I always wondered how to approach and start a conversation with the attractive women I would meet on the street, in a supermarket, or in a coffee shop.
At first, I felt that initial excitement arising within me, but this excitement quickly turned into a paralytic fear…Have you ever felt this paralyzing, soul-freezing fear?
Hot on the trail of this fear, a string of thoughts would emerge—‘I don’t know what to say!’ or ‘What will she think of me?’—followed by images of her rejecting you, telling you to ‘get lost!’ and people around laughing at your humiliation.
I, for one, have surely felt it!
Finally, you might either psyche yourself to approach her or find a seemingly ‘good’ excuse to justify why you aren’t approaching her, such as ‘She’s way above my league’, ‘I’m not dressed for the occasion’, ‘Maybe next time–I’m in a hurry’, or ‘She’s not hot enough for me’.
Reasons for this so-called approach anxiety are many, and they are mainly due to social conditioning and our own negative experiences of the past. Let’s not explore these reasons any further—this has already been done repeatedly in many sources! I’d rather give you some practical advice on how to overcome this anxiety, from what I learnt through my own experiences of talking to about 1,000 women over the past 5 years, as well as what I have learnt from the vast experience of my friends.
Set Your Intention Right
Before we get to the exercises, let me explain this. If you set an intention—even unconsciously—as something like, ‘I’m going to go and impress & seduce that woman with my charisma, humour, stories, and magic tricks’, then it is quite understandable if you are now terribly anxious about approaching her because you’ve placed a very high expectation on yourself.
What if she is having a bad day or she is just miserable as a person? Instead of focusing on what you say, focus on an intention that would empower and awaken the best in you, such as ‘Let’s see how much fun I can have talking to that girl’, ‘I wonder what her smile looks like’, or ‘I’m curious if she’s someone I can relate to’.
Yes, that’s right, that’s all about you having fun and being genuinely interested in talking to her, and it’s not at all about her being entertained by what you do or how you ‘perform’ in front of her.
Having set the right intention, it is impossible to lose because if the girl is responsive and fun, you will surely enjoy the interaction. Even if she is not willing to engage in the conversation, you can always ask yourself, ‘Am I enjoying this?’, and if the answer is no, you can simply wish her good day and go talk to someone who is more fun.
1. Think of three positive intentions you can set before talking to a woman.
2. Practice each of them at least three times within the next three days. This does not have to be complicated, for example, if you intend to make a woman smile, your own smile and a simple ‘Hi!’ is often enough to accomplish your mission.
I remember how one of my friends had the same intention of making the woman smile, and he accidentally stumbled on the stairs as he was approaching her. She laughed even before he opened his mouth, and was very responsive in the conversation he struck up with her afterwards.
Feel The Fear And Approach Anyway
Have you ever seen a guy who’s so confident at talking to hotties that you may wonder if he’s a different species altogether?
Well, I can let you in on a secret: even people like this feel the fear of approaching from time to time. The difference here is how they handle that fear. Even though they feel it, it doesn’t stop them from approaching!
So, here’s what you should do the next time your approach fear emerges:
Step 1: Count to three (on your fingers or even aloud!)
Step 2: Start walking in her direction.
Step 3: Give her a smile and just start talking.
Trust your unconscious mind and spontaneous thinking to come up with something. It is better to say at least something than to say nothing at all. In fact, in many cases, the first spontaneous thing that comes to your mind is the best thing you can say to a woman, and it comes through as much more sincere than any complex chat-up line or opener.
Did you know that scientists have proven that our emotional states are directly connected to the way we breathe? For example, if our breathing is rapid and shallow, we feel anxious, and conversely, if it is slow and deep, we feel calm and relaxed. How you can use this knowledge to help you in fighting your fear of approaching someone? The next time you notice you’re feeling anxious before approaching a woman, try this:
Step 1: Shift your awareness to your chest/stomach.
Step 2: Take three deep breaths, concentrating on having your breath out longer than you air intake. Also, make each subsequent breath deeper than the previous one. This will naturally calm your mind.
Step 3: Smile and approach.
These three essential tips should help you significantly reduce the fear of approach. Try them next time that you’re out—you may want to print this article to help you remember exactly what to do. Once you repeat these techniques several times, they become a natural part of you, so that eventually, you will never need to think about them consciously.
Look Good—Feel Good
So what is it that’s more important for a guy: personality or looks? Personality, no doubt.
Then, does that mean you should not care about the way you groom and dress yourself? No way! Womankind takes the adage ‘Clothes maketh the man’ rather seriously.
See, for a woman, the way you look reflects how you take care of yourself and who you are deep inside, and most women will unconsciously size you up on the basis of how you look, and pass their verdict—albeit unconsciously—even before your approach.
Apply the same principle to yourself: would you rather talk to a sharply dressed and well-groomed woman or a tramp in the street? Obviously, there is no point in shooting yourself in the foot by not looking your best. If you groom well before going out (and this means shower with soap, shave, trim your hair, use a deodorant and quality cologne, and apply a self-tanning lotion if you have pale skin), your sense of well-being will increase and women will feel it.
