My 8 Favorite Female TV Characters Of All Time

Posted on March 27, 2014
Filed Under Cool Stuff, Women Attracting Men


 
Okay, Larry Hagman may have actually touched her at least once.First of all, some of you are going to roll your eyes and shake your head at this list. I’m actually looking forward to that, if for no other reason than it will prove the true point of this post (if there really is one).

That’s this: All that really, seriously matters when it comes to YOUR choice of women is what YOU like.

Since this is my blog, what you’re about to behold is a nothing more than a dead giveaway of my personal taste. Indeed, each individual’s taste is different, and in my arrogant opinion that happens to mean that neither Ginger NOR Marianne make the cut.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m SURE I’ve missed some legit candidates, especially if they were hidden away on daytime soap operas or shows watched only by teenage girls. “TV Land” is a big place, so I didn’t exactly exhaust all possible resources compiling my list. As such, I actually look forward to being reminded of who I forgot…thanks to those of you who have different and/or more complete memories than I.

Another caveat is that I haven’t exactly been a voracious consumer of television shows over the years, so I’m sure there were jaw-dropping hotties along the way who completely slipped my radar. Those of you outside of the States in particular might be able to enlighten me.

 
X-Ray Vision Into A Woman's Deepest Fantasies

 

So ultimately, here are the ground rules I went by:

 

1) Both the character and the actual actress playing her have to be over 18, naturally.

2) Only TV, no movies (otherwise I would have needed a list of at least 100)

3) Fictional Characters only (or else this list would have been loaded down with ESPN sideline reporters, CNN chicks, SPIKE network presenters and hostesses of old Mexican children’s shows named Lulu.)

4) It’s not just about looks. Personality, desirability, character, attitude, femininity and mystique all entered into the equation. (Hence, no Eva Longoria. Or Suzanne Somers. Leaving Mila Kunis off was a painful but consistent decision.)

5) Generally speaking, I’m into “girl next door” types, so no Pam Andersons, Wonder Women or Xena Warrior Princesses appear on this list. Even Daisy Duke and Loni Anderson didn’t make the cut. Your mileage may vary, I’m sure.

6) If the show sucked, I had a hard time nominating hot female characters from it (ergo, no Jessica Alba. Or Debra Messing.)

7) If it’s pretty much the character’s sole premise to be hot, then I tended not to fall for the routine–especially if it’s in a generic sort of way. (Television history is littered with these, obviously.)

8) No animated characters. (Otherwise, Betty Rubble might have won.)

 

So here we go. For what it’s worth, these are probably in order:

 

 
1) Jeannie in I Dream Of Jeannie (Barbara Eden)

 

I’m convinced that Asian flight attendants have all taken I Dream Of Jeannie Lessons. That’s why I have this thing for Asian flight attendants.

If you’re young enough to have never actually seen an episode from this, the epitome of perhaps the most glorious epoch in television history, I urge you to experience at least one in the name of all that is good and right in the universe.

We should ALL have a woman in our lives who is this happy and giggly, this generous and comforting and (above all) who adores and appreciates her man THIS much.

Yet, I really, honestly hurt for Jeannie. Larry Hagman never once so much as touched her, let alone gave her the relentlessly orgasmic bedroom experience she so richly deserved.

 

 
2) April Buchanon in Eastbound And Down (Katy Mixon)

 

Never mind that as wickedly hilarious as Kenny Freaking Powers is, there’s no way in this or any universe–parallel, perpendicular or otherwise–that he deserves this woman.

Suspend your disbelief successfully and simply breathe in the fact that April is hotter than the hood of a black Camaro. In July. In Phoenix. After it’s been running from the cops on a high speed chase for an hour and a half.

You get my point.

This is more woman than most mere men (including Kenny, obviously) can handle, complete with maternal instincts, a southern accent and a heart.

 

 
3) Joan Holloway in Mad Men (Christina Hendricks)

 

Wham. If you’re not sure you like redheads, meet your decision maker.

Heck, if you’re sure you DON’T like redheads, make sure NEVER to watch Mad Men.

