actually performed this move in the real world, please do me a solid and write me. I’m genuinely curious as to how you accomplished it.
I mean what, did you use your thumb and middle-finger like you were snagging a six-pack from the cooler at Circle K? Assuming so, did you require perfect timing, or did you just stun her in her tracks first? And how did you achieve the manual dexterity necessary to prevent her from shrieking back in pain?
Okay, I believe I’ve made my point.
But the most embarrassing part about that whole kerfuffle for Donald Trump wasn’t the “locker room” talk aspect of it, it was how he publicly demonstrated how little skill he has with women, and how bad he must be in bed.
Which brings us to this…
5) “Women don’t like sex”
No, it’s just that women don’t like having sex with whoever says this.
Sorry, but not sorry. Represent masculinity as women define it and respect women as human beings (if sexual ones) and you’ll see the veil lifted for yourself.
Unfortunately, this saying is yet another example of a self-incriminating statement pronouncing oneself completely incompetent with women. Kind of like the following example…
6) “There aren’t any feminine/good/virtuous women left (in my country).”
Yes, there are. I promise you.
And there are practically an unlimited supply of them everywhere, all over the world.
It’s just that you are either…again…not leading with masculinity as women define it, or you are leading with a negative expectation.
Once again, it’s a blatant telegraph that one is lacking skill at attracting and charming women.
I fully expect I’ll get impassioned protests on this one, probably from the MGTOW types. And yes, I understand your predicament without doubting the veracity of your claims. That’s precisely my point.
7) “Seal the deal”
I’m confident every man who says this is fully aware of how boorish it sounds. Yet huge numbers of guys say it anyway…and often.
Do these guys say this to impress each other? Perhaps, but I genuinely believe it all comes down to being sex-focused. As I’ve written about ad nauseam in the past, there’s no more certain ticket to sexual failure with women.
Think of it this way. What is this “deal” that’s being spoken of, anyway? You get laid, and she gets what in return, exactly?
Regardless, considering sex as currency and the act of having it a business transaction will invariably lead to a life of infrequent, bad sex…if any at all.
The “deal” should be that both partners have a mind-blowing, multi-orgasmic sexcapade. Unfortunately, and perhaps ironically, said “deal” is typically one-sided in the minds of men who talk openly about “sealing” it.
8) “Shitting” the bed
Okay, I fully get the urge to blurt out expletives while having sex.
But “shit” is not a mere meaningless expression. It’s solid human excrement.
That’s about the least sexually attractive mental image possible to bring up in the heat of the moment.
9) “So when are you expecting?”
Sociological research has consistently confirmed that there is really no way to tell for sure if she’s really pregnant or not.
Actually, I have no idea if that’s true. It’s simply wishful thinking on my part. I went looking for scholarly, erudite-sounding studies, but didn’t find anything scientific at all.
All that really means is maybe nobody knows for sure. So it stands to reason that one should play it safe, never putting oneself or the woman one is addressing in the potential position of extreme humiliation.
Sure, if she’s 5’10, 115lbs and has a basketball sized “baby bump” that she’s rubbing lovingly, you can make an educated guess.
But if I were you, I’d find a different subject of conversation anyway. I mean, what’s the point of taking the risk?
10) Commenting to women about being “on the rag”
As alluded to above, common wisdom exhorts us to avoid speaking on subjects about which we know relatively little, if anything at all.
Like pregnancy, menstruation would also be one of those topics for men.
Therefore, it stands to reason that bringing up said topic with women is a slippery slope to begin with.
But openly suspecting she might be experiencing it only exacerbates the issue, particularly if we’re protesting her irritability…precisely at the time when she’s likely to be most irritable.
And using a pejorative phrase like “on the rag” in context? That’s a bridge too far. Plan on her burning that bridge with a blowtorch.
11) Referring to women as “girls”
The irony is you can typically call a group of women “you guys” all day long without anyone thinking twice about it, especially in the UK.
Just don’t call them “girls”.
I fully admit that most women will probably not be offended by this one. In fact, lots of women call each other “girls” all the time.
It’s just that I really think you can’t ever go wrong by referring to fully-grown female-human beings as women. And believe me, grown women will notice your extra effort. I personally made a resolution years ago to stop referring to women as girls and the payoff in affection from women since has been tangible.
Having been in the world of competitive BMX racing for several decades now, it fries my circuits that the major sanctioning body for the sport in the US only recently began to acknowledge that female racers over 18 weren’t “girls” anymore. They actually used to have classes like “Girl Pro” and “56-Over Girl Cruiser”.
To this day, the top level amateur skill level for males is “Expert”, yet for females it’s “Girl”. My suggestions to the sanction that they change that to “Expert Girls” or “Expert Women” depending on age has been summarily rebuffed. But hell, we’re talking about a sport that back in the ‘80s called the “girl” classes “Powder Puff”.
12) The “c-word”. Ever.
I’ve brought this up before only to hear from a select few that using the “c-word” in bed actually perks up their sex life.
To each his or her own.
But generally speaking, one should generally never speak this amazingly harsh and disrespectful word. It says more about the one saying it than it does about whoever is being referred to.
Upon further consideration, it’s probably just as bad, if not worse, when a woman utters it.
13) “No offense, but…”
If you already know you’re likely to offend someone with what you’re about to say, why the hell would you go ahead with it?
What, do you think insulting people is going to help your social status? Yeah, I never saw a chapter on that one in a Dale Carnegie book.
I’m reminded of a bit years ago from Lewis Black, although similar jokes have been attributed to others. It was to the effect that if you happen across one asshole per day that’s probably normal. Two or three, maybe once in a while. But if it’s more that that you need to look in the mirror, asshole.
Knowing Lewis Black, I suspect he probably added “no offense” after the punchline.
14) “You look tired.”
