Two limiting beliefs come to mind for me in night game, and any time overall, really.
These involve rejection and the so-called rules of approach. Too many times we wrap ourselves up in both of these things with certain stigmas and beliefs and end up adding way too much to the whole thing.
Rejection: In my opinion, rejection is your greatest tool to learn how to move forward. Yet, society shows and tells a different story.
We have seen it, right? Guy goes up to girl, drink is thrown. This is so rare in reality, but guys really do think it will happen.
More realistic is this scenario. Guy talks to girl, girl blows off guy. Guy goes and complains about it to his buddies, they say, “Well you tried.” Guy goes home and feels self pity and complains more…to himself.
Stepping over these thoughts and losing the emotional grip rejection has is the key.
Rejection, as I said, is a powerful tool.
I keep what I call an observational/emotional journal. I noticed that when I wrote down details about rejections, observed how I felt and what I felt could be improved, and followed with positive self-affirmations, I began to make exponential progress.
It was amazing to me that I began seeing the very real value of rejection.
If you are rejected, make a mental note of it. Keep in mind the “rejector” could simply be having a horrific day. Maybe she is a mental case or she is anti-anything cool.
Remember, you just saved yourself a lot of time to allow yourself to move on to the next thing…armed with more knowledge.
When you are rejected, note the following: How did you feel? How was your delivery? What were your strong points and where could you improve? What was the environment?
I generally like to observe it a few minutes later. I highly recommend keeping a tangible, written journal to really grasp it. I personally ike to write about it the next day.
Another great help is if you have a wingman or friend who knows you well and can observe. When I am engaging with MOTOS, one of my buddies will observe what is going on. Now he is not exactly quiet and he is engaged in the conversation. Yet, he also observes, as do I.
Then after the conversation, we ask each other what was good, what was weak, gather any other personal thoughts and then we move on.
Sometimes you have to be careful not step on each other’s toes. If you see something drastically wrong from the sideline, you kinda have to keep mum until the time is right. It is hard not to, but remember your buddy is learning as are you.
Guys, take rejection and learn from it. It is a powerful learning tool that most never utilize.
You will be rejected. Even the best are at some time. But when you learn from it, and keep at it, your success will be even greater.
To get better at it, you are going to have to be rejected a lot. When I first started this process of getting better with women I was getting rejected a lot. Then I learned, I fine-tuned myself, and although things tend to go much better nowadays I still face rejection from time to time.
It’s like driving a standard shift. Keep working on it, then you will have a feel for it. Dare I say it, enjoy rejection and know you just learned valuable information either about yourself or about the person who made the mistake of rejecting you.
Approach Rules: Saturday night I was with my buddy, and we were surveying the scene.
The band was so loud it was impossible to think, let alone converse. A few things came to mind Sunday morning.
With all that is written in this Community, I find people will begin to limit themselves with rules about approaching, thereby basically talking themselves out of approaches.
Here’s what I do when, for example, the situation is what it was this past Saturday night. I like to sometimes look at a few different options when it is too loud.
These work particularly well if you know the band will take a break, or there is a part of the bar away from the music a bit.
Instead of leaning against the wall hoping someone walks by, go out and survey–be on the fly. If you are sitting down, observe around you.
On Saturday night the band was playing a little too loudly, I decided to survey potential spots to hopefully open conversation with some MOTOS. I did not tell my buddy this, as he was walking around with me.
I like to study the social dynamics certain groups. Mainly I like to see a good warm vibe going on. Whether it is eye contact or maybe a smile, I prefer smiling faces.
I also try to observe the guys on the group to see if they’re the real deal, and usually they are not. Guys will generally form a “herd” around girls in hopes of working up some type of courage to talk to them.
Also if you are confident and go into such a group, 9 times out of 10 the guys will leave. So after surveying this past Saturday night I noticed a few groups of girls. Normally this bar has an open patio that is very chill, where it is much more of a happy hour feel versus a nighttime bar feel. But the patio was closed so I decided to approach some groups and then just flow.
Remember guys, always be thinking on the fly. Do not subject yourself to a limiting belief because something that fits your standard “routine” is not available. Think on your feet and adapt.
Above all, enjoy where you are, remember you are just out having fun.
In Part Two, I’ll give you a real-life example from last Saturday night.
–Jim
Definitely, improve how you utilize rejection and you’ll instantly improve your game.
Style Habits’s last blog post: The Secret To Great Fitting Shirts
Scoping out the club is a good idea, however, many guys will enter a bar and do the prowl. you have all seen it, where they are analysing everything, and dont look like they are having any fun, by the time they get all the way around to where they started their social value has dropped in the entire club. A more effective way of scoping the club is when you enter head somewhere. The bar, the bathroom, somewhere, then grab a seat. From this seated position you usually get a good view of the people around you, and hopefully when you walked in on your way to the bar or whatever you were also noticing where the groups of people were.
I like this line
always be thinking on the fly
i’d like to add another
Always be in the moment
Dave