The more guys I talk to the more it really hits home how many dudes out there really have a hard time relating to their dads.
And by “relating” I mean either identifying with OR communicating with…and in a multitude of cases BOTH.
For so many, the old adage that “you’ll end up just like your parents some day” seems more of a threat than a promise.
That’s too bad.
In a world where over 50% off all guys report having NO male role model to speak of, fewer and fewer men can honestly say they look up to their father in that regard…obviously.
Honestly, a huge number of boys grow up without a father figure in their life at all. So obviously, if there IS no dad it’s impossible to “relate” to him.
But even when you know exactly who your father is and where to find him, the relationship can go awry.
Never mind the fact that the father’s role in child development has been marginalized nowadays, leaving many men convinced that their presence just doesn’t matter in their kids’ lives.
(Well, either that or it helps them justify their pure laziness and/or apathy towards their sons and daughters.)
Where the rubber often meets the road is that we as sons and daughters instinctively (as in “innately”) have high expectations for our dads.
We are born in need of a hero to look up to, but that isn’t always the reality.
Not every dad is Ward Cleaver.
Alcoholism is one of many destructive forces that drives a wedge between fathers and the rest of their families.
Other dads are in serious need of “anger management” classes.
A much larger number of fathers, however, aren’t exactly violence-prone psychopaths. They simply have a bad habit of letting their kids down…over and over again.
Broken promises. Bad examples. Double-talk. Consistent inconsistency. Awkward embarrassing moments. Even irritating habits.
When you pour all of those factors into a bottle and shake it all up, it’s easy to get a volatile mixture.
Young children develop resentment—possibly exacerbated by fear—early, and once habits are formed within the culture of a particular family it’s hard to break them.
Children turn into adolescents, and ultimately grow up to face adulthood and yes—parenthood—in their own right.
But the wounds never get healed. The resentment continues.
At worst, some people go for months or even years without so much as even speaking to their fathers.
Yet for most, the disconnect between father and adult offspring is deceptively subtle.
As it turns out, it’s easy to go those same months or years (or decades) simply being “cordial” with one’s father, being careful never to talk about anything deep lest “old wounds” be opened.
It’s as if there’s a long-term tentative “cease fire” in effect.
So then, what of “making peace” with one’s father instead?
Your first question might be—and legitimately so, “Why should I even bother?”
The answer to that is simple. This matters because you have the chance to be a HEALER in your family, and therefore establish yourself as a LEADER.
Implicit there, of course, is that as one of your Dad’s now fully-grown “children”, you don’t have to remain passive. You CAN take the bull by the proverbial horns and make the difference.
The dating coach in me wants to remind you, gentlemen, about how attractive courage and leadership are to women. I trust I don’t have to explain the significance to a woman of having a solid, healthy relationship with your father.
And ladies, I also assume that it’s unnecessary to explain to you how your relationship with your dad affects the quality of your relationships with boyfriends and potential husbands.
But overarching ALL of that is the simple truth that restoring peace to your family will restore peace to your soul.
You will feel as if a massive burden has been lifted from your shoulders. You may even feel as if you’re suddenly, as if by magic, somehow better equipped to face parenthood yourself—free of the nagging fear of “screwing up”.
So then, how do you make the reconciliation happen?
The first step, naturally, is to realize and admit that you are NOT helpless. If you are reading this, both you and your father are adults. As such, it’s perfectly reasonable for you to have an ADULT conversation with him—if for the very first time in your entire life.
The next step is to recognize that your father may or may not even understand there to be a NEED for “making peace” with him. It’s altogether possible that he may have been going along his merry way all this time somewhat, if not completely oblivious to your true thoughts and feelings toward him.
That’s a sobering idea, I realize…but one you must consider.
Next, it’s helpful to gain a grasp of what so often goes through the heads of men who tend to have problems relating to their children in a healthy manner.
Let me guess…your dad has never once admitted he was wrong about ANYTHING, let alone ever apologizing for what you perceive to be clear shortfalls.
And I can imagine that you may possibly have never heard him tell you that he loves you.
