Dealing With Breakups: When Something Heinous Has Happened [Part One Of Four]

Posted on March 26, 2008
Filed Under Pillar Articles, Relationship Management |

I’ve been threatening to write this series for a while, but fortunately I didn’t need an ultimatum in order to stick to the plan.

Sounds like a metaphor for a bad relationship, right?

Well, whatever the case, here we go on a full-tilt four part series on breakups.

This is a topic that isn’t covered nearly often enough, but which by my calculations is also a major area of interest to those of you who have written to tell me what you want to hear more about.

The way I see it, the formula is this:

A Question People Are Actually Asking + Not A Whole Lot Of Answers Out There Already = Probably A Good Idea For A Blog Post

So let’s get on it.

The logical way to break down this series into parts is as follows:

1. When Someone Did Something Heinous
2. When Nobody Did Anything Particularly Heinous
3. Ending Short-Term Relationships
4. Ending Long-Term Relationships

Throughout the process you’ll get the “hows” and the “whys”, featuring some practical steps and ideas.

One caveat before we start, however: I am writing this series in the spirit of dealing with dating relationships rather than marriages. When marital relationships, community property and small children are involved, some of the issues I discuss may require a bit different of a perspective (the notable exception being physical violence–my advice is always going to be to get out in those situations). As such, we’ll save that discussion for another time. Who knows, I may surprise you with a “surprise” Part Five.

So true to the plan, let’s deal with breaking up with someone because a major breach has happened.

What we mean here is that one partner–or possibly both partners–has done something that is in clear violation of mutually agreed-upon expectations for how the relationship would flow.

Examples would include:

• 1) Unfaithfulness

  Defined as interacting with a third party in a way that violates the terms of the “exclusive” relationship. The concept of “cheating” can be a nebulous one, so there must not be any confusion between partners about what it means to them. For some even looking at porn constitutes cheating, while other couples could theoretically agree to be full-swap swingers. There’s got to be communication on this subject from the outset, otherwise you’re on the road to inevitable issues later.

• 2) Abuse

  Sure, if you’re getting beat up that’s abuse. But so is dealing with repeated verbal assaults, fits of rage, plate throwing, etc.

• 3) Manipulation/Double Standard

  If you’ve ever been “taken for a ride” before in a relationship, you know what I’m talking about already. When one person does all the giving while the other does all the taking, there’s likely some heavy-duty manipulation going on. Similarly, if the “rules” are different for one partner compared to the other then a similarly negative state of emotional affairs is likely to result. A prime example would be when one partner enjoys the company of “friends” of the opposite gender frequently, while hammering the other for “flirting” any time he or she even looks at a member of the opposite sex.

• 4) Damaging Habits

  One partner has a devastating addiction (e.g. drugs, gambling, expensive NYC call girls, carnitas burritos) and the other isn’t willing to share the consequences.

• 5) Major Life Changes

  This one will stir some controversy, but so be it. But if a massive change occurs that essentially reshapes one partner into a completely different person in someway, I’d argue that something has indeed happened that deviates from the expected “flow” of the relationship. If someone’s core world view changes (e.g. because of a spiritual conversion experience or even a traumatic experience), that’s one example. Profound change in personality or attitude is another, as is wholesale alteration of appearance through severe injury or flat-out neglect and/or an unexpected requirement for one partner to move hundreds or thousands of miles away. If the other partner’s love is deep enough to withstand these challenges, then that’s a personal decision. But breaking up is also his or her prerogative…as it ALWAYS is regardless of reasons why.

When there’s been a major breach of faith and trust in a relationship or there’s a clear pattern of intentional manipulation, the first thing to remember is that you have every right to sever the relationship without reservation.

Should you decide to “forgive and forget” the first time, you absolutely have to understand yourself as fully capable of doing so. I’ll tell you, this is a practically superhuman expectation and there is no shame in enacting a “one strike and you’re out” policy. After all, a pact is a pact. And a violation is a crystal clear violation, provided effective communication has taken place.

And the first thing to remember when there’s potential for either short-term or long-term danger of any kind (let alone if catastrophe has already befallen the situation) is that you must sever the relationship without reservation.

Emily and I get e-mails all the time from men and women alike who are in dire straits at the hands of a poisonous boyfriend or girlfriend, and yet are writing us to ask what they should do. Most of the time, we understand these e-mails to be simple requests for validation of the decision to split up.