In case this one isn’t self-explanatory, here’s a hint: Nobody looks better when they’re tired.
So basically, whenever someone says this they might as well just say, “Yeah, you look like shit.” If anything, such brutal honesty would likely be appreciated more than attempting to euphemize the issue in some tricky, potentially underhanded way.
Now don’t get me wrong. When you have a close, transparent, trusting relationship with someone, it’s altogether possible you can freely tell them when they look like shit. They might even appreciate the heads-up under certain circumstances.
The problem with this particular phrase, though, is it’s typically reserved for those we don’t know so well. Given the thinly veiled true meaning behind it, it’s almost always seen as the completely inappropriate statement it really is.
Let’s just say if you plan on getting anywhere with any women you’ve just met, if she seriously looks “tired” let actions do the talking. Be an agent for either helping her relax or taking her home so she can get some sleep.
15) “So…uh…how many other guys have you done this with?”
This last, late-breaking one is really the most disastrous iteration of whatever slut-shaming question or comment a guy might stammer in the moment, mostly out of personal insecurity.
For the love of all that’s good and wonderful in the universe, he’s finally about to “get laid” in accordance with all of his wildest dreams. But then…instead of actually enjoying the experience and (at least attempting) to assist her in doing the same, this?
Gentlemen, nothing will throw a bucket of cold water on a woman’s raging libido quite like making her feel judged and/or shamed right when she’s at her most vulnerable with you. Watch and learn as her “enthusiastic consent” transforms into an even more enthusiastic door slam on the way out. If you’re astute, the lesson will be about how women have every right to be as sexually adventurous as you do as a man, and the more you respect that the better your sex life will go.
Okay, so there you have it. I’m sure you can come up with other and possibly even more egregious examples, which I’m looking forward to hearing in the comments. After all, this started as a Top Ten list, which turned into a “dirty dozen”, in turn morphing into an “unlucky thirteen” before eventually topping out at fourteen. [Edit: then fifteen]. I figured I’d sat on this long enough and it was time to post.
So let me have it. And while you’re at it, tell me if any of these resonated with you in particular, or if you think I’m dead wrong. Just don’t tell me I look tired. I’m fully aware of that already.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
P.S. If you’re all about avoiding faux pas like these and charming women to no end instead, get your hands on this.
Really like this post from start to finish!
I have anecdotal “evidence” to suggest someone might be able to tell pregnancy. Much to my complete chagrin my father congratulated a man this summer on his pregnant wife. They both looked confused and embarrassed trying to explain they were not expecting. I was completely frozen in abject HORROR as my Dad doubled down and rubbed her belly and said “I thought because of this!” We were all mortified. Two weeks later find out the woman was at the time, 25 weeks pregnant and had no idea whatsoever. She delivered a healthy baby girl months later thanks to my Dad speaking up and causing her to make a doc appt. my Dad was cool as ice throughout. He was just certain she was pregnant and he was right.
That’s a crazy story. And he even rubbed her belly?
He did. I was so embarrassed for him. But to be fair, I have never ever seen him act like that before or since. While I don’t condone what he did at all, he was totally certain she was pregnant and he turned out to be correct.
Another good point in your post is about the word “girls” I work in an office that is 5 women and 2 men. The women all refer to each other as “the girls” but they do not like it at all when men refer to them that way. Company wide using the term girl is frowned upon, especially for men. Eliminating the word from your vernacular won’t just help ones personal relationships it will likely help one’s career.
Then what the heck am I doing wrong then? Do I have a filter as precise as the women? I find myself marking blocks in my head until she answers or behaves in a fashion that instantly turns me off. I’m looking for quality women since a no strings attached sex romp is easily accessible in today’s society depending on the city you live in.
While I do follow the rule of never referring to women as girls, I do sometimes use ‘gals’ and have even received a few positive comments from women saying they found this cute.
Kind of old-school, but I’ll admit I do the same on occasion.
This is an in-context observation, the difference between hearing something from ‘her man’ vs some random guy, but don’t underestimate the power of ‘My girl’. This can be positively swoon inducing if delivered in a sweet way.
Yes, you can absolutely use “girl” as a term of endearment. There would also be times when playfully calling her “girl”, accusing her of doing a “girl” thing, etc. would all work just fine. My point in the post refers more to general, or relatively serious conversation.
Gotcha.
Number two, in reverse, is arguably one of the best pieces of relationship advice for men (courtesy of you, Scot, of course.) I have heard you talk about it on a number of occasions, but as long as a man has chosen the right woman, he leads her in the relationship and creates his own happiness or misery.
It is amazing how when you take a great woman and build her up, tell her that she can achieve anything and support her in her dreams, that she starts doing those incredible things you told her she could do. Her confidence skyrockets, she gets even more attractive and she adores you that much more.
Contrast that with what I hear too many guys doing which is making making negative comments about the woman they are with, calling them names and not supporting them. Is it any wonder that they become exactly the ugly “B” word you have been calling them? I digress.
As a potential add:
* Calling the woman you are with any kind of a name such as the “B” word, ugly or anything else you do not actually want her to become.
This ties in to number 2, but instead of telling friends, this would be telling the woman herself those things. Not good. Self-fulfilling prophecy.
Love the list. Good work.
Yes, your point is most certainly well-taken. In the spirit of the post, I limited it to certain phrases. But yes, saying anything disparaging to one’s spouse is not unlike placing a fast-food order. (You want fries with that?)
BTW, this really isn’t as gender-specific as one might think, is it? If a guy’s wife calls him a lazy bastard enough times, he might very well find himself relaxing in the notion and owning it.
You should really be given the mangine of the year award.
It’s spelled “magazine”. Ha!
But seriously, I can’t wait to hear your elaboration on this one. I can only assume you disagree with one or more of the 15.