As promised in Part One, let me give you an example from my Saturday night.
One group was sitting awkwardly at the bar, in a big circle they made with a bunch of meathead looking guys to their right. I could not tell if they were friends or not.
One other girl looked completely miserable, while her friend was completely coddled by a guy. Yet another girl gave me a huge long up and down look then she went to the bar and was nearly lying on it talking to the bartender.
A second group, well they all had on rings and then their husbands came over.
In another group was a cute bunch of girls who just walked in, and were smiling and laughing.
Now, I was hoping the band would take a break soon because it was simply way too hard to talk. I had surveyed my options, and it was almost like a fun version of “musical chairs”.
So back to group one. They were sitting weirdly at the bar and one guy seemed to have a girlfriend in the group. I said, “Let’s walk around, they are not going anywhere for a bit.”
Now I have no problem approaching a group with guys but I like to study it a bit before deciding on a plan. Basically I look for wedding bands, really drunk guys or girls in the group, or an argumentative group.
Once talking to them, a key I look for is if the girls are kinda interested when talking to them, with matching body language. When I see that, I know I have an opportunity to open the group and basically just begin talking.
While considering all this, my buddy said, “Well, we passed the three second rule and she probably saw us walk by a few times”.
Now here is my thing. Yes, I believe you have to approach quickly so as to not talk yourself out of it. Some guys will talk themselves out of the approach mainly because they think they walked by too many times.
Granted you do not want to walk fifty circles around one girl. But on the other hand, if you are simply being social and walking around, no one is going to notice.
So when I was wondering about that group I mentioned, my friend said again, “You walked by a couple of times they probably noticed so forget it”. Now that is a limiting belief.
People in general are so focused on themselves that they often forget to even observe what is around them. If you are reading these blogs, you have a major advantage because most likely you are making mental notes and not being self conscious. People are concerned with their own looks, their own conversations, and all types of self distractions. As such, they are often not going to notice things around them. MOTOS tend to be concerned with a lot of self esteem things, while men are usually concerned with not looking stupid.
I made eye contact with a few of these girls for sure, but it’s not like, “0h man, its been 3 seconds I blew it, if I approached now they would just reject me”. They were focused entirely on themselves. After I explained that to my wingman, he said he never thought of it that way. In fact, he said he was no longer self-conscious after considering that. AHA, exactly. I noticed he soon relaxed after that.
Ever notice a group of guys at a bar, just sort of making a slow herd movement towards a group of girls? With awkward eye contact at best, they look at other guys around sizing them up as they kinda keep drifting towards the girls. That is noticeable and completely lame.
I have no idea how we as guys happened upon this method–and it sure didn’t take an e-book to come up with it. Call it the “law of natural entopy”, but I used to do it. It’s behaving as if some magic thing would happen and conversation would strike up.
Girls notice what’s going on right away. They see that as lack of confidence and it projects desperation.
Also remember that if you see guys in the group, chances are they are not together. I like to try to just ask the whole group a question. Like I mentioned, the guys generally just leave. I call it “alpha-ing the other guys out”.
This is not to be confused with being a jerk or anything. If the guys stay, talk to them and enjoy the moment. You may have a truly interesting conversation.
So I picked out a few options as far as women to talk to within the group, hoping that when the band took a break I could finally deploy. The girl that was lying down on the bar was thrown out. Nice.
Now therein lies a good example of why my looking for options was better than the rigidly following the “3 second rule”.
The band stopped. Time to deploy.
I walked over and asked the girls in “Group One” for a female opinion on why guys have a tough time approaching women. The conversation was interesting, it was playful. Out of the group one girl was clearly of the opinion that all men are pigs, one actually had really interesting thoughts on it, and yet another was talking about how the guys doing the “herd thing” are weird.
It was interesting, it was fun. I listened, I observed, and I had a fun time talking to them. The conversation was mainly about dating and approaching. They ate it up. As soon as I opened my mouth, The “herd” of guys all dropped there heads, said “forget it” and took off. Bear in mind, this was a group of guys I heard in the bathroom bragging about how they were gonna get lucky, blah, blah, blah.
So when the band was coming back I said, “You know what, I really enjoyed this conversation but we won’t be able to talk after the band comes back on, so here–type in your number and we will continue it later.
A test came in the form of, “What if I type in a fake number?” I smiled with a small laugh and said, “Well then, give me back my phone. I don’t have time for games or for people who are not cool with hanging out and enjoying life. I could care less if you don’t want to give me your number, I figured you might be cool to hang out with.” She just smiled and said, “Where is the backspace button because I want to type in my real number now.” She did, she called her phone with it, said sorry if she came across as rude, and told me to call her to hang out.
What is my point? Have fun, think on your feet, and ask something a little bit different. Listen. Enjoy the interaction for what it is.
You are going out to have a good time, and a few drinks. Your game is much better without a lot of alcohol actually, and I find it to be a lot more fun to approach and talk to women when I’m not hammered.
One girl in the group I asked the question to wondered if my line was a pick up line. I laughed and asked her, “Should it be…and what is on your mind?” She was blown away, becoming very bashful after that.
Be playful. If asked about work, play with it a bit. Say you are a “superhero” or a “ninja”. The reaction is funny. Then say what your job is, but what I then move onto is next saying what my real passions are: guitar, s kiing, music, etc. That usually leads to MOTOS asking questions and really talking about their passions.
If you are rejected, learn from it. It is vast powerful knowledge. The question of “can I get a quick female opinion on something?” is still great, even though some would argue it’s overused. Ask about dating in general, be fun and ask about a girl you met at Starbucks. Have fun with it.
Rejection. Enjoy it if it happens, and learn from it. It is a powerful weapon in your mind if you accept it.
At a bar or other social setting in the evening, there are no set rules for approach. Observe your surroundings. Look for spots to talk, look for an open group. Notice smiling warm faces. If you see a group of guys “herding”, look around them because generally they might have done the work for you finding a nice group to talk with.
Open up, ask an opinion. There is enough information out there in the Community in terms of questions to ask as text, or just ask something original that is on your mind.
Then listen, observe, have fun, and remember to “deploy”. By that I mean a few things. You can take the number, or you may not be interested after all…so leave, and say you enjoyed it.
Another key thing. If you get the number, leave. Be a little unavailable and avoid a protracted conversation that could lose their interest. Most importantly, enjoy yourself.
Let me know if you have any questions on this. Hope to hear and learn from you guys soon.
–Jim
Wow, great post Jim. I think the guys who were in that bar but were scared to approach would pay big bucks to find out what was on you mind as you describe it here!..
My personal preference is to stay for 5 min after I’ve taken the girl’s number, especially if it was a long-ish conversation. The rationale behind it is to differentiate myself from other guys who were there just after her phone number, and to show that I’m comfortable with the situation…
S.