What’s more, let’s hear it for so blatant (and worthy) a challenge to the notion that only female “walking sticks” are sexy. If it’s a myth that Marilyn Monroe was a size 16, then Joan might make good on the premise…in the best way possible.

Then you can pile on a few layers of smooth feminine charm, the grace of a lioness and an unwillingness to be anyone’s doormat (at least usually).

Add up this equation and you get 100% woman all the time.

 

 
4) Caitlin Moore in Spin City (Heather Locklear)

 

I have to admit, I didn’t actually watch this show all that much. In fact, every single time I’ve ever seen it was because I was flipping through the channels, noticed Caitlin, and was suddenly compelled to quit flipping.

Forget whatever Heather Locklear did on TV in her younger years. The more mature Heather Locklear rules over the younger version.

In fact, when my daughter was about 8 or so she was watching Hannah Montana (of course) and I couldn’t believe my eyes. Heather Locklear was playing somebody’s hot mom on the show. Indeed.

 

 
5) Angie Lopez in The George Lopez Show (Constance Marie)

 

Nobody really ever talked about how hot she was on this show, but I couldn’t have been the only one who thought so.

Obviously, part of the show’s overarching plot is that George Lopez isn’t always a “big four” guy, yet he somehow has a loving, level-headed, usually patient–and yes, hot–wife. She’s the quintessential character foil by intentional design, pretty much playing Edith to George Lopez’s Archie Bunker, only exponentially easier on the eyes.

There’s really no doubt about the fact that Angie Lopez is what most guys who like latinas are secretly hoping their wife will turn out like…especially years after the wedding, dare I say.

 

 
6) Helen Hackett in Wings (Crystal Bernard)

 

Wings was a somewhat weird sitcom in the early 90s about a small airline in Massachusetts. Helen was a bizarre mix of spunkiness, flightiness, moodiness, ditziness and raw intelligence. Whatever it was, it worked.

At the time the show aired I remember having read that multi-time MotoGP champion Eddie Lawson had met Crystal Bernard at a celebrity event and was dating her. In my mind, that only solidified how much of a badass he already was.

 

 
7) Dr. Allison Cameron in House (Jennifer Morrison)

 

I’m a sapiosexual, what can I say?

“Cameron” is smart, sensitive and somehow utterly feminine, all while existing in the man’s world that is the infamous (and awesome) Dr. Gregory House’s department.

I’m going to let her off the hook here for the occasional innuendo between her and House, even in the midst of her relationship with that other guy on the show.

What’s a woman to do when House is “incapable of loving her” or whatever? She meant well, and he’s broken anyway–lending to the show’s overall brilliance.

 

 
8) Laura Petrie in The Dick Van Dyke Show (Mary Tyler Moore)

 

Okay, I want to clarify something up front here. I’m NOT talking about The Mary Tyler Moore Show. For whatever reason, that woman did NOTHING for me.

But man…go watch a few episodes of The Dick Van Dyke Show and tell me that 95% of red-blooded men on Earth wouldn’t saw off a pinky finger to have a woman like that to come home to.

That is, if only they could get Morey Amsterdam and Rose Marie to leave them alone for once.

 

 

Okay, I fully get that you just might be shaking your head. You’ve got a completely different list in mind. Well, enough already…let’s hear it. What do you think?

 

Be Good,

Scot McKay

 
X-Ray Vision Into A Woman's Deepest Fantasies

 

Comments

20 Responses to “My 8 Favorite Female TV Characters Of All Time”

  1. Adam

    Maggie and/or Beth from “The Walking Dead”.
    I’m assuming you don’t watch the show, otherwise, hands down (especially with our taste in women) they’d be in top 3.
    Hard to top Jeannie though, I’m with ya there.

    Reply

  2. Frank

    Fun subject! I only have network TV, so I’ve a limited perspective here.

    Not much argument with the choices I’m familiar with (totally with you on Cameron, and find 13 and especially Cuddy mad hot, too), but can think of a few that weren’t mentioned:

    Emma Peel (Diana Rigg) in The Avengers.

    99 (Barbara Feldon) in Get Smart (what’s this thing I have about numbers?)

