Over Thanksgiving, I was in my hotel room flipping through the small amount of channels on the television. I stopped on one of those morning shows. You know the typical ones. The people are over the top happy, Rachael Ray cooks a roast in two minutes, and corny jokes are made.
So right before I was about to change over to Sportscenter, I heard that they were bringing on two dating experts to talk about a couple of things. The topics to be discussed were: what it means when he is crying, why he texts you, first date manners, and what is he or she really saying.
I had to stay tuned in. After the commercial, the two “experts” were there. It was a guy and a girl. The guy was a very metro looking guy who was a DJ on Cosmo satellite radio. Strike one and two, trust me. The girl I believe either worked for Cosmo magazine or something similar to that nature. Before they opened their mouths I had an open mind to see what they had to say. Needless to say, before I get into it, they began arguing with each other like two 8 year olds.
The guy said, “Oh always pay for a really nice and big fancy dinner the first date. Bring her flowers, pay her lots of compliments, buy expensive wine.”
She said “Oh yes, certainly a guy should do that, buy us a lot of stuff. If it goes well maybe we will be in touch.” I wanted to reach through the screen and put a red flag on top of her head. I also wanted to reach through to the guy and shake some sense into him.
The first date etiquette was bizarre. Each time he said something she would pipe in and want something more. He would apologize and say your right and then he would go on saying “oh yeah the first couple of dates pay for a lot.” She smiled and went further to say “oh yes pay for everything.”
I could tell if this guy put his foot down and was a man, she would not have pushed that issue. She was testing him and he failed…miserably. She even went on saying how dating is fun for free meals.
However viewers were watching this, and possibly taking it seriously.
They got into texting and she said something true, which was us girls prefer a call. True, a call is always best, however sometimes you have time constraints, so a text in that situation is fine. Also texting is great for flirting. He then argued and said, “Well you text all the time.” She said, “True. I am girl, I am allowed to text.”
This is what started the argument. She then showed her character issues. She said texting most likely means he is with another girl. WHAT? He tried to argue back, like an 8 year old, and said, “We are not available. What if you are with another guy?” At this point, I was laughing my head off. Here are two so called “experts” of relationship advice, arguing with each other over something so ridiculous. They both showed major character issues and an insurmountable amount of insecurity.
When they went into a guy crying I could not believe it. I thought they were going to discuss a major issue. I mean a traumatic death or reflecting on a loved one’s past. Oh no. This crying was crying about no call back from her. Or crying during an argument.
They started to bicker again. He tried to claim how girls wanted men to be emotional so guys need to cry. She was claiming they should not be like that but crying a lot during apologies. That made no sense. All I could envision at this time was the theme song to The Good and the Bad And The Ugly playing, then entire X & Y Team showing up out on the set.
After this, being my curious self, I went and looked at a lot of mainstream advice. Just like these two on the television, there is a lot of horrible advice out there. No wonder why divorce rates are high, so many people cheat, and couples therapists make a lot of money.
My conclusion of mainstream dating advice is basically that it is all drivel and confusion. How these people are “experts” is based upon nothing. An editor says, “Hey, you look like you may know something, you be our dating expert.”
It would be like the Air Force going to a taxi driver and declaring him to be the new stealth bomber pilot. In other words.
I will also say, men’s magazines give the absolute worst advice. Women’s magazines are far better. Though here is some food for thought guys. Women will test you, for good and bad. They want to see if you are a wimp, or a real deal. Or if they have character issues, they will test how far they can get away with. Their magazines give them a good playbook, believe me.
On the communication thing, well they skipped that because at that point they were arguing too much. So unfortunately not much to report there. …Other than he had zero concept of conflict resolution, and she was just a walking red flag at this point.
More or less this is a bit of rant from me. A lot of these “mainstream” experts have no idea. The good people here in this community have an idea. We are the grizzled veterans. We have had the ups and downs; we have pushed the envelope from one side and to the other. All on the path to becoming the best man or woman we can be, to deserve what we want.
So that way, when we are faced with a woman like I mentioned seeing on the show, we can spot her character issues right away and say “next”. Or a good woman can spot the metro guy, and also say “no” and go on her way to find a real man.
If you want my response to the topics of first date etiquette, texting, crying, and communication, that’s simple. First date, get to know the person, go window shopping, have a coffee, walk through a bookstore, guys take the lead, have a plan and observe.
Texting? Nothing wrong with a bit of flirting or being playful. You can also drop a note saying you made it home safe, or that your meeting is running long. Just don’t have a conversation on text. I keep it to 3 or 4 MAX with the messages. Also, if you get her number, call her the next day. There is no magical “wait three days” or something. Be a man, call her the next day and then move to the date. She wants you to call, so be a man and do it.
Crying? Well guys, if you have had a major traumatic experience…yeah, some tears may be shed. A good woman will understand, and all the while connect with you. That is powerful when it happens, believe me. If she says your a wimp then or emotionally unstable, that is messed up. However you keep your cool, and your crying is part of your passion I see nothing wrong with that. As long as your not some wimp and crying that you have a paper cut. I have had a back injury and occasionally it pings the heck out of me, on a date I am not falling to my knees weeping uncontrollably. If you are crying in an argument over why she is not calling you back, put the wine cooler down, get some Clint Eastwood westerns, some Steve McQueen films, some Sean Connery Bond, as well as some of the stuff available here at X&Y Communications. Because its time to change your life around for the better.
Communication? Well guys, that is a whole ‘nother article. There are a lot of e-books out there on it. Here are some quick tips, though: listen, observe, and keep the conversation on one track. If the conversation stays on one track, you can really find out how deep a person is.
Well people, be aware of bad dating advice, and hopefully some of you see just how ridiculous mainstream advice is at times. At X & Y we will do our best to give you the best guiding light there is. Trust me, Scot and I do not argue like 8 year olds in regards to texting. Nor can any of us on the team cook a roast in two minutes. Have fun gentlemen.
–Jim
Because of this mindset I’ve declined being quoted in Cosmopolitan and other women’s magazines in South Africa. I would rather people find my own blog and read about it.
Ramon Thomas’s last blog post: Avoiding long distant relationships
I totally agree with you.. never ever buy flowers / dinner for the first date. In fact it probably shouldn’t even be called a ‘date’, just a ‘hang out’ session where you talk over drinks or coffee and just get to know each other. Exactly like you said, the guy should have a plan, do some window shopping etc.