The same goes for clothes. Clothes reflect your personality, so first decide what kind of personality you want to project with your outfit, and choose your clothes accordingly. If you are inexperienced in choosing your attire, ask your stylish friends (both female AND male) to help you with your shopping. Read an article or two about style for men—this will help you succeed in the long run.
By the way, do you know what the most important item of your clothing is, the one to which women pay the most attention? It’s you shoes! Nine out of ten women will tell you that the first thing they look at in a guy is his shoes, followed by at the rest of his outfit.
Once you look the part, you will FEEL the difference in your confidence level. If you can achieve that, women will pick up your feelings and respond better to you. This would make your approach so much easier.
Another tip is to accessorize—wear something unusual and interesting, like a necklace, a watch, cool boots, or a hat. This will give women a reason to open YOU! For example, I was wearing a funky hat the other night and all the women in a bar loved it, and commented on it whenever I approached them. Do your homework before going out—dress and groom! This will give you an edge over most other men even before you leave home!
Have you ever been to the gym or participated in any sport? I’m sure you have. Then answer this: what is the first thing you do after you get changed and ready for exercise?
Why, you warm up! Why do you need to warm up? To prepare your body for some rigorous action and to pushing it over its previously established boundaries. You don’t walk into the gym and lift the heaviest weights straight away—you take your time warming up.
The same can be applied to conversations with women and general social tactics. Naturally, the first thing to do as you get out there is talk to people around you. Anyone…it does not necessarily have to be hot women.
Talk to someone in the shopping queue, or to a cashier, or just any passer-by. Ask them the time, directions, or how their day/night is going. What you ask them is not really significant. The point of the ‘warm-up’ here is to get yourself into the chatty, sociable mood.
The next step in the warm-up is to talk to several women with a focus on something light and fun.
You’ll be surprised to see how after some practice with such games, your approach fear will dissipate, you feel confident in your social ability, and then you’re free to enjoy the rest of the day/night.
It is also a good idea to be social whenever you’re out. You may choose to talk to a shop assistant, barman, or a waitress, even if you are not planning on a big day/night out. Applying your social skills in this way will help you gradually develop your social muscle, so get out there and start being social right away.
Location, Location, Location!
Let me ask you a question. Where do you usually go to meet women? Do you go to a local pub or nightclub? Or do you prefer a bookstore or coffee shop? It is a stereotype in our society that people have to be in the bar drinking to be sociable and meet someone new.
Also, there are many people out there talk about training in the toughest environments such as noisy clubs or bars. The rationale used here is that in a nightclub where you can hardly hear your own voice over the din, if you manage to talk to women with their defenses up because they’re regularly hit by random men, clearly, you can surely do it in any other setting.
This logic is based on a flawed premise… Take my word on it, talking to a group of girls in a nightclub and to a girl alone in the bookshop are two very different situations. Whilst there may be some similarities between these two scenarios, the energy of the interaction, topics of conversation, even your opener would be different.
I would like you to identify environments where you feel naturally good and comfortable, where you can ‘be yourself’. Obviously, I mean public places, places where you are likely to encounter women as well. In front of TV in your lounge does not count. Stop reading for a minute and go write down 5 or 10 places that you can think of before you continue…
Now read your list and think about how much more comfortable and relaxed you would be meeting women in these places. So why should you make it difficult for yourself? Go and talk to women where you feel like you’re in your element the most—be it a coffee shop, music venue, or art gallery.
And well, if you naturally enjoy bars and clubs, then so be it. Once you are able to socialize and talk to women in your natural environment, then you can expand your skills to more challenging places, so that you can always be ready whenever the woman of your dreams comes along…
Question: What is the place that I enjoy myself the most, where I can go to today and start being sociable?
Approach Or Pay
I recently spoke to my friend about what it takes to get rid of old habits and build new ones.
And in addition to a desire, readiness, and motivation to change, he mentioned something that rang really true for me. He said, ‘Make change inevitable!’
Okay, that sounds good, but how do you go about it? Well, make sure that your situation is such that you are left with no other choice but to change.
For example, I recently started a habit of waking up early in the morning to work on my coaching business. I promised my friend that for every morning I am unable to wake up, no matter what the reason, I would pay him £200! Well, clearly I don’t have a choice, do I?
Needless to say, I haven’t missed a morning since! One of my clients wanted to limit the time he used to play computer games every night before going to bed. He programmed timers in the house to turn off all the Lights at 11 pm, so if he didn’t get to bed before that, he’d have to do it in the darkness… You get the idea.
So how does this relate to approaching women?
Well, it’s obvious! Make it inevitable!
The options here are many:
1. Promise to pay your friend a significant sum of money for any woman whom you liked but didn’t approach. You decide, is it easier to simply walk up to a woman and say ‘Hi’ or to pay your friend a fine of £100 for not doing it? I sure hope you choose the first one…although your friend might not mind if you chose the second one….