Did I hit the nail on the head?
Here’s the deal. Men who don’t apologize, admit they’re wrong or say “I love you” are the way they are because they perceive it as weakness to admit such stuff.
Somewhere along the way, they’ve confused the definition of “strong manhood” with “machismo”. This is, of course, an epidemic worldwide—yet in some cultures it’s almost a de facto standard.
So then, as much as it may take your breath away to imagine it, your father may very well have thought he was demonstrating a solid, valid example of manhood for you all these years—even though the actual effect was disastrous.
The crazy part is that it may very well have occurred to your Dad somewhere along the way that he should change his ways, yet he didn’t.
That’s because what’s commonly known as “vulnerability” invokes feelings that most guys probably don’t understand fully, so they bury it. It’s a “comfort zone” thing.
Such guys are VERY good at deflecting the uncomfortable stuff back to what they understand and relate to best—be that a sense of humor on one end of the spectrum, to sullen grunts accompanied by shoulder shrugs and far-away glances, to derisive insults and chiding laughter at the other end of the spectrum.
But the fact remains. Regardless of where your Dad’s head is on all of this, you’ve GOT to see it as YOUR responsibility to initiate the reconciliation.
You’ve probably figured out that if your Mom could help, or was willing to, that would have happened ages ago.
So how do you break through?
Know this up front…you may not be able to. After all, there’s another autonomous human being involved here.
But if you do it will be because you looked him in the eye and boldly, courageously faced the fear of his potential response and…went first.
Tell him you love him. Admit you made mistakes of your own—including letting this conversation wait too long—and apologize.
Say what’s on your mind confidently, without wavering. This is especially important to you guys who are reading this, because you’re seeking to represent the strong, masculine side of showing love, owning up to mistakes and seeking to make them right.
Doing your part will lift a burden off of yourself for sure, and it may compel him naturally to match you.
After all, as your Dad he instinctively feels as if HE should be the one demonstrating leadership to his son.
So when he finds you so obviously leading, the same pride that previously silenced his love, his humility and perhaps even his ability to BE loved is suddenly turned around.
In a flash, it becomes apparent that loss of fatherly dignity could come at the hands of his continued stone-cold silence.
So he meets you half way…and the breakthrough occurs.
Having explained all of this, I sense that it’ll all sound rather simplistic to some.
Rest assured that the process itself really isn’t complicated at all. But man, it’s actually cutting through the pride, fear and “comfort” of resentment that tends to be so very hard.
But once the ice is broken, taking that leap of faith into the “vulnerability” zone may very well reap rich rewards.
And regardless of what ultimately happens, you can at least rest a bit easier knowing you stepped up and did your part.
For what it’s worth, don’t be completely shocked if there’s a “delayed reaction” from your father that’s more favorable than his initial one.
Remember, old habits die hard and it may take minutes, hours or even days for him to recognize the importance of the conversation you sought to have with him, or indeed the power in it.
So what do YOU think? I was sort of shocked by how little info there is on the Web on this subject, so I’d love to hear your thoughts and your stories. I’m sure MANY of you have some solid input to add to this conversation.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
P.S. What would you think of me putting a program together on how to be a great father to your sons and daughters? The few people close to me who I’ve mentioned that to have responded cynically, as if most men wouldn’t give a rat’s hindparts. Yet, a part of me really believes that there are a ton of guys who’d really love to have a resource like that. Let me know what you think.
You talked about putting together a program for how to be a great father. I don’t have any kids yet, so it would useless to me right now, but I would definitely spend money on something like that when I do have kids.
Yes definitly yes, great job on the article yes, but a program for parents on how to instill correct beliefs and values to kids is really a good idea, call it, “big four” junior edition 🙂 truthfully an excellent idea must say.
First, I would be very interested in such a program dealing with how to be a great father to a son/daughter. I know personally, whenever I know a kid is coming, I will likely be scouring books and other resources for advice, so it would be nice to have some great 20/20 foresight here from someone I respect.
