What New-School Women’s Birth Control Means To Men

Posted on May 23, 2008
Filed Under Hilarious, Product Reviews, Relationship Management |

I think it’s time someone talked about women’s birth control from a man’s perspective.

Yeah, yeah. I understand that what a “woman does with her own body is her own business”, etc. But that doesn’t mean we as guys aren’t going to have opinions about it.

After all, by definition, we’re affected. At least somehow.

And never before have we been MORE affected than these days, when women’s birth control has become as much of a “fashion accessory” or something as a practical solution to preventing pregnancy.

So here it is. We have “ribbed” condoms, flavored ones and so forth…which only goes to show that contraceptives are everyone’s business after all.

So if women’s interests can potentially be met by male contraception, it’s time for us guys to have a voice.

1) The Patch

The birth control patch apparently works well, and fast. But this is not meant to be a dry, clinical piece on objective functionality and medical pros/cons. So let’s get to the point.

The point is that I don’t want to see a big ol’ sloppy Band-Aid ™ on her tail section. And no apologies either. A good, well-placed whack at key moments just doesn’t quite resonate the same way (literally or figuratively) when that thing’s stuck there. And since most women and men are right-handed, this just underscores my point. If that last sentence didn’t make sense, think about it until it does.

So ladies, if you must use The Patch, I fully get you’re trying to make it discreet so you don’t look like you’re healing from road rash or something. But it can’t go back there either.

And since I’m at a loss for recommending a better place for it myself, I feel your dilemma. Especially since even if you decide to just yank the patch off and chuck it there tends to be a nasty mark for a while. It’s as if some mutant square-faced leech has been macking away at you. Nice.

2) The Ring

Formally branded “NuvaRing“, nothing quite takes the “ce” out of “contraception” like this contraption.

Yes, it works, and it’s probably a major improvement upon diaphragms and IUDs.

But you don’t think it adversely affects your sex life, guess again.

First and foremost, don’t listen to your gynecologist, who will probably tell you that “you won’t be able to feel it, and neither will your guy.”

Whatever.

That theory goes out the window the first time “your guy” pulls out wearing the thing. Bulls eye.

Me: “It looks I won the ‘ring toss’ game. Where’s my big teddy bear?”

Her: “[gasp] OMG…that wasn’t supposed to be possible! LOL Here, let me put it on the nightstand/dashboard/kitchen counter/shower head”

Unfortunately, you only get three hours worth of a “time out” from that thing before the whole transaction is null and void and all bets are off. Ouch.

Speaking of “ouch”, if you just leave The Ring in and deal with carnival games, there’s always the off chance that Louis Leakey is going to find it right at an inopportune moment…sideways. Let’s just say that’s a mood killer.

And we won’t talk about the likelihood of finding “temporarily” removed rings on the carpet by the bed with lint all stuck to them. Uh oh.

So what’s a woman to do? Sure that’s your business, ladies. Then again, we could wear latex condoms even if you’re viciously allergic, couldn’t we?

But we won’t. And we’d appreciate if you’d stick to the pill if at all possible, please.

And by the way guys, don’t be talked out of wrapping that rascal, either by her or by yourself.

And if she says, “I’m on the pill so you don’t have to pull out”, there’s no proof like solid evidence in the form of a pill case with the “numbers matching”.

At least you have tangible evidence with rings and patches, huh? Well, that’s at least one in the “plus” column for them. Draw your own conclusions.

Be Good,

Scot McKay

P.S. Emily (who is ring and patch free, thank you) and I are off to Mexico for a week of vacation. Don’t complain. We’ll be WAY less cranky when we get back all refreshed. Everything will run “business as usual” at the X & Y Communications Shop however, thanks to the magic of the Internets.

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• Scot McKay is a professional dating coach and founder of X & Y Communications.

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