And although we gladly reply with a solid exhortation to end such devastating scenarios, our advice is pretty much a no-brainer.

The problem is that poisonous partners tend to prey upon those who are either weak-willed or very susceptible to manipulation. Their goal is to instill a feeling of massive guilt.

Don’t let someone who is clearly wrong for you offload blame for the situation onto you…ever. As always, if you find yourself carrying guilt when you’re all but sure it’s YOU who is being mistreated, think “TGR-R”, or “The Golden Rule In Reverse”. Would you ever–in a million years–subject your partner to the kind of treatment you are being asked to accept? If the answer is “no way!”, then that’s really all the justification you need.

To stick around in a poisonous relationship is a clear indicator that you do not respect yourself enough to demand better, and/or that you needy and desperate enough to believe that you cannot “do better” than your current partner. All too often, the poisonous boyfriend or girlfriend is more than happy to help reinforce those crazy ideas in thought, word and deed. Don’t let that get to you.

In such situations, you have every right to summarily end the relationship without reservation. Understanding ahead of time that a manipulative and/or emotionally-charged response may be likely, your resolve must be strong and your words few. This is especially true if the breach is particularly emotionally devastating or the consequence of physical abuse.

Simply put, you owe your poisonous ex nothing.

If you’ve got a box full of valuables to send back, so be it. But make it quick and drama-free, preferably by mail.

Entering into a full-scale discussion on the matter (let alone a heated argument) invariably works against you in these situations. When you know the breakup is imminently necessary, you must not place yourself in a position to accept compromise.

Now, I completely understand, as should you, that the other person may not want to accept the breakup. Your resolve must be strong. If they call repeatedly, do not answer the phone. Text messages should be ignored. Any acknowledgment of their outreach to you is tantamount to feeding a stray cat. Seriously.

If he or she goes so far as to show up to your door, refuse entry. Clearly state that the next step is a restraining order.

Do not let the passage of time deaden your clarity. The decision has been made.

Now granted, many potential breakup situations are a bit less dramatic, even when due cause is there.

For example, if personal changes or relocation are influencing you, then you’ve got to take inventory of your emotions. While some would pronounce decisions to break up under these circumstances as “shallow”, I take a different view.

You may be the most philanthropic person on Earth. But there are no “charity cases” when it comes to choosing a lifetime partner. You must be 100% satisfied with that choice, and you have the freedom to be as picky as you want–even if that feels “selfish”. Anything less only leads to mutual bitterness and expensive divorces.

Think about that. This is the very essence of never, ever settling. When changes happen in a relationship that exceed your logical margin of acceptance and signal an impending drop in your standards, you have the right to break up. Moreover, you really never are “obligated” to stay with someone with whom you are not in a committed relationship. An agreement to date exclusively (let alone not exclusively) is by no means to be understood as a contract to stay together as long as your boyfriend or girlfriend says so. Always remember that.

Again, when breaking up under these circumstances the best policy is to use as few words as possible. Even so, I believe in having enough character to break up in person. The exception to this principle, of course, goes back to when there’s physical danger or wholesale instances of cheating involved , when I wholeheartedly endorse ending the relationship with a phone call or even a letter.

Remember that there’s no real value in shredding someone’s feelings on the way out, although the short term benefit of getting stuff off your chest may be a very real one for you, as it is for lots of people. Try to resist self-serving rants and insults, and in a very civil manner explain nothing other than the fact that the relationship is over because of what has happened, and that the decision is final. My experience is that drawn-out discussions only lead to greater heartbreak if not emotionally-loaded and ill-advised compromises.

Next time, we’ll tackle the somewhat more taxing subject of breaking up when both boyfriend and girlfriend are perfectly reasonable and even attractive people, but simply not right for each other.

Be Good,

Scot McKay

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3 Comments

Comment by JiantJay

2008-03-27 20:37:02

A needed topic to discuss. If you don’t need this info. now you WILL need it in the future.

Thank you Scot and Emily.

 

Comment by Caine

2008-03-28 08:52:36

I wish I’d had this info when I went through my cataclysm late last year. Excellent advice!

 

Comment by Scot McKay

2008-03-30 05:04:25

Whether in the past, now or in the future this really is one of the last topics people want to think about, huh?

But 20/20 foresight rocks, so that’s what we’re trying to deliver.

The three upcoming installments will be every bit as helpful, if not more…you have my word!

Cheers,

Scot

 

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• Scot McKay is a professional dating coach and founder of X & Y Communications.

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