2. Allocate a regular time every day when you go out and talk to women. It could be just 30 min every day, for example, you could chat up with your colleagues straight after lunch, but you have to do it every day without exception, or to pay otherwise…A good practice here is to arrange with your ‘accountability partner’ that you’ll send him/her a text message confirming that you’ve done your approaches every day.
3. Go out with a friend and play an ‘approach or pay’ game. Give your friend an amount of money, which can serve as a sufficient motivating factor for you, e.g. 50 quid. For each approach, he would return you a part of it, e.g. 10 quid per approach. If you chicken out, he gets to keep the money. People I trained this way found this method extremely effective!
Go Out With A Friend
Yes, this one sounds like an obvious suggestion. It’s true, peer support helps a lot. Choose a like-minded friend who wants you to succeed and go out with him.
Initially, you can be sociable by talking to your friend and then to all the people around you. Build up the energy of your interaction and let go of your inhibitions: laugh, have fun, and bounce this energy off each other.
If you still have inhibitions or fear, you can pick women to talk to for each other or even push your friend to approach if needed, i.e. use the same principle of making the approach inevitable.
Support from friends can be extremely helpful when you want to talk to two girls, such as when you are talking to the girl you like, you friend can ‘occupy’ her girlfriend. A sort of double date—this is useful as by talking to your girl one-on-one, you’ll be able to build a connection with her more quickly.
Once you’re comfortable and making progress talking to girls with your friends around, you’ll be more comfortable doing it on your own. If making the transition to go out on your own is a big shock for you, you can implement it in stages.
For example, you can still take your friend along, but then separate for some time, say half an hour, and ‘mingle’ and do your own thing. Then, meet up and discuss your progress, and split up again for some time. Once you are comfortable with this, you can increase the time you spend talking to women on your own until you’re totally comfortable with going out ‘lone wolf’. This way, you will be confident about approaching women when none of your friends is around, so that you can do it in any everyday situation: in the supermarket, bank queue, or coffee shop. You cannot expect your mates to be there when the woman of your dreams (or hottie of your choice) comes along!
The ‘Matrix’ Method
I hope the previous strategies we studied on overcoming approach anxiety did you a great deal of good, and you can now make your approaches with ease most of the time. The following strategy is fairly advanced, to be used by the real Jedi masters. So if it does not make sense at first, do not worry!
Next time you see the attractive female of your choice and you still have some hesitation due to the remains of the approach anxiety, do this: Acknowledge the feeling of anxiety you experience.
Silently say ‘thank you’ to this feeling. This alone may transform it and allow you to approach straight away.
Try it, this works magically in most cases!
However, if something is still preventing you from approaching, then ask yourself next: ‘What is the thought behind this feeling?’
See, feelings rarely appear without a certain thought behind them. If it is a thought such as ‘I don’t know what to say’ or ‘she may laugh at me’, then it’s not so bad. But once a thought follows another, before you know it you’ve built a whole train of thought, which then amplifies the feeling of anxiety.
It may go in a cascade like this:
‘I don’t know what to say’ –> ‘She will reject me’ –> ‘She will shout at me’ –> ‘Everyone will see it and laugh at me’ –> ‘Her boyfriend/bouncer will come over and beat me up, or throw me out’, finally leading to ‘I will become a total public embarrassment’.
Breaking down the feeling of anxiety by analysing the root thought behind the feeling will help you nip this cascade before these irrational thoughts begin to limit you. These trains of thought may become quite nasty and each subsequent thought amplifies the feeling, literally paralysing you from approaching a woman…
So what’s the solution to this?
Break the train of thought; don’t let it develop.
The famous ‘3-second rule’ does exactly this. This rule enforces that you should approach a woman within 3 seconds of spotting her.
How does this work? Simple! Because you have to approach a woman within 3 seconds of spotting her, you just wouldn’t have the time to spiral into the cascade of negative thoughts and feelings that might stop you from approaching.
So yes, once the first negative thought enters your mind, don’t let it develop. You don’t have to pounce on a woman within the first 3 seconds, but it is absolutely vital to change your stream of thought. Switch it to something positive/neutral straight away.
It could go like: ‘I don’t know what to say’ –> ‘But I don’t care, I’ll improvise and make her smile!’.
In other words, the minute you identify this thought, you’re in control. You can now choose how to deal with it next—either wallow in fear and anxiety or have fun talking to another human being.
It may also be useful to understand where the negative thoughts that cause anxiety come from. They come from your social conditioning, your upbringing and previous ‘negative’ experiences, i.e. they come from the ‘Matrix’ or ‘Script’, and not from the deep core of who you truly are.
Your true self is not afraid of anything, especially of talking to a random girl. Once you sense the fear/anxiety, acknowledge it, step outside the Matrix script, awaken from that dream of fear, and approach with integrity.
These tips are a collection of methods that I became aware of over the years. This is not, by any means, an exhaustive list. If you have a technique of your own that has helped you overcome your anxiety of talking to hot women—let me know! Good luck with that. Remember, in the words of Wayne Gretzky, ‘You miss 100% of the shots you never take.’ So get out there and take your shot!