First of all, some of you are going to roll your eyes and shake your head at this list. I’m actually looking forward to that, if for no other reason than it will prove the true point of this post (if there really is one).
That’s this: All that really, seriously matters when it comes to YOUR choice of women is what YOU like.
Since this is my blog, what you’re about to behold is a nothing more than a dead giveaway of my personal taste. Indeed, each individual’s taste is different, and in my arrogant opinion that happens to mean that neither Ginger NOR Marianne make the cut.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m SURE I’ve missed some legit candidates, especially if they were hidden away on daytime soap operas or shows watched only by teenage girls. “TV Land” is a big place, so I didn’t exactly exhaust all possible resources compiling my list. As such, I actually look forward to being reminded of who I forgot…thanks to those of you who have different and/or more complete memories than I.
Another caveat is that I haven’t exactly been a voracious consumer of television shows over the years, so I’m sure there were jaw-dropping hotties along the way who completely slipped my radar. Those of you outside of the States in particular might be able to enlighten me.
So ultimately, here are the ground rules I went by:
1) Both the character and the actual actress playing her have to be over 18, naturally.
2) Only TV, no movies (otherwise I would have needed a list of at least 100)
3) Fictional Characters only (or else this list would have been loaded down with ESPN sideline reporters, CNN chicks, SPIKE network presenters and hostesses of old Mexican children’s shows named Lulu.)
4) It’s not just about looks. Personality, desirability, character, attitude, femininity and mystique all entered into the equation. (Hence, no Eva Longoria. Or Suzanne Somers. Leaving Mila Kunis off was a painful but consistent decision.)
5) Generally speaking, I’m into “girl next door” types, so no Pam Andersons, Wonder Women or Xena Warrior Princesses appear on this list. Even Daisy Duke and Loni Anderson didn’t make the cut. Your mileage may vary, I’m sure.
6) If the show sucked, I had a hard time nominating hot female characters from it (ergo, no Jessica Alba. Or Debra Messing.)
7) If it’s pretty much the character’s sole premise to be hot, then I tended not to fall for the routine–especially if it’s in a generic sort of way. (Television history is littered with these, obviously.)
8) No animated characters. (Otherwise, Betty Rubble might have won.)
So here we go. For what it’s worth, these are probably in order:
1) Jeannie in I Dream Of Jeannie (Barbara Eden)
I’m convinced that Asian flight attendants have all taken I Dream Of Jeannie Lessons. That’s why I have this thing for Asian flight attendants.
If you’re young enough to have never actually seen an episode from this, the epitome of perhaps the most glorious epoch in television history, I urge you to experience at least one in the name of all that is good and right in the universe.
We should ALL have a woman in our lives who is this happy and giggly, this generous and comforting and (above all) who adores and appreciates her man THIS much.
Yet, I really, honestly hurt for Jeannie. Larry Hagman never once so much as touched her, let alone gave her the relentlessly orgasmic bedroom experience she so richly deserved.
2) April Buchanon in Eastbound And Down (Katy Mixon)
Never mind that as wickedly hilarious as Kenny Freaking Powers is, there’s no way in this or any universe–parallel, perpendicular or otherwise–that he deserves this woman.
Suspend your disbelief successfully and simply breathe in the fact that April is hotter than the hood of a black Camaro. In July. In Phoenix. After it’s been running from the cops on a high speed chase for an hour and a half.
You get my point.
This is more woman than most mere men (including Kenny, obviously) can handle, complete with maternal instincts, a southern accent and a heart.
3) Joan Holloway in Mad Men (Christina Hendricks)
Wham. If you’re not sure you like redheads, meet your decision maker.
Heck, if you’re sure you DON’T like redheads, make sure NEVER to watch Mad Men.
What’s more, let’s hear it for so blatant (and worthy) a challenge to the notion that only female “walking sticks” are sexy. If it’s a myth that Marilyn Monroe was a size 16, then Joan might make good on the premise…in the best way possible.
Then you can pile on a few layers of smooth feminine charm, the grace of a lioness and an unwillingness to be anyone’s doormat (at least usually).
Add up this equation and you get 100% woman all the time.
4) Caitlin Moore in Spin City (Heather Locklear)
I have to admit, I didn’t actually watch this show all that much. In fact, every single time I’ve ever seen it was because I was flipping through the channels, noticed Caitlin, and was suddenly compelled to quit flipping.
Forget whatever Heather Locklear did on TV in her younger years. The more mature Heather Locklear rules over the younger version.
In fact, when my daughter was about 8 or so she was watching Hannah Montana (of course) and I couldn’t believe my eyes. Heather Locklear was playing somebody’s hot mom on the show. Indeed.
5) Angie Lopez in The George Lopez Show (Constance Marie)
Nobody really ever talked about how hot she was on this show, but I couldn’t have been the only one who thought so.
Obviously, part of the show’s overarching plot is that George Lopez isn’t always a “big four” guy, yet he somehow has a loving, level-headed, usually patient–and yes, hot–wife. She’s the quintessential character foil by intentional design, pretty much playing Edith to George Lopez’s Archie Bunker, only exponentially easier on the eyes.
There’s really no doubt about the fact that Angie Lopez is what most guys who like latinas are secretly hoping their wife will turn out like…especially years after the wedding, dare I say.
6) Helen Hackett in Wings (Crystal Bernard)
Wings was a somewhat weird sitcom in the early 90s about a small airline in Massachusetts. Helen was a bizarre mix of spunkiness, flightiness, moodiness, ditziness and raw intelligence. Whatever it was, it worked.
At the time the show aired I remember having read that multi-time MotoGP champion Eddie Lawson had met Crystal Bernard at a celebrity event and was dating her. In my mind, that only solidified how much of a badass he already was.
7) Dr. Allison Cameron in House (Jennifer Morrison)
I’m a sapiosexual, what can I say?
“Cameron” is smart, sensitive and somehow utterly feminine, all while existing in the man’s world that is the infamous (and awesome) Dr. Gregory House’s department.
I’m going to let her off the hook here for the occasional innuendo between her and House, even in the midst of her relationship with that other guy on the show.
What’s a woman to do when House is “incapable of loving her” or whatever? She meant well, and he’s broken anyway–lending to the show’s overall brilliance.
8) Laura Petrie in The Dick Van Dyke Show (Mary Tyler Moore)
Okay, I want to clarify something up front here. I’m NOT talking about The Mary Tyler Moore Show. For whatever reason, that woman did NOTHING for me.
But man…go watch a few episodes of The Dick Van Dyke Show and tell me that 95% of red-blooded men on Earth wouldn’t saw off a pinky finger to have a woman like that to come home to.
That is, if only they could get Morey Amsterdam and Rose Marie to leave them alone for once.
Okay, I fully get that you just might be shaking your head. You’ve got a completely different list in mind. Well, enough already…let’s hear it. What do you think?