For the first two segments of this series we focused mainly on the question of “why” a potential breakup would happen.
For this third installment, and for the final one, we’ll be talking more about the “when” factor.
You and I both already know that there’s a big difference between ending relationship that hasn’t been going on all that long versus breaking up when you’ve been seeing each other (or married to each other?) for months or even years.
Or is there?
The answer may very well be, “It depends.” And what it “depends” on is generally the emotional state and/or maturity level of the partners involved.
People can get super wrapped-up in a relationship very, very quickly. In fact, if you are particularly solid in your ability to create attraction while projecting a tantalizing image of high character and irresistible charisma, then you may run into a particularly upsetting problem.
You see, once you become a person who genuinely deserves what he or she wants, you are going to find that people you date even once or twice will literally go on a mission to corral you into the barn, pardner. Preferably now, that is, if not as soon as possible.
As high-quality a problem as this sounds, it can get downright irritating if your own personal plan is to get to know as many MOTOS as you are comfortable with on the way to discovering (over a reasonable amount of time, please) who the right person for you is.
Or, sheesh…maybe you’d like to JUST DATE LOTS OF PEOPLE for now. Period.
I’ve known women who live a pattern of seeing guys for two or three dates only to have them show up with engagement rings. We’re talking situations here where they’ve known each other all of a week or two.
Crazy.
But if you are a man who exhibits the “Big Four” (masculinity, confidence, ability to inspire confidence, character) you may similarly find that women who meet you almost instantly decide they want to keep you.
If there’s no chance you are going to capitulate to the whirlwind courtship process here (and you shouldn’t), I have a very specific way to handle the matter for you.
First, reiterate to the person you’re seeing what you should have carefully explained from the very outset of the dating process: that you are not interested in rushing into anything. If you have been honest from minute one, then this is a perfectly reasonable discussion to have.
But don’t plan on that little talk solving anything, really. It’s usually at best simply a social courtesy or sorts, because if you are in such a situation, the other person’s feelings are beyond your control. You can’t make someone feel (or not feel) anything, really.
Somewhere I read about the concept of doing the exact opposite of all the “attraction triggers” so as to get someone to lose attraction on their own and walk away. The concept of suddenly getting clingy, needy, pushy and/or flaky all in the name of getting someone else to opt-out first is hilarious, but largely impractical I’d say.
Look, the only ethical way to handle this is to call it off yourself. As much pain that is likely to cause now, you simply can’t let this fester into a situation where you’ve allowed yourself to settle for someone simply so you don’t “hurt their feelings”.
It’s like the old Fram Oil Filter commercials from the 70s and 80s: “You can pay me now, or you can pay me later.”
Dude…pay now.
But wait, what if the opposite happens? What if you find yourself in a position of falling quickly for someone who you know is not interested in a committed relationship or who you know is all wrong for you anyway?
Yeppers, you guessed it: the same solution applies. Forget the horrendous adage that “you can’t help who you fall in love with”.
The hell you can’t.
Again, it’s all about saving yourself a world of heartache later. Get out now before the emotions grow deeper and the ties become indelible. This involves discipline now, but you’ll thank yourself in the long run.
Hopefully I don’t have to talk about what should happen when you actually fall for someone who is falling for you back.
But wait…I do.
That’s because I get weird e-mails from guys who have read some PUA book telling them they shouldn’t let themselves fall in love with anyone.
Bury that thinking. What, you’re finally happy and have found something real for once in your life and you’re telling me that’s why you should break up with her?
Where’s that 2×4 when I need it. Some guys could use some “tough love” upside the head, huh?
Gentlemen. Ladies. Don’t fear success. Please.
Like we talked about in the most recent newsletter, it’s amazing how people will break up with someone not only because of advice that “players” don’t have girlfriends, but because their own lack of self-esteem tells them they aren’t worthy of having a quality person in their lives. So the breakup is a “preemptive strike” of sorts.
Now granted, as we begin to deserve what we want more and more we raise the proverbial bar. This can seem “too good to be true” at first. But don’t throw in the towel simply due to fear. You’ve worked hard to deserve a great person in your life (or several), now live with it.
Obviously incongruence between partners when it comes to strong feelings early on is a massive issue, which is why I’ve covered it so thoroughly.
But there are other reasons why people break up after a short time.
An unfortunate truth is that some people are all about sexual conquest. Although this is a myopic way of viewing the world (and decidedly not a gender-specific one, by the way) it’s how a lot of people operate.
I’m on record as saying I believe that how soon sex takes place in a relationship is not an absolutely reliable indicator of how long the relationship will last. I’ve known people who slept together on the first date and are still happy years later. I’ve also known couples who waited until marriage to have sex—only to disappoint each other and split up soon afterwards, unfortunately.
But know this: If you are out there breaking up with people after the “deal” is “closed” you are not setting yourself up for success should you ever decide to actually HAVE a long-term relationship someday. If it’s all about the sex, you will get bored with everyone you sleep with. It’s a fact. The novelty will wear off if that’s all there is to it.
If you are cycling through sexual relationships at a fast pace, you’ve got to ask yourself whether you are truly availing yourself to the fullness that MOTOS can bring to your life.
And by the way, if you’re dumped shortly after having sex with someone, please don’t sit around wondering how to get the person back and/or how to convince him/her to have real feelings for you. Live and learn.
Another common scenario is simple loss of attraction. Someone can be ultra-charming on “Day 1”, but turn out to be a completely different person under the surface on “Day 2” (or shortly thereafter).
Authenticity is a must if you want your relationships to last. If you are running a persona that you cannot sustain long-term, don’t plan on sustaining long-term relationships either.
This goes double if you are into online dating. If you are misrepresenting yourself online, plan on very short relationships. We’re talking a matter of seconds here, in the most unfortunate cases.
And what to do if you are on the receiving end of someone who turns out not to be who he or she seemed to be?
Well, in the case of first meetings with people you meet online, you have the right to end it right upon meeting someone. You have just cause. But my style was typically to treat the meeting as “practice” and hopefully see if there was any networking to be done. Burning bridges unnecessarily is a bad habit to get into, and can come back and burn you.
Think I’m kidding? Check this out. One chick off of Match.com that I met for lunch turned out to be a real disappointment. She also turned out to be the primary contact at one of my company’s largest customers…and she had done her homework and knew that going in. I was gracious, and there was no harm done.
Whether you lose attraction or never felt any to begin with, my policy has always been to go with the flow and go the extra mile not to deal a devastating blow to someone’s feelings (even if they deserve it, in all honesty).
First meetings with people you meet online should be informal and with deadlines built in by design. Lunch hours or morning coffee before work are perfect, if generic. When you aren’t feeling it, simply say, “OK, I do wish you well on your search. Have a great day.” If he or she doesn’t get that message, send them to me for a Ten-Plus program because we’ve got LOTS of work to do.
And if you had attraction but lost it, you’re basically dealing with a variation on the theme of breaking up when “nothing particularly heinous” has happened. Firmly, but with genuine compassion, explain that you don’t think you and he or she are a match.
Please don’t give him or her the “Just Be Friends” talk unless you mean it though, deal?
Next time we’ll wrap up with how to deal with break ups if you’ve been dating someone for a long time. Plan on some practical ideas you’ve never considered, and maybe even a surprise or two.
And don’t forget to tell me everything I forgot to mention in your comments, along with any personal stories you’d like to share.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
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