I completely agree with this post and have actually done this with my own dad as we are not exactly best friends. Essentially, it failed and he resorts to his old habits immediately following. He has essentially given away his power to not only the woman in his life, but to everyone, and I know I do not want to be like that when I am his age.
Thanks for your thoughts, Josh. Take pride in knowing you did your part, whether your Dad responds as you had hoped or otherwise.
Even as I approach 62 with grandchildren I think a program on how to be a great dad would be priceless.
Thank you so much, Scot.
As the bearer of the undisputed title of “The Black Sheep”. I have NEVER considered myself “Family Material”. Even though me and my father have gone through countless ups and downs, for about 8 years, I usually try my best to show love to my family, by doing favors for them. Since I know, deep down this is something mutual.
As for reconciling with my dad, I have before. Believe me. But he resorts to his original ways and thought processes of dealing with things.
I would not be interested in a book on “Being a better father”, since the thought of having children has never really crossed my mind. I mean, I simply can not picture myself going after my offspring, to only “Dislike me”, “Cry their way”, or “Be mad at me for disciplining them”.
I believe from the bottom of my heart, you should definitely put a program together on the adult film industry and porn stars. That is a career I am TRULY passionate and affinitive about. Which I believe has not been discussed ANYWHERE, in regards to the attraction department.
Thank you SO much, Scot. You TRULY inspire and accept your fans for who they are. More POWER to you.
Leonardo, I think to follow your suggestion would fall under the category of “attempting to be an expert in stuff I’m not an expert in”. [laughs]
Personally, I think it would be a great idea if you put together such a program.
As you’ve mentioned in you article, there are A LOT of boys today who are without a father figure. When some of those boys become adults and eventually finding themselves in the fathering position, I’d imagine they would need some help in that department since they may not have had the best father figure model in the first place. Heck, even some men who did have a father figure may not have been privileged to experience the best a father has to offer.
Even though I’m only 19 years old and far from even thinking about having children, I think it benefit some men and I know that I would be interested if I was a father.
It doesn’t hurt to try.
Great post Scot!
You are really doing an amazing job teaching us to be whole men.
Keep the great job!
Abraham
I’d say GO FOR IT. As much as it seems guys may not pay attention, there will be those that do and thats all that matters in the end. I’ve appreciated your emails and while I am still working on making myself a better man, I am always interested in what you have to say. You’re a POSITIVE influence and just keep doing what you do!
RESPPPPPPPPPPPECT!
Good post Scot. As for the program on fatherhood, I think there has never been a more appropriate time to create one. I believe attraction is so much easier when you simply know how to be a man, than when you learn how to relate to women. The latter is implicit in the former. As for me personally, I don’t contemplate becoming a father in the near future, however learning something about what it means to be a father, and what changes this would demand of me, in advance, would save me unnecessary trouble down the line, and probably reward me in the ways I can’t even yet imagine.
Some reconciliations shouldn’t happen.
My parents argued vociferously that I would never be able to drive a car. I’ve been a pizza driver for 6 1/2 years. When I was 16, I got my first job at McDonalds. My mother gave me her untmost guarantee that I would get fired on the first day. I quit that job after 6 months. Another time, my parents made me saw 50 logs and didn’t let me eat for 2 days until I sawed those logs. There’s much more, but I don’t want to bore you to death. My father has been a Methodist minister since the 1960’s. I haven’t had contact with my parents for the past 13 years.
Considering my background, I don’t think I should raise a child until I can afford a live in nanny. Fortunately, I have no children now.
Such a program can only help. It was for lack of any sort of mentoring or role models that I decided to never have kids. Go for it
Scot, I can only say you’d definitely be on the right track mate. Your thought processes and background coupled with the ability to really define and explain what we are supposed to do has spoken volumes to many of us, so if anyone can pull it off then you can.
…although it’s not really a program as such, but more of a pdf with your thoughts on the priniciples basically repeated in your Leading Man and other programs, but with a view of teaching it to your offspring. i.e. the material you have already given to us is what we basically repeat to our sons, so no special ‘program’ is particularly needed.
