A few years ago when I was just starting on this journey to becoming a man who is successful with women, I studied a lot of material on the structure of “outer” game. As many people here would know, a lot of various seduction-related sources agree on the general structure of the game. This can be loosely divided into the following sections: opening, building attraction, qualification, developing rapport or comfort & trust, and seduction.
At the time, I learnt a lot of canned lines and stories to be told during each of these stages to successfully progress to the next “level” in the seduction process. And I must tell you, I had a few issues with this approach.
Mainly, I felt that a lot of the material was totally incongruent to my personality, and instead of showing my real myself, I was presenting a girl with some kind of artificial “Pick Up Persona”. This persona was also extremely hard to maintain when I met the girl the next time, or to develop a relationship with the girl. And as honesty and authenticity are my core values, no wonder that I didn’t enjoy much that kind of game.
Later on I discovered that I can attract and connect with women by being my real, authentic self. Not only the process of relating to women became much more enjoyable, there was no need anymore to pretend to be someone I am not.
However, looking back at my journey, I still appreciate what those years in the pick-up community gave me, and I believe that for guys who have recently started on their journey to success with women, it would be useful to see the structure in their interactions with women. Below is the summary of the structured authentic game method that I developed based on the variety of sources.
Ok, as the title assumes that there is in fact a structure to this method, let’s go step by step.
1. Opening
This is the first step where you approach a girl and strike a conversation with her. You can either comment on the situation you’re both in, ask her a question, or express a direct interest in the girl here. The important thing is whatever opener you use, make sure that it is genuine. I.e. if you ask her for an opinion, make sure that you’re actually interested in her answer. No point asking every woman “Who lies more, women or men?” if you don’t actually give a damn about their answer. The same goes for direct openers, they must be a genuine expression of your interest in the girl, not just a random compliment… The important thing to realise here is that the exact wording of the opener does not really matter, what matters much more is its delivery (e.g. pitch, pace, pauses, etc.) and your body language (see Body Language: From Russia With Love by Jim Dalton for more information).
To give you an example, the opener that I sometimes use during the night time when I want to chat to a group of girls is “Hi, you seem fun, are you friendly?” Here, I am genuinely interested in whether the women are fun and friendly, and if the answer to my question is anything other than “Yes”, than I’d wish then good night and move on, because I have no interest in talking to boring or unfriendly people.
2. Attraction
This is generally considered the second step of the process. The goal of this stage is to spark and develop attraction towards yourself in a woman through various tools, such as storytelling, teasing, humour, fun games, etc. Again, structured authentic game presupposes that whatever you do at this stage should be totally congruent to your personality. So how can you convey your personality in an authentic way? I believe that teasing and humour is something that any man would do naturally when he is being himself at his best. You can joke around with your male friends, don’t you?
As for stories and games, I see nothing wrong with doing you homework here. This means actually remembering some interesting episodes from your life, which would convey to a woman your attractive qualities, such as confidence, leadership, ability to protect loved ones and being on purpose in life. All of us have such stories, it’s just a matter of remembering them. Personally, I have probably about 15 stories from my life that I tell women fairly regularly, and that convey my genuine personality, qualities and interests to a woman. These stories are 95% true, I may sometimes add some minor “imaginary” details, just to spice them up a bit.
In addition to stories, think what kind of games you like to play or things you like to do yourself. Personally, I enjoy showing a woman a few salsa steps, as this way I can straight away estimate how compatible we are on a physical level. Anything like “thumb wars” or “slaps” can be fun and will add a fun vibe to the interaction.
3. Qualification
Once the girl is attracted to you and compelled to continue the conversation, you would naturally want to find out more about her to see if she meets your criteria for a girlfriend. Because as a man who’s got standards, you’d be looking for a woman who possesses some specific qualities. Hence, you would need to encourage a woman to talk more about herself and demonstrate her attractive qualities to you. It is also important to show her that you are interested in her not just because of her looks like most other guys, but because of her unique personal qualities.
So the first step here is to do your homework and write down a list of qualities / attributes that you want the women you date to have, as well as a list of deal-breakers. This list can be separated into “must have’s” and “prefer to have’s”. For example, “fun” and “adventurous” are my two of my “must have’s”, whereas “bitchy” and “boring” are a couple of my deal-breakers.
The second step is to devise the questions / tests to recognise whether a woman satisfies those qualities that are important to you. For example, if you’re looking for a woman with an interesting lifestyle, then you may ask her “what do you do for fun?”, or if you’re looking for an adventurous woman, you may ask “what is the most adventurous thing you have done this summer?”
If you like the answers you get to these questions, then you can choose to extend you interaction with a woman further, if not – wish her a good day and move on.
4. Comfort & Trust
Once you’re sure that the woman you met is someone you would like to get to know further, it is time to develop deeper rapport in the conversation and to build more comfort & trust. As you know, it is important for most women to feel safe with the guy and trust him in order to take things to a sexual level.
This is the part of the seduction process where you would explore your commonalities with a woman and naturally share some of your life stories. During this stage you discover how your beliefs and values relate to those of the woman you’re interested in. Again, I see nothing wrong with doing your homework here and deriving several topics you’d like to converse on and some stories from your life to tell. Personally, I like to cover a variety of topics, such as travel, interests, relationships, jobs, family, etc. Some topics are there to explore in depth, e.g. relationships. As at the moment I am dating a few women, I would like the woman to know the status quo here, as well as to find out her viewpoint and current relationship situation.
Another useful model to keep in mind is to make sure that you talk about four various time periods of your life: childhood, teenage / college years (or more recent past), your present life, and future aspirations. This allows to develop a feeling that you have known each other for a long time.
The natural progression of the deep comfort that is based on mutual attraction between a man and a woman, is the physical escalation and kissing. The important point here is to take the lead and to actually kiss a woman when the moment feels right.
5. Seduction
Once you got to know a woman, there can be two options: you may either decide to leave things at the “just friends” level, or escalate the interaction to the sexual level. In case you choose to pursue a sexual relation with the woman and you have every reason to believe that the woman is similarly inclined, you would need to shift up the gear here… In the spirit of an authentic game, I believe that if you’ve been relating to a woman genuinely and congruently up to this point, the rest can be left largely due to instinct. What I mean is that it’s crucial to get out of your head and into your body, and trust your unconscious mind to feel in the gaps.
At the same time, having some structure is good here too. Keep the logistics under control, make sure your house is nice and tidy, and plan your date at least loosely. Once everything is prepared, and the intention for the date set, you’re ready to unleash your charismatic, authentic self onto the world, and all will just fall in place.
Concluding remarks
I’d like to point out that your interaction with the woman does not have to necessarily obey this linear structure that was described. For example, during the day time I typically start conversation with the woman by expressing my interest in her directly, e.g. “Hey, you look cute, what’s your story?” This way I skip (or otherwise assume) attraction and move straight into the qualification stage of the process. However, I would then tell girl a nice story or tease her on something to further develop the attraction.
Have an adventure!
Your friend,
–Dr. Sasha
drsasha@deservewhatyouwant.com
Great post, some very good points that show how natural it can be.