    And ALL 3 women on the team in Bones, especially Cammile Saroyan (Tamara Taylor). That show has ‘em all beat in the eye candy, brain candy, and interesting/weird departments, all of which are HUGE turn-ons for yours truly.

    Reply

  3. Jammer

    Needs more Sofia Vergara (Gloria, Modern Family). I think Sarah Hyland can make the list too (now her CHARACTER is 18).

    Reply

  4. Liquidmetal

    Lori Laughlin in Full House would be a good one.
    Claudia Christian in Babylon 5 also.

    Reply

  5. Liquidmetal

    I agree with Barbara Eden, Jennifer Morrison, Heather Locklear,and Crystal Bernard. All 4 of them are quite attractive, but not overly beautiful to end up on a wish list. I can not see where people think Julia Roberts and Angelina Jollie are so good looking. I do not feel anything inside me when I see them. But they are a lot of supporting female actors that I am more attracted to. Sasha alexander on NCIS and Rizolli & Isles is another good one.

    Reply

  6. Tom

    “1) Both the character and the actual actress playing her have to be over 18, naturally.”

    Your site so your rules, but that one is pityful, expecially the “naturally”.

    There are incredibly talented actresses (and amazing characters as well) under 18, so what are you afraid of?

    Reply

  7. Jon

    Kaley Cuoco is every guy’s apartment next door dream girl. I’d love to be Leonard Hofstadter for one day just to be with her. Susan Dey from The Partridge Family was really hot too. Kat Dennings would be someone I’d love to have on my arm at a party. Sure, Beth Behrs is the Barbie doll on Two Broke Girls, but Max has a mix of funny and bad girl (plus two “other” really nice qualities) that makes her the ultimate fun time girl, for during and after the party.

    Reply

    • Ha! If figured it was only a matter of time before someone nominated Penny.

      Was Susan Dey over 18 in The Partridge Family, though?

      I looked up Kat Dennings and it said she started out on Sex And The City. Come to think of it, Kristin Davis was pretty hot on that show. The other three I wasn’t so impressed with.

      Reply

      • Jon

        Scot – I looked up Susan Dey’s bio and she was 17 when she got the part for The Partridge Family, but I don’t know her TV age when she was on the show. So yeah, that one is questionable.

        About Kat Dennings, like I mentioned, Beth Behrs (Caroline) is the looker on the show, but Max has that bad girl attitude that makes her hot. I would take her over Beth Behrs because she would be a bad girl in bed. :)

        And in my opinion, someone that I didn’t mention until now, another hot woman is Marg Helgenberger from CSI. She’s much hotter now than when she was on China Beach. She has definitely aged well.

        Reply

  8. Jon

    I forgot about a couple. Lisa Whelchel, who played Blair Warner on The Facts of Life, was the hottest spoiled brat rich girl on TV in the 80s. Another really hot girl was Jennifer Runyon, who played Gwendolyn on the first season of Charles In Charge. I watched that show just to see her.

    Reply

  9. Bruce

    Can’t believe no one mentioned intelligent, sexy, mature and successful Catherine Willows of CSI (Marg Helgenberger) or her counterpart, Calleigh Duquesne (Emily Proctor), and the gorgeous, successful and elegant Alexx Woods (Khandi Alexander), and the brunette goddess, Yelina Salas (Sofia Milos). Good call on Sofia Vergara of Modern Family…wow

    Reply

  10. David

    Hello! Anybody home?

    Don’t think anyone’s mentioned Jeri Ryan, a.k.a. Seven of Nine on Star Trek. She helped a lot of boys through puberty.

    And I second the nomination of Marg H. of CSI – and of your call, Scot, in naming Jeanie first. She was the first one I thought of. And how about Mary Tyler Moore? Who among us didn’t have the occasional impure thoughts about her?

    Reply

    • Appreciate the vote of confidence, there.

      As for Mary Tyler Moore, I bet A LOT of people don’t even know who she is anymore. When you get right down to it, she was before even MY time.

      Reply

  11. Gerald Trees

    Ziva David of NCIS played by Cote de Pablo and a lady who broke a few cultural barriers on TV, Nichelle Nichols who played Uhura on the original Star Trek.

    Reply

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