I’m 47 and it’s hard for my 20 and 25 year old sons to realise I grew up with a father who never once displayed affection or said he loved us as kids, so you and I are the generation ‘in between’ that find it hard to teach and are taking strides through your education to overcome. ..so direct it at 20-35 year olds, explaining us in-betweeners, and you’ll do future generations proud.
All the best with it.
My father is an evil cunt of a man. Now living in the present and future even thinking about the sad sack son of a bitch sends me realing. Part of my “healing” was eradicating that asshole from my life. I’ll never look back.
I’d say y’all need some healing. You may never look back, but your bitterness will follow you forever until you learn to forgive – both your father and yourself.
Hi Scot,
Some great information here. Your nailed it when you mentioned that most fathers of guys in our generation have a really hard time admitting they are wrong, as though it shows some sort of weakness. The advice on essentially disarming the “I’m never wrong” kneejerk reaction is well taken. My father is exactly like this. It’s funny, I’ve noticed he is much more open to my step-sister about mistakes he has made in his life than he is to my brother and me, because I think he feels far more threatened admitting such things to his sons versus a daughter.
I think you should put together some information in your materials about how to be a good father. After all, it’s just a natural extension of being a good man in general. As a 49 yr old man I do run into many single women with children nowadays, and as the undisputed black sheep of my family, I never considered myself father material also. It would be some great information to have.
Keep up the good work. You’re making a big difference to a lot of us guys who had absentee fathers and never really learned how to be a good man.
Such an excellent topic and one of the wellsprings of masculine power and presence. Thanks for going there, Scot. Many women, in my experience, are deeply interested to learn about my relations with my original family, and balk and seem distressed to learn that I’m estranged. Some have even tried to manipulate and encourage me to reconcile. I’ve learned to explain to them that the best thing I’ve ever done in my life to become a man and be a good partner to a woman is detach from my original family and father, and strive to become my own man. This is hard for them to understand, but it makes them think, and challenge their own assumptions. For many men, the desperate struggle to detach from family and father and go forth to create their own lives is traumatic, terrifying and bereft of helpful guidance and wisdom–even worsened by family members and fathers who subtly and/or grossly inhibit the process of separation, out of their own fears and clingy needs. One of these needs is fear of the empty nest and having to confront the bereftness of their marriages. Some fathers use children–and anyone else they can find–to distract and distance themselves from facing the overwhelming challenges of their unhappy marriages and wives. Fathers might see their sons leaving as a kind of reverse abandonment, with rejection of all they did to raise a son, and resent it. Sick but true.
You say that fathers neglect their sons out of laziness or apathy, but I think beneath that might lie fear. Fathers are afraid of their sons, their vigor, their potential to excell more than they did, their unpredictability to pursue un-approved directions for their lives, their potential to shame the father and family by making mistakes publicly, becoming something unacceptable (sexual, broke, slovenly, clownish, irresponsible), and how that reflects on the father publicly. Of course some sons do this unconsciously intentionally, to ‘get back’ at the father, to shame and disappoint him in response for the shame and disappointment the son suffered from the father. Also, rather than laziness and apathy, I think many fathers neglect their sons because they just don’t know how to relate, have never seen healthy expressions of love and vulnerability between men, have no clue how to initiate a reconciling conversation with a son, through all their own shame and cover-ups and weak arrogance, perfectionism, refusal to apologize, fear of weakness. And isn’t that on Their fathers, who never modeled it for our fathers? Isn’t it a failure of the entire male community?
So yes Scot, if you think you can begin modeling and coaching this for the current generation of men, coaching them in one more area where the ambient male community has failed to coach and raise and mentor younger men, then I encourage it whole-heartedly.
I think it will be far more difficult than the already-challenging areas you are helping men with. And way worth it.
I do not even know the way I finished up here, however I believed this put up used to be great. I don’t understand who you might be but certainly you are going to a famous blogger in case you are not already. Cheers!
Hello Scot!
I think it would be great if u made a program on how to be a great father , that would be pretty cool!