For the longest time I was frustrated. I wanted people to take an interest in me. After all I thought I was interesting. I had just returned to the states after two years living abroad. I thought I was a master conversationalist with the most interesting topic in the world: Me.
Little did I know I was ignoring the needs of everyone I met. It turns out they didn’t want to talk about me. They wanted to talk about themselves.
Then I learned the trick to connecting with people is to take an interest in them. There are specific ways to do this and today I will share them with you. Without further ado, I present:
Universal Conversational Skills (i.e. the ones that work with anyone, anywhere)
1) Ask open ended questions
An open ended question is something you can’t answer with just a yes or a no. If you ask someone, “Do you like this place?” you are inviting a yes or no answer. Unfortunately this doesn’t give much to go on. “What do you like about this place?” is a better one. When I ask a leading question I always try to emphasize the positive. It works.
2) When you ask a question, pause, wait for a response.
Nothing says you don’t expect or care about an answer by charging into the next question before the current one is off the table. Make sure you give the other person a chance to answer, or rephrase the question if it was apparently unclear or misunderstood.
3) Your new goal: find out something special about every person you meet!
So I mentioned my big mistake–I wasn’t tuned into the other person. I was more interested in myself than anyone new. You can imagine how far that got me. The better idea: make it your goal to find out something special about every new person you meet.
Rules 1 and 2 are the path to accomplishing this. I’ve found everyone has a story they are waiting to tell. Find this story by expounding on their hints.
For example, If you ask, “What do you like about this place?”, one may reply “Its nice but nothing like the cafes in Europe.”
In response to that, you may follow with, “Really? when were you in Europe?”
The other person may respond with, “I lived there.” At that point you can pick up the conversation in any number of ways.
Here is one last tip: Don’t be afraid to ask questions or make statements that assume an answer. This moves the conversation faster and when you guess wrong your new friend will correct the assumption. This is a way of asking two questions in one. It also shows you’re paying attention.
For instance, in the above example you may have said, “You know a lot about Europe. It sounds as if you might have lived there?”
Showing interest is like showing respect. Once you do it, others will tend to gladly return the favor.
So give it a try: Use open ended questions, wait for the response, and search for the story of everyone you interact with. You don’t need their life story. Just get that something special.
This works with waitresses, bank tellers, coworkers, parents, and best friends.
Go out and rediscover your fellow human beings